Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Watch out, y'all


Ice Storm '09, y'all

I'm enjoying a leisurely Wednesday morning at home, still in my pjs, snuggled under my blankets, with my coffee, watching . . . ICE STORM '09 on T.V.

Work is delayed til noon. And I am snuggly.

For the past 30 minutes, ICE STORM '09 has consisted of the local news team pointing a camera at one particular ramp that is loaded with cars that are stuck and/or slipping and sliding into each other or into rails . . . and making comments about the whole mess.

I don't know how that is really helping get us through ICE STORM '09, and yet . . . I can't stop watching.

Glad I'm not out there.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

We have a new President. Now we need a new word.

Today was a big day for our country, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum. The inauguration of a new President is a big deal.

The inauguration of any President is a big deal. The inauguration of any President brings change. It's an exciting time.

All of the hub-bub of the day is certainly exciting. But mostly, the hub-bub got me thinking today. And here are my thoughts....

One thing I hope for the people of this country is that we are keeping our perspective on this change that has begun. We've used and heard the word "change" so much over the past few months of campaigns, election, and now on this day as our 44th President takes office, the word itself has almost taken on a life of its own. Or perhaps it's lost its real meaning.

Personally, I'm sick of hearing it. Not because I don't believe in it. Not because I am bitter towards the situation. I'm just concerned that the expectation and the excitement has ruined the word forever. And I'm concerned that "change" may translate into "undo" for those who are championing the word as though "change" is the answer to a world full of problems. It feels like the hope I'm hearing about today is synonamous with "change." And that's a little scary.

As a wise man once said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means." (Name the movie....)

Here's the thing, for me. Today, President Obama pledged to restore hope to this country. But, I had hope for this country before today, before Obama, during the last eight years of Bush, and I'll continue to have hope long after the Obama hype and the man himself has moved on. There are millions of Americans who have never stopped having hope for this country.

There's never been a reason to lose hope in this country. And if your hope started today, there's a bigger problem in this country than the problems that just left Office. Having hope is not a change.

I've been proud to be an American for 33 years. Well, at least for as long as I can remember. Today is not the day that makes me proud to be an American again. If you haven't been proud to be an American during the last eight years, that's a bigger problem that has nothing to do with the people who will come and go as our Commander in Chief.

Being proud of this country is not a change, and should not be a change that begins today.

President Obama also pledged to restore prosperity to our country. I don't know if you've looked around the world lately, but by any standard just about anywhere, the United States is an extremely prosperous country. I don't think this country's success in the area of prosperity is the issue, or even a concern. Prosperity is not what needs to be restored.

Yes, we are in an economic struggle. And we do have a lot of work to do to recover to a place of stability. But again, I ask that we keep things in perspective. This is not the poorest we've been or the worst situation we've been in. Prosperity (aka "greed") is actually the root of the problem that we have right now.

We certainly have challenges ahead. But, hear this: Obama cannot make the difference by himself. He may represent a new face on things. But by himself, he can't get a whole lot done.

I found this blog today and appreciated the message it gives and the perspective it brings, even though it's a little snarky even for my tastes. The hype of today, of Obama, is dangerous, and we need to chill. The worst thing we can do right now is set the man of the hour up for failure by placing all of our hopes in one basket, one man, one word . . . "change."

The party ends tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The 108 inaugural balls will end, the clock will strike midnight, the glass slipper gets left behind and our new President turns back into a working pumpkin tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, the world's eyes are on him. But not because he "is the change," or because he's popular among celebrities, or because he's hot, or because he's our first African-American President. None of that matters for the next four years. The celebrity "bubble" that's been the part-ay atmosphere since November is over. He will not be judged by his celebrity, by his abs, by how his wife dresses, or by the new Presidential puppy.

He will be judged by his successes, and his failures, as all other Presidents who have gone before him. And no matter how much hope you found today, there will be failures, my friends.

Tomorrow, the work begins. Tomorrow we begin to see what he's really made of, and what "change" really means.

Tomorrow he starts the massive task of proving himself, filling the shoes of Presidents before him, and leading this country into unity and to the next stage in our future. President Obama will not be compared only to now-former President George W. Bush. He'll be put up against all Presidents who have gone before him. And "change" should not be compared only to the past eight years.

This isn't a fad. This isn't Hollywood. This isn't a hip slogan about "change." This is the real deal now, folks. Let's get this thing into perspective.

I hope to be impressed by whatever change comes about, and I hope it takes the right amount of time to come into play so that it is effective, positive, and the best change it can be. No more, no less. I hope to be impressed by this man, our 44th President. I hope we celebrate him as much on his last day in office as we did today, on his first day. I don't see any reason why that can't happen.

But mostly, I hope we find a new word to use to shape and ultimately to remember this Presidency. This cannot be the Change Administration. No self-respecting leader wants to be known only for change. And I guarantee this: if change is the expectation, we will not be disappointed . . . except where the changes might not be in our best interest as a country, or the changes don't come soon enough for many of our expectations . . . or the changes don't mean what we thought they meant.

So, I encourage us to let that word go. I don't want to hear anymore about change, unless you are loaning me some change so I can get a Coke out of the machine.

But if we can't let it go, if we must keep that word as our mantra to get through the next four years, let's consider substituting another word. Like "pizza," or "bear hugs." Something that doesn't make me cringe or think of menopause (going through "the change") every time I hear it.

I appreciated much of Obama's speech today, particularly his reminder that the truths we desire and the truths we must adhere to today are the same truths that this country was founded upon. That never changes, no matter the person in place as our President.

That's a good reminder to us all, that maybe we aren't really in search of change in the way we have abused the word. But rather, maybe we just need a shift in focus to reposition our functionality back to our values that have always been there, from the beginning.

Bear hugs, y'all. Bear hugs.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Farewell, Old Matresses

Tonight will be my last night of sleep on the mattresses I have had since . . . well, at least junior high. Maybe earlier than that.

I will not get into all of the details of what all these mattresses have been through. But the more I think about them, the more I am pretty sure they are biohazard status and should probably be disposed of through incineration. Or weighed down with rocks and sunk to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.

They've been good mattresses. At one time, they were really good, nice, firm mattresses that served me well.

But one day, you wake up and you realize that every morning starts with aches and pains and cricks because your tossed and turned all night and never got out of that one sunken spot in the middle of the bed where you were curled into an uncomfortable ball all night.

It hurts.

No more, my friends. No more.

For . . . tomorrow morning, bright and early, shiny brand new mattresses will arrive at my house. And the old ones will be carted away.

And then, I may never get out of bed again. The fantastic new mattresses that are on their way will be so amazing, so comfy, so sleep-worthy that I might just live there forever.

I am, however, a little frightened by what may or may not be living under my bed. It's been in that one spot for a little over five years now. I never look under there. It could be bad.

But, one last time, to honor the mattresses that have gotten me through many, many nights of sleep, and that have always been a safe sanctuary for me to crawl in and hunker down when the world is cruel, or (as was the case when I used to be afraid of those dang flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz) a place of safety . . . a haiku. For you.

Old Mattresses, go
To mattress heaven, be gone
Good night sleep is here

Farewell, old friends . . . and hello new friends!


Sunday, January 11, 2009

Snark it as I see it: The Golden Globes

Back in the day, I used to provide my valuable insights here for many an awards show. The beauty of this now is that I have the wireless and the laptop and can literally blog live.

I'm going to attempt to publish as I go . . . more bullet points will pop up at the bottom as the night wears on . . . this could be awesome, or totally lame, and it's entirely possible I'll give up halfway through.

Otherwise, enjoy!

  • The red carpet was so-so. I do, however, want to punch Miley in the face for complaining on national television that she only got her mom's hand-me-down Porche for her 16th birthday. I'm sorry, but in what actual reality is a hand-me-down Porche something to complain about?
  • Drew Barrymore's hair reminds me of Tippi Hedren in The Birds after she gets swarmed and attacked by thousands of birds a few times.
  • They say the Globes are the "fun" awards show, but so far that seems to mean "wheels off." I just saw someone carrying a chair across the room. JLo was screaming at people to shut up so she could present an award. The screen just went black. This is fun!
  • No more awards for Kate Winslet. I like her and I like that she won, but I can't handle anymore of her thank-you speeches. I think she thanked me.
  • It appears that if you are a woman and you win an award, the rule is that every man within arm's reach gets to kiss you on your way up to the stage. Depending on who you are sitting near, this could be bad . . .
  • It's so nice that they pulled in a drunk, homeless man off the street to tell everyone (and Steven) to have a good time.
  • Did Hayden just steal Zac Efron's line because she thought he wasn't paying attention? Rude.
  • Last time I checked, Anna Paquin was 11 years old. What?
  • I love how the stars just wander around willy nilly, and Ricky Gervais wanders on stage with a drink in hand. I'm not entirely sure why he was there, but he should do that a few more times tonight.
  • Why must the Jonas Brothers show up and ruin EVERYTHING!!?!?!? Is there no sacred place left on earth where we aren't forced to Jo Bro???? That's it. One day when I am requested to attend an awards show, my one stipulation is that the Jonas Brothers are not anywhere within a 100 miles of the show.
  • Why have I never heard of Happy Go Lucky until right now? I mean, seriously. No more awards to people who are from fake, made-up movies or who have to thank everyone in the world and who are in love with Emma Thompson.
  • Correction: Johnny Depp should come on stage and look adorably uncomfortable a few more times during the show. Loverly. I would watch that all night.
  • Seriously, the next award that someone sets on the stage? It's MINE. If you can't hold it for a minute and talk at the same time, I will hold it for you . . . forever.
  • Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange apparently have an inside joke on stage, y'all. Oh wait, no it's just that P-Diddy is a really bad actor . . . in the sun.
  • I will always love Tom Hanks. He can do no wrong. Even though I have no idea what he just won.
  • They got this one right. No snark here.

  • Colin Farrell just snotted on the microphone and made an inappropriate joke. These awards are nothing, if not classy.
  • Maggie Gyllenhal's dress, is, um, uh . . . not good. I think I also saw Glenn Close wearing her curtains, or perhaps a table cloth of some sort. You would think it wouldn't be so hard for famous people to not look stupid.
  • Seriously? In Bruges is nominated as a Best Picture? What? It's cuz of that dwarf.
  • Those Slumdog Millionare people are super cute. Good for them!
  • Anyone who watched the new Scrubs last week and saw the very end will appreciate with me that Tony Shaloub did NOT win this year. Win one for Zach Braff, y'all.
  • By my calculations, Rumer Willis wants to crawl under a table and do some cocaine with Mickey Rourke right about now, between the mommy "don't slouch" comment from Demi and the juice box thing from Alec Baldwin.
  • I'm wearing Old Nay sweatpants and a Coke Is It t-shirt from a thrift store, by the way. I've accessorized with a bag full of Jelly Belly's. Not red carpet attire, but I'm totally comfy.
  • I'm sorry, I was wrong. Renee Zellweger's hair reminds me of Tippi Hedrin from The Birds . . . and her dress just makes me sad. It's like butterfly netting attached to a cape, but not in a good way.
  • Yes. Glenn Close is, in fact, wearing what I think was originally on her table when she first came in for the evening of awards festivities. And strangely, it kinda works for her in a room-decor-as-clothes sort of way.
  • I don't think Tracy Morgan ever really knows where he is. He probably gave the same thank-you speech to himself this morning while he talked into a shampoo bottle in the shower.
  • I've said it before, and I'll say it again. James Bond should never, EVER sing. That means you, Pierce.
  • I'm a little surprised that Beyonce wasn't nominated for the Best Soundtrack to every viral video spoof in 2008. She totally would have won.
  • Um, that guy just thanked the billion people of India. GENIUS.
  • David Duchovny so far wins the Most Awkward Jokes About My Family To Cover Up That We Are Not So Happy Award.
  • Tina Fey should always win things. Sorry, Mom. I find her to be hilarious with my kind of fantastic, sharp, sarcastic wit, and she's almost as good-looking as I am. Hollywood Foreign Press Action Figures . . . PURE GENIUS!!! I mean, Tina and I are the same kind of funny and I . . . . I'm sorry, I just got distracted again by Drew Barrymore's tumbleweedish hair . . . no idea where I was going with this . . .
  • Cecile B. Demille Award = bathroom break and popcorn fetching
  • Steven Spielberg's hair looks fine. And he apparently invented movies or something. And he just put his award down on the podium, which makes it MINE. I'm not kidding about that rule, y'all.
  • I love Emma Thompson. She never seems to quite know what's going on. And I love when Dustin Hoffman is Rainman during awards shows. He's so silly! But is he, like, 3 feet tall? He could give that In Bruges dwarf a run for his money.
  • Oh . . . it's really bad when you are introduced as the star of the "upcoming Lifetime movie . . . " Sigourney Weaver . . . where is the glory of Alien and Gorillas in the Mist when you need it?!?!?
  • I'm still not understanding why In Bruges is winning awards, or nominated, for that matter. Even Colin Farrell doesn't understand why he's up there getting an award. But he does wear two earrings, so he's got that going for him. Really, if anyone should win from this movie, it should be the dwarf. He wore a funny hat!
  • Sacha Baron Cohen . . . not so much funny tonight. Where's Borat?
  • Now, is Vicky Cristina Barcelona a Comedy? Or a musical. I'm confused. Mostly at why Comedy or Musical is all one category. What if it's a sad musical? Or a comedy with a tragic ending?
  • I just saw Tom Cruise trying to recruit Kate Winslet to Scientology. And now I'm watching a commercial for Quiznos "chefs." As if Scientology or Quiznos chefs are both things that exist as things that are real . . .
  • Oh, Slumdog Millionare guy with the bedazzled necktie tucked into your shirt? Um, no. I'm happy for you and your movie. But I'm not happy for that tie.
  • Cameron Diaz seems to be literally wrapped up in an Ace bandage as her dress. Genius, and affordable. And if she falls because it's wrapped too, tight, no worries. She's set and wrapped already for a full body sprain.
  • Angelina might murder someone if she doesn't win that Lead Actress award eventually. Shot down at the Critic's Choice, and now that girl from Titanic takes the Globe from her . . . and then forgets Angelina was even one of the nominees in her speech . . . . The good thing is that the Academy will not want to sit through Kate Winslet's speeches again. So, what's-her-name could get her shot at the Oscars.
  • Wheels off, Rainn and Blake.
  • I have no idea what the Mad Men guy is rambling on about. Bring back Kate Winslet's speech, please.
  • Mickey Rourke should have washed his hair to get an award tonight. I think he tripped up the stairs from all the hair grease. But, congrats anyway! Wait, did he just thank his dog? Nevermind. Please take his award back, pronto.
  • I don't think middle fingers are allowed on primetime T.V., and that means you, director of The Wrestler.
  • I wish Tom Cruise was wearing the eye patch to present the last award. I really do.
  • Accepting the award for Slumdog Millionare are the one billion people of India. This could take awhile . . . everyone please keep your seats.
Well, that's it from The Tyrant's Couch Blogging of the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards, and first ever live blogging event. There were some odd wins, and some even odder outfits. Thankfully, this makes my snarky blogging job easy.

Thank you, and good night. And don't vote for Kate Winslet for any Oscars until she learns how to ramble less.

Oh, I almost forgot . . . The Birds.


The price of fame...

Since my awesome music video has hit the interweb, my level of famousness has increased several-fold.

Paparazzi around every corner and hiding in every bush. At least, I don't THINK I'm imagining that.

Interviews, special appearances . . . you know, it just never stops.

I will write again.


Thursday, January 01, 2009

This article is wrong.

Because I'd say TWO women rule YouTube . . .

Beyonce & ME. - One Woman Rules Youtube

Move over, Beyonce.