Night of a Thousand Bad Outfits
It's time for the Tyrant's Second Annual Grammy Review.

I love, love, love awards shows. Crazy in love. Almost as much as my love of reality TV. The Grammys certainly never disappoint when it comes to opportunities for snark. Last year, I gave a completely unbiased review of the event. This year, I'll do my best once again to give you the Grammys through the eyes of the Tyrant.

In year forty-six of the Grammys:

- The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince realizes that when no one can pronounce the symbol that is your name, people will stop trying and eventually not care about you anymore. Symbol names are annoying. But, apparently the best way to fix this problem is to reclaim your original name, have a guitar made in the shape of your Symbol, and re-appear at the Grammys to perform really bad covers of your own songs, with a frantically dancing Beyonce by your side. You should even go so far as to forget your own microphone so that you have to share Beyonce's mic with her. Then throw your non-Symbol guitar onto the stage in triumph at the end of the montage.

- When Ellen Degeneres rambles on too long about herself, it's best just to drown her out with Beatles clips in the background. Even when she continues to read from the teleprompter. Just drown her out. Eventually she won't be able to scream over the music.

- The Beatles were honored by morphing into Sting, Dave Matthews, Vince Gill, and one of The Neptunes. Nothing says 'Beatles' more than a country-twanged verse of a Beatles classic from Vince Gill. Yee-haw Beatles.

- The White Stripes, um, well, what was that? Does anybody else not understand a word that dude 'sang'? And what is with the tight red pants? For two people playing just two intruments, they were extremely frightening. The bright lights and furious guitar-ing left me unsure of where I was. But, that chick plays drums. And that's cool.

- Outkast did a great Von Trapp Family Singers impression. Did anyone else wonder where Andre 3000 was when Outkast was announced as winners of something, yet he was nowhere to be found for too many awkward minutes? Check that. I don't want to know.

- Justin Timberlake, as we all know, was so bad last week at the Super Bowl that he had to bring his mom with him this week to the Grammys. He should take her everywhere. He was fairly well behaved.

- If you are receiving a Lifetime Achievement award, or any award for being one of the cornerstones of music, you get two sentences from the teleprompter, and your mug on camera for two seconds. Please, don't come up on stage for your award. Remain in your seat. Whatever you do, you are not allowed to make a speech. We applaud you for making music what it is today so the freaks we currently know as 'musicians' can be famous and make lots of money. But by all means, stay in your seat where we can honor you without having to actually talk to, or touch you. And if you could give your seat back to the seat filler when we are done 'honoring' you, that would be great. Thanks for all you've done for the past fifty years.

- Justin Timberlake seems to wish he was the girl from the Black Eyed Peas. So much so, that he refuses to leave the stage after his own performance, tries to blend in as a superfluous Pea, sings her lines while she sings them, and reportedly tried to steal her short skirt before the show began. Fortunately, she had her wardrobe under control and functioning properly throughout the day, and thank goodness. No way Justin's legs would look as good in that skirt.

- Odd musical match-ups now take the place of good musical decisions. Someone thought the following pairings were a good idea:
=Prince and Beyonce (yep, I wasn't so crazy in love with that purple rain.)
=Sting and Sean Paul (rappin' Roxanne, it just isn't right.)
=The four dudes who butchered the Beatles tune (four genres of music that should never again collide.)
=Earth Wind and Fire with Outkast, and a side of George Clinton (double yikes)
=Chick Corea and Foo Fighters (in what bizarro world does this even begin to make sense?)
=Sarah McLachlan and Alison Krause's fiddle (sounded nice enough, but would have rocked more with the Soggy Bottom Boys added to the mix.)
=Richard Marx and Celine Dion (I'm just sayin', nice enough song, but mic checks are done for a reason. And when did Richard Marx emerge from his cave of not being cool anymore?)
Granted, not all of those were as bizarre as some of the others. But dude, if I was Alison Krause, I'd be ticked at having to play second fiddle to Sarah McLachlan.

- Alicia Keys wore her big blue prom dress. It was really nice in 1985.

- Sting wore knee socks, under what was quite possibly a dress. His cool factor just took a major hit.

- Celine Dion seems able to sponaneously generate a whole lot of hair on demand. Didn't she as recently as not so long ago, have really short hair? Amazing.

- By the end of the Funk All-Stars, there were literally 108,000 people on stage. If you were wearing something weird, you were required to be on stage, attempting to sing. Some people didn't know the words, but that didn't stop the funk. Samuel L. Jackson doesn't know how to funk, but even that didn't stop the funk. Never again should so much funk be attempted on one stage at one time. It was dangerous. We all love some Earth Wind and Fire, but at the rate they were going, it was doubtful it would never end. Thank goodness a prehistoric George Clinton needed to be returned to the museum before it closes at 9:00pm.

- Along with funk, came the year's hottest fashion trend- feathery leg warmers. Thank you, bass-playing Earth Wind and Fire dude. You and the Outkast back-up dancers have done us all a great fashion service. Please see Sting and bestow some feathery leg warmers upon him to cover the knee socks.

- Also ever fashion conscious, the Evanescence chick wow-ed us with her ability to make an entire dress out of black electrical tape. Amazingly, her wardrobe remained intact throughout the evening. Let's hear it for electrical tape, which will be flying off of the shelves of Home Depot in mass quantities and onto your teenage daughter, right about . . . now.

- Speaking of Evanescence, did anyone else notice they have one normal looking guy in the band? No tape, no long hair, no tattoos, no random cane, nice suit. That's a puzzler.

- Mary J. Blige made her dress of out Big Bird. Sorry, kids.

- Jason Alexander made a really lame joke about Jason Alexander Spears. Fortunately, I was distracted by the sparkly, overly-bejeweled goblets of Snoop Dog and that other dude. Sparkly . . .

- Again, Richard Marx? He won an award? What is going on?? Is he popular again? I swear it's not the 80's anymore. Is it?

- Continuing the great grand Grammy Honor to the Beatles, they were actually asked to come on stage for an award. However, the two departed Beatles could only send a wife and a Yoko. A touching moment, of course. And then the two living Beatles decided not to bother showing up to be honored. Next year, we should honor people who would actually be there to receive the honor. Someone like me, for instance. In fact, I'll put it on my calendar now.

- Marching band is cool again. As a former band nerd, I give props to Andre 3000 for incorporating a marching band into the most bizarre musical performance I've seen in quite sometime. A spaceship teepee, dancing squaws with Polaroid cameras, and a marching band. That was just cool. Take that, cheerleaders and football players.

- There is no doubt in my mind that it is impossible to wear too much plaid. Thank you, mohawked dude from No Doubt for reminding us that the only thing that goes with plaid is, in fact, a lot more plaid.

- The teleprompter-reading stylings of Matthew Perry and John Mayer were seriously hampered by John Mayer's inability to relax and play off of Matthew Perry's wit and charm. Dude, Chandler is funny! Stop looking so sad to be standing next to him.

- In an attempt to win the award for Most Inappropriate, while singing a song about being beautiful, Christina Aguilara sports the worst hairdo I've ever seen in my life, borrowing the hair straight from the head of what I can only assume was a neglected Sears mannequin that was attacked by a swarm of bees in a tornado. Then, in hopes of more inappropriate exposure in front of a national audience, she dons a dress that is almost completely missing the front, and then proceeds to make the most off-handed comment possible at the point in time that she discovers her boobs are about to pull a Janet. Someone get that girl a turtleneck, and shave her head. Save us all.

- Noticeably absence from the awards was Britney Spears, in what was quite possibly the first Britney-free day in the past 365 consecutive days. Also absent, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. A major oversight, if you ask me.

Again, the Grammys delivered on an entertaining fourteen hours of television. Congrats to the winners. Condolences to the losers. Nice to see you, to the performers.

I'll see you again next year for another unbiased review. And I'd better be nominated for something. This 28-year streak of not nominating me for anything is, quite frankly, completely apalling.

C.T.