Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Welcome Again, Race Fans.
And by race, of course I mean the new season of The Amazing Race.

I know you thought I given up my pursuit and commentary on the sport of reality television. But I assure you, even though I have less time to write about it, I still watch as much of it as I can. It is my reality.

Tonight's season premier of TAR6 did not disappoint. I learned some very important things from this first episode:

1. Apparently one team of Colin and Christie was not enough last season. We now have no less than 8 teams of Colins and Christies this season, all of which yell at each other, belittle each other, and throw hissy fits every time something doesn't go their way. While there are many to choose from, the couple that has taken an early lead as the Most Like Colin/Christie Replacements (and dare I say, even more Colin and Christie-esque than Colin and Christie themselves) are Jonathan and Victoria. Seriously, I would not be surprised if their team is actually sponsored by Colin and Christie. It's impressive that I hate Jonathan already, and I just want to slap Victoria for marrying him.

2. As begun in the previous season of TAR, this season it is not only recommended, but it is required to use 'Baby' to refer to your partner at all times. Such as, "Baby, hury! Hurry, Baby!", and the shortened form of, "BABY!" which simply means, "Come on! Go faster! You're an idiot! But I love you! You're pretty!" I'm fairly sure the only reason the team members even have names other than Baby is so that Phil can tell which Baby's are which when they hit the Pit Stop Mat. Next week I would love to hear him say, "Babies, you are Team Number Two." Every time someone makes it to the pit stop. That would be sweet.

3. I fear TAR has enacted an Affirmative Action process of some sort, in that a certain large percentage of teams must be models. People not of model stature are in the minority. Therefore, the Tyrant predicts that a team of models will win this race, simply because the non-model teams are few in number. Our only hope is that the models are as stupid as they are pretty. And that the models are more stupid than the Wrestlers, and the team that can't read 'diesel' on the gas tank.

4. If you are one of the model teams, you must begin all of your sentences during the interview sessions with, "As models, ...." This is very important. Otherwise the whole world may not know you are models, and this will somehow affect how you function in society. In fact, I may begin speaking that way, so as to let everyone know that I may be a model. Or perhaps, a writer. "As a writer, I ...." It's impressive, right? Much like, "As models, we travel extensively ..." And... what. Therefore you know what planes look like?? That's a definite advantage.

Also, I would love to see the following Throw Downs throughout the course of the Race:
- Adam (Tiny Hellboy) vs. Bolo (My Neck is Cutting Off the Blood to my Brain)
- Bolo vs. Jonathan (Please Match My Pace or Be Ahead of Me At All Times)
- Kris (Oops, I'm Not Britney Spears) vs. Rebecca (Diesel? What? You mean, Vin? Oh... right.)
- Lori (I'm Really the Man) vs. Her Own Mouth

Aaah, I can hardly wait for next week. The start of TAR6 promises much entertainment for me.

These are good times.

And, lest you think I'd also forgotten my other favorite reality show, as an America's Next Top Model watcher, I am thoroughly involved in yet another great season of model mayhem. Tyra has done it again, and Janice never fails to disappoint with a random comment that makes no sense whatsoever. Truly, she is the star of the show. And will be for years to come, as long as the warranty doesn't expire on any of her body parts.

Long Live Models on Reality TV!


Friday, November 12, 2004

I might need that later
I have a lot of stuff in my kitchen. Not tons of stuff. But my kitchen is pretty well stocked.

Here is why that is weird:
1. I don't really cook.
I mean, I do cook. I eat at home most of the time. But I only cook about six different things, on a random rotation. And much of it involves 'heating up' and 'from a can or box'. Technically, some of it is really cooking. I make a few things from my mom's or my grandmother's recipes. But technically, most of it is really not so much cooking.

2. I didn't buy most of the stuff in my kitchen.
My mom did. I'm pretty sure I purchased the paper plates, and some forks. From time to time she feels like I need things to have a complete kitchen, or a 'respectable' kitchen. Because someday I may need to cook something for someone for some reason, and then host twelve people to witness the event. So, she will buy me things. Like the waffle iron. Or the Fry Daddy. Or a set of bowls. I have full sets of plates, and some serving dishes, and cooking utensils, and mugs, and more cups and glasses than I could ever use in a month if I were to use a different glass everyday for a month. It all looks great in my cabinets. And I'm glad to have it. I love all of it. But most of it rarely gets used.

3. Somehow in all of the stuff I have, I don't have a complete set of flatware.
This is the really odd thing. I can serve twelve people on plates and bowls and matching glasses. But the forks they use will be an odd assortment of different sets. I have a partial set of flatware that my parents gave me when I went to college. It was our family set, and I inherited it because it was missing several pieces, and my parents wanted a good reason for a new set. It has served me well. I also have a cheap set that I got at some point in college, I guess when I decided I needed more than three forks. And, earlier this year I discovered I still do not have enough forks, but I also did not want to purchase an entire set of flatware. So, I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to their Clearance section, and picked out five forks from the 'random flatware bin'. They are five different forks. And I love them. It's eclectic.

But, as I do things in my kitchen, despite all of the stuff that is in there, I run into the same issue time and again. I have things to use. But, I am reluctant to use them for whatever I am doing.... in case I might really need it later.

For example, just now I was making some tea. I have a jar of spice tea that I made last winter (again, not cooking - just mixing). The tea is still good, but it is now one chunk of tea, rather than something I can spoon out with a mere spoon. I decided I needed to hack it up so that I could then spoon it out. So, I went to my Drawer of Many Utensils and saw that I have a wide variety of utensils which could serve as a hacking/poking device.

And yet, I tried to talk myself out of using any of them. For fear that I may need it for something later, before I've had a chance to wash it. Then what would I do???

I might need it.

What if I'm making something tomorrow that requires the use of this long, two-pronged utensil that is in my drawer but I've never seen before? What will I do???

Usually, I'll close the drawer and make-do with the spoon. Or, go without tea. I need to leave the Utensil of Ambiguous Use for whatever requires it's use, someday.

But today, I decided that I have these utensils for a reason. And I should use them.... to get my tea. NOW!

If I need it later, I will use something else then..... that I might need later.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I would buy you a monkey.
Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

I'm going to Costa Rica for Thanksgiving. Naturally, to celebrate Thanksgiving as my Costa Rican pilgrims and forefathers did many years ago.

There are monkeys in Costa Rica. I'm very excited about this.

Today I spent some time thinking about my need for a monkey. It had not occured to me in the past that I might need a monkey. But since they are abundant in Costa Rica, if one accidentally came home with me I could put it to good use.

It would be disease-free, of course. This is not the beginning of Outbreak: The Tyrant Infects Texas with a Monkey from Costa Rica.

The functions of the monkey are to be:
- A fetching monkey, to fetch things for me. Like paperclips.
- A typing monkey, to type my blog (or novel) as I dictate.
- A get-me-more-coffee monkey, to get me more coffee.
- A wash-my-car monkey, to wash the Jeep.
- A tell-me-I'm-pretty monkey, to tell me I'm pretty often. Especially when I first wake up in the morning.
- A bake-me-a-pie monkey, to bake me a pie whenever I want a pie. Sometimes, you just want pie.
- A pick-up-the-phone-and-order-me-a-pizza monkey. For when I need pizza.
- A laundry-folding monkey, to fold and put away my laundry. I can handle doing the laundry. But it never seems to really get put away before I wear it again.
- A lawn-mowing monkey. To mow and do general yardwork.
- A laugh-at-me-when-I'm-funny monkey. I just need to be laughed at sometimes.

So, quite obviously a monkey would be put to good use.

I can't believe I didn't recognize this need before. Good thing I'm going to Costa Rica soon.

I need a monkey.