Saturday, May 31, 2008

Tyrant and the Giant Fig

Not unlike James and the Giant Peach.

Although I don't intend to live in the fig. I intend to eat it when the time comes for fig pickin' and preservin'.

Seriously, it's the largest fig ever. And it's only just getting started.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I hope David Cook doesn't win

Here are my two cents about who will win American Idol. I made this call weeks ago (in my head), and I didn't really need to watch tonight to have it all figured out.

However, if end up being wrong, you never heard it from me.

David Cook will not win.
David Archuletta will win.

Here is why. And keep in mind, I might be a little bit in love with David Cook.

David Cook does not need Idol. He'll be just fine on his own. In fact, he would likely do better on his own, without Idol influencing his first CD post-show.

I'd even go so far as to say that he already knows this and he possibly intentionally did not bring his A-game tonight to give Archuletta the top spot. Don't get me wrong, he played a good show tonight. But, we've seen him rock my socks off before and tonight wasn't it.

Archuletta, however, while cherubically cute and definitely able to sing, he'll need all the help Idol can give him.

Therefore, I hope David Cook doesn't win. Because by him NOT winning, both David's have a better shot at being successful.

You heard it here first. Or never at all.


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Dear Natasha Bedingfield,

Do you really have a pocket full of sunshine?

Is that even possible?

Wouldn't that make it daylight wherever you are, all the time?

These are my questions.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Uncle Sam wants ME

. . . for jury duty.

It finally happened. Today, I received a jury summons.

It is clear that all of my years of watching crime dramas on T.V. has finally come to the attention of someone who is fairly influencial in courts around here, and who obviously values my expertise on a jury in what I'm sure will be a high-profile case.

Perhaps I will be the juror who finally figures out what to do with Britney's kids. Or maybe, I'll be the deciding vote to make world peace mandatory, and world hunger outlawed.

I could save the world as Juror # Whatever.

Save the Juror, save the world . . .

It's my first summons, except for when I was in school and could get out of it because I was a student. It's all very exciting. Things have been going pretty well for me lately. I can only assume this is the next big thing I am to conquer. My next stage, if you will, to take a bite out of crime.

Consider it already bitten.

I'm not even thinking that I won't get picked. I'm just wondering how quickly after I get there will they beg me to stay.

I will out-jure all of the other jurors.

I will be inducted into the Juror Hall of Fame.

I will be the world's most sought-after juror. Courts and lawyers and judges and even the President will want me to be a juror for the world's most significant cases. I will be the first ever Professional Juror, by appointment only.

Juries won't summon me. I will summon juries.

The Supreme Court? I will one day be the only juror they have ever had, or will ever need.

I will pretty much invent being juror. I will jure in ways that you've never seen before. I will set records for the world's fastest juring.

Eventually I won't even need to sit in on the trial. Just send me a text message with some fast facts and a photo of the criminal in question, and I'll have an answer for you in 30 minutes or less.

They will clone me for juries of the future.

I have only a few weeks to prepare for my summons. There is a lot of Law & Order to be watched and John Grisham books to be read.

I can handle the truth.


Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Jared,

We don't care anymore.

We get it. It's been 10 years. You've still got those huge pants that don't fit you anymore. You ate a lot of Subway sandwiches, you lost weight.

I, however, have lost my mind having to see you on my T.V. for the past 10 years.

Please tell me you have found something else to do in the past 10 years. I hate to think you lost all that weight only to sell your soul to Subway for all of eternity.

Because frankly, I can't handle an eternity of seeing you and your huge pants on TV to sell sandwiches.

We're over it.

Dear Subway,
Jared. 10 years. Big Pants. Sandwiches.

I stopped eating Subway sandwiches (coincidentally) 10 years ago.

We're over it.

Please find another spokesmodel.


Sunday, May 11, 2008

It's critter season again

Another spring season is upon us, and for me and my house, that means the critters are out and about.

I planted my spring flowers about a month or so ago, maybe longer. For the most part, the critters have stayed out of the plantings . . . with the exception of the two pots on my patio where I planted rose moss/moss rose (I never know if it's rose moss or moss rose).

I'm pretty sure it's a squirrel that keeps insisting on throwing the poor moss/roses completely out of the pot and onto the ground. Almost everyday, I come home and see the poor thing lying on the ground next to the pot. And everyday, I put it back in.

It's really not a fun game for me, but I have a feeling that the squirrel LOVES tormenting me in this way. I finally bought some Critter-B-Gone powder to sprinkle in the pot. We'll see how that works.

If it works, I might by more in bulk and see if it works on a few annoying people I know that I'd like to get rid of . . . you know who you are.

Anyway, it seems like every new critter season introduces a new critter into my backyard ecosystem/wildlife sanctuary. Last year it was rabbits.

Frankly, I don't know why animals keep coming here. It rarely works out well for them. I don't do it intentionally, but if you've read much of this blog you should know the sad tales of the accidental animal accidents that have plagued this house since Day 1 of my living here.

So far this season, no animal mishaps. Maybe my yard has turned over a new leaf.

This morning while I was making my coffee, I looked out of my kitchen window to gaze upon my fabulous backyard. I tell ya, there is nothing quite like a fabulous green, blooming yard in the morning to start your day off right.

As I looked out, something caught my eye near my shed. Some sort of critter was creeping along the fence, and I just caught the tail end of it going behind my shed.

It wasn't a squirrel, nor a rabbit, nor one of the neighborhood cats. Frankly, I am not quite sure what it was. But I have some thoughts. These thoughts don't make me happy.

From the color of it, and the size of it's back leg (I never saw the front of it), and most importantly, the bushy-ness of its tail, I'm pretty sure it was a coyote.

I don't know if coyotes can jump over a tall wood fence, but if they can, I'm pretty sure there was a coyote in my yard this morning.

Naturally, I had to go out and see if I could see the whole thing. I'm pretty much one of those idiot girls in a slasher movie that goes to check out the mysterious noise in her high heels, only to have to run downstairs in the heels while the man with a chainsaw chases her down the stairs.

I heard in my head that voice that screams at the movie screen when the idiot girl opens the door, "Don't go out there! Whatever it is will eat you! All you have in your hand is a hot cup of coffee if it attacks you!"

So, I creeped outside towards the shed, yet not actually going anywhere near it. I walked around it without going behind it where the fence is, hoping to catch a glimpse of the critter. But I never saw it. It was either hiding in the crap behind the shed, or it jumped over the fence into the alley . . . or it was under the shed waiting for me to get close enough to jump on my face and bite my nose off.

I went back inside.

So, I'm not really sure what I saw. But it was definitely not one of the usual critters.

I have noticed that there are fewer rabbits this year. I've only seen the one big one a couple of times.

Coyotes eat rabbits.

After some extensive Googling for "bushy tailed animals that could live in my yard in Texas, possibly behind my shed," I came up with two other options:

A raccoon.

A red panda - native to Nepal, but it's entirely possible that it recently migrated to my backyard in Texas.

Obviously I will be looking for it every day until I figure out what it is.

The bushy tail rules out a sasquatch or a bear. So that's good.


Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Don't worry. I have everything under control.

I'm in the beginning days of 10 days of being in charge of the dogs while my parents are on vacation.

Don't worry. Everything is under control with the sneaky little rugrats.

I spent the first night with them at my folks's house. All was well.

Yesterday, I went to check on them after work and I discovered that they have figured out how to jump on top of their bed that is in their doggie nook in the house. This is a critical discovery for them because it puts them literally just a few inches away from being able to jump over their gate . . . which afford them the freedom to run willy nilly about the house all the live long day, unsupervised.

Very, very dangerous.

See, this is the first time they've been mostly on their own during the day. It's definitely the first time they've had no supervision at night. And they are not used to having their bed in their nook with them. They usually sleep in the room with me when I'm in charge. Having their bed in the nook allows them to have all the comforts of home, plus the freedom to go in and out of their doggie door all the livelong day.

Tonight, I arrived at the house to find them still in their caged area. But, as soon as I walked in the door they got excited and jumped up on their bed.

Then two seconds later, they pretty much stumbled out into the kitchen. First Daisy, who chased me down the hall. Then Duke, who is never one to be left alone for very long, although he's usually too scared to try anything first.

They both tackled me in the bathroom and they were quite pleased with themselves at having found the way into the house.

Of course, I think they are surprised by the whole thing. They were so excited that I was there, they just stumbled onto the bed and into the house trying to follow me.

BUT, this is bad. I still have quite a few days where I need them to be secluded in their caged fortress. However, now that they have essentially tunneled out, I have no idea what I will find when I get over there tomorrow.

With my luck, and with all the rain we've had so far this week, I figure my days are numbered before I find that they have run rampant all day through the house, painting muddy-pawed artwork all over the floor, walls, furniture . . .

I will have to come up with a clever plan to outsmart them and keep them confined. But I fear they are too crafty for the likes of me.

Parents, if you are reading, don't worry.

Everything is under control.


Monday, May 05, 2008

I really like free stuff

I got a free Tetanus shot at work last week.

Of course, they gave us the shots because they thought we were possibly exposed to Whooping Cough. So they brought in free Tetanus/Anti-Whooping Cough shots.

Whatever. I really like free stuff. And they gave me an American flag band-aid that I proudly wore the rest of the day.

The band-aid was free, too.

So, this weekend I figured, "Hey, I've had my tetanus shot, which makes me impervious to being impaled by sharp metal. Why not clean out my gutters on the house?"

So, I cleaned out my gutters.

And let me say this: I don't care how many Tetanus shots you get, cleaning out the gutters is still quite possibly the most disgusting job ever, in the whole entire world. Period.

Tetanus does NOT make you impervious to the disgusting-ness that lives in your gutters.

Even if it's free.