Subtle Bravery
I did something really brave. I watched Steel Magnolias. It took me two days to watch the whole thing. But I finally did it. Why is that brave? I'll tell you.

I haven't watched Steel Magnolias in about 3 1/2 years. It's part of my movie collection, so typically I would watch it more often than once every 3 1/2 years. It has sentimental value. I'm a Louisiana girl, no longer living in Louisiana. So it's comforting to see small town Louisiana. Reminds me of family times. Cures my homesickness. Steel Magnolias is a great picture of small town southern life. Yes, people really do talk, dress, and act like that.

No one ever believes me when I tell them this, but I actually have a connection to the story of Steel Magnolias. It's loosely based on the story of my childhood doctor and his wife, who died at a young age. I know, he's a lawyer in the movie. But in real life, he was a doctor. Her brother wrote the story and the screenplay, and it became a play, then a movie. So it's a family favorite. I tell tall tales at times, but this one is true. I'll leave out the part about me giving up the starring role to Julia Roberts. . . . because I was only 13 at the time.

Anyway, none of that really has anything to do with why it's brave for me to watch the movie now. Steel Magnolias was in my VCR the night I found out my sister was killed in a car accident. It's funny how you remember little details about certain things when something really traumatic happens. I remember almost everything about that day, and the days following. I even remember what I was wearing when my mom came to my door that night. I otherwise have a terrible memory. I can't remember what I wore yesterday. But, I can remember almost every detail about that day.

Since that day, it's been hard to do some things I did that day. Like, I haven't worn those clothes since then. I don't think I've made a grilled cheese sandwhich since that day. I stopped at Whole Foods on my way home that day. I haven't been there since. And, even though I wasn't watching Steel Magnolias that day, it was in my VCR from watching it a day or so before. I'd stopped it about halfway through the movie, when it starts getting really sad. I don't think I had a reason to stop it there. I've seen it a million times. But, it eventually came out of my VCR and was hidden away among my other videos. I don't remember exactly when I took the tape out of my VCR after things calmed down around that time, but I remember noting the significance of what I'd watched just days before I lost my sister. And I remember wanting to stay far away from Steel Magnolias. It was still stopped in the same place when I put it back in the VCR last week. It's such a family movie for us. Just remembering that it was in the VCR that day, and the story of the movie, and how much sad movies affect me now- all of that has kept me from watching it when I'd glance at my movies from time to time, looking for something to watch.

I don't think I really believe that doing the things I did that day will lead to anyone else's death. I'm not at all superstitious. I think it's more the reminder of what happened afterward that keeps me from doing those things. You know, like when you get sick and up comes something you ate for dinner. You tend to stay away from eating whatever that was, whether it was the cause of what made you sick or not. The thought or smell of it is enough to turn your stomach. They aren't pleasant memories. Hard to think about that stuff even now.

Lately I've been noticing some small personal victories in my long journey of grief. Things that may seem silly and insignificant to anyone other than me, but things that are extremelly encouraging to me at this time in my life. So I decided to try watching the movie. I generally steer clear of all sad movies now, but I decided to be brave and go for the saddest one of all.

I got about an hour into it and I took a break for a day or so. I wasn't upset, but just wanting to take it slow. I couldn't help but feel I was starting the chain of events that previously lead to something really horrible, even though I know that's not true. Yesterday I finished watching it. It brought up a lot of emotions. Victory, that I made it through the movie. And also lots of sad emotions as I watched the movie. That scene after the funeral when Sally Fields totally freaks out, she puts into words so much of what I feel sometimes about losing my sister. Just a feeling of total helplessness, wondering why I'm the one who got to stay here, being so angry with nowhere to direct any of the anger. It's also like watching my mom on screen, because I know she's felt a lot of what Sally Fields' character goes through. I can't know what it's like to be my mom losing a daughter, but I sure know it's hard to watch her go through it. Sometimes seeing other people go through what I'm feeling, or saying what I'm thinking, even if it's just a character on screen, helps me remember that I'm not the only one who has felt these emotions before. Grief gets really lonely sometimes.

It's therapeutic to have a good cry about that stuff, even now. I'll probably always have to stop sometimes and just have a good cry about it. For me, it's all a part of working through the loss and being who I am now. The Tyrant never used to cry. Now, I cry fairly easily. What makes it progress is that now I can think about it, and cry about it, and then I'm done with it for awhile. And I'm okay. Not completely overwhelmed by it anymore. It's big progress that I could do that by myself this week, and enjoy seeing the movie again. Good memories, not overshadowed by the fear of watching the movie. Regaining one more little piece of freedom that I lost that day a few years ago.

I'm a sentimental Tyrant after all. But I don't think you'll catch me at Whole Foods any time soon. I'm not that brave, yet.

C.T.