Saturday, February 28, 2009

Why Blockbuster is helping Netflix

I have Netflix, and have had it for quite some time now. I love it, and I'm also IN love with it. Netflix can pretty much do no wrong, as far as I'm concerned.

Even if I HATED Netflix (which I don't), here is why Netflix. What follows is an event at Blockbuster this evening with a friend who does not have Netflix:

Us: I just turned in "insert sappy tearjerker movie here."
Blockbuster Drone: Yeah. The fee on that is $157.42.
Us: Ok, sure it was a couple of weeks late. But I thought Blockbuster had no late fees.
BD: Uh, yeah. We reinstated late fees a month or so ago.
Us: Ok, but I had no idea. And I just turned it in. So, do I really have to pay $157.42? I just want to rent these two movies now. And I just turned the other one in.
BD: Uh... yeah. It's late, so you owe $157.42.
Us: Ok, but I didn't know.
BD: Ok, but this is the late fee.
Us: So, if we pay $157.42 do we now OWN the movie? If so, go get it out of that bin WHERE WE JUST TURNED IT IN.
BD: Let me get a manager.
Us: ..................
BD Manager: Ok, we can take off that fee and add a warning to your record because now you know about the late fees.
Us: Awesome.
BD: Ok, it's $3.25 for those two movies. How many days do you want to keep them?
Us: What?
BD: How long do you want to keep the movies?
Us: Three days.
BD: Ok, you can choose one day, or five days.
Us: Ok, well then... one day.
BD: Great. Ok, if you don't return these tomorrow then there is a $450.94739 late fee per day that the movies are not returned.
Us: Fantastic.

Blockbuster.... making it DIFFICULT to rent movies by reinstating late fees at exorbitant prices starting less days than you request because they can't let you have the movie for as long as you want.

Netflix.... no late fees. Ever. Keep the movies as long as you want.

R.I.P. Blockbuster.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Better Stimulus Plan: The Tyrant Plan

I'm just gonna say it. I'm not real excited about this "stimulus" plan.

I mean, it just all seems thrown together, half-assed and ill-thought-out, with a bunch of stuff in it that has nothing to do with stimulating the economy or helping the millions of people who have lost practical jobs.

I'm sure spending billions of dollars on Global Warming will provide new jobs for some scientists or something. But for the people I know who have lost jobs and who need jobs, Global Warming ain't gonna help them now or any time soon.

Now, those senators and the President and whatnot did not ask for my help. But, I've put some thought into it. I believe I've come up with a better (and FAR less ridiculous) plan. It's actually really simple.

(I think maybe all the senators and congressmen didn't read that whole stimulus bill before voting because it was just really, really, really ridiculously too long and confusing.)

1. Deport all the illegal immigrants.
Just the illegal ones. This will free up, like, a BILLION jobs by next week, or maybe the week after.

2. Make gas free for all travel within the U.S.
Seriously, this is genius. The gas company executives made enough money in 2008 to live for like, 37 years. So they'll be okay if gas is free for a year or so. Airfare will go down and people will fly to places and spend money. People will drive places and spend money. People will be able to afford gas to get to work and earn money (at the new jobs freed up by getting rid of the immigrants). There is no flaw with this plan.

3. Stop giving money to banks and car companies and other irresponsible companies.
I mean, seriously. New banks pop up on every corner every five minutes like 7-elevens or something, except you can't even get a Slurpee at any of these superfluous banks. Stop giving banks more money unless they will give away free Slurpees every time they DON'T do something stupid with our money.

And the car companies? I mean, if they were serious about selling cars and not flying around in private jets right now, all cars should be at least half-off as a show of good faith. I don't want to buy a Hummer and get a Ford Focus thrown in for free. I want to buy two cars that I WANT for the price of ONE car. And then I will drive them around the country using free gas (see #3).

Other greedy companies? Same rules apply.

4. Give tax credits, refunds, whatever to ME.
You want people to start spending money again? The people who need the "stimulating" are people like ME. We make enough money at our regular jobs to be comfortable and are not in debt (unlike our governmental role models), yet we don't qualify for many (if any) of the rebates, refunds, or tax cuts in your new-fangled "stimulus" plan.

PLUS, we are scared out of our minds about what you people are doing with my hard-earned taxes these days that we'd rather hole up, watch our Netflix, and not spend any of our money out there where the country needs it. Who knows, we could be next to fall victim to governmental input on "fixing" the economy. You want this large chunk of America to start spending money again? Give us a reason to part with our pennies.

These are four simple things that I think can be MUCH more effective, and again, LESS ridiculous than the current plan.

But . . . no one wanted my help. So, I'll just sit here at home, watching my Netflix, holding on to my pennies for the next rainy day . . . in case this whole stimulus thingy doesn't work out so well.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Tyrant, you've just (a week ago) watched the Super Bowl.

What are you going to do now???


Seriously. I am.

Is it legal to be cynical in the Happiest Place On Earth? We're going to find out, y'all.