More Tyrannical Thoughts on War
I have to admit I'm now having a very strong feeling about all the war hub-bub. My feeling is: annoyed.

I'm annoyed that with all the emotion and discusion and opinions and protesting and whatnot going into this big decision, we are only choosing between one of two options: war, or no war. Why are there only two options? Aren't we supposed to be a country of limitless possibilities?

I truly feel the bigger problem creating the current situation is very simple: a lack of creativity. Clearly, there has been a lack of effort to brainstorm more solutions to the situation at hand. Since we are now in a time crunch with the impending deadline looming on the very near horizon, I will throw out a few ideas I've had:

1. Send in the Girl Scouts
Really, why do we have them? What are they good for? I say we give them a purpose. They already have uniforms, and we are well aware of how sneaky and brutish they can be. So I say we train a few of the more adept Girl Scouts in the art of disarming nuclear weapons, load them up with boxes of cookies, and drop them off in Saddam's neighborhood. Some of the Scouts can distract Iraq with the cookies while others sneak over to the weapons and disarm them. Before you know it, Iraq is harmless, but well fed and happy from the cookies of the Scouts. And the Scouts have met their fundraising goal for the year.

2. Reality Television
Seriously, what are these shows good for if they are not helping with the world peace issue? I say we recruit Saddam as a contestant on Survivor, lose him in the jungle with a bunch of whiney girls and non-macho men, and let him fight unarmed with nature for awhile. While he's involved with immunity challenges and fishing for piranhas, we'll sneak into Iraq, disarm his weapons, and loot his fortresses. He'll be MIA in the wilderness for thirty-nine days, and therefore unable to contact his peeps. And when he returns home he'll be thankful for real food, Girl Scout cookies, and he'll weigh much, much less than he does now. Truly, I think his weight may be a factor with his anger.

If he's not the Survivor type, we could lock him in the Big Brother house for a few months and this plan would work just as well.

3. Non-Reality Television
Send in Buffy, or Alias' Sydney Bristow. I've personally seen Buffy pummel a variety of vampires, demons, and other miscellaneous big bad evils. Saddam would be no problem for the Slayer. And Sydney, no contest. She's an expert in finding and defeating evil world leaders and terrorists, disarming weapons, and covert operations. She'd be in and out of Iraq before Saddam realizes he's out of Girl Scout cookies and his weapons are useless.

4. Move
Criminals of lesser intelligence manage to move about, avoiding detection by our well-trained law enforcement institutions. Why not do that on a larger scale? If Saddam can't find us, he can't harm us. So I say we pick up the entire country and relocate. We could hide in Australia, or a lesser known island chain off the coast of Africa. While Saddam is looking for us in the ocean of what used to be the United States of America, we sneak into Iraq to disarm the weapons and steal back our Girl Scout cookies. We'll be a National Witness Protection Program. Once Saddam has been subdued, we can float back to where we belong.

You see, we just aren't trying hard enough to explore all the options. And until we do, I am very, very annoyed.

C.T.