Back to Reality
Reality TV, of course. What else?

In my absence last week, lots of reality TV occured. I spent much of last night catching up on it. In fact, I dreamed about it when I went to sleep, waking up this morning wondering if I had really just auditioned for American Idol or not. Seriously. It was very Lizzy Hated Pantyhose.

I dreamed that I was riding my bike, when I happened to find myself at the place where American Idol auditions were taking place. My Jeep was already there, for some reason. So I put the bike in the Jeep and went inside the building. There was a short line (as opposed to the gobs of people in the lines you see on TV), in which I saw several people I used to hang out with but haven't seen in years. We chatted. I decided that since I was already there, I might as well audition, too. So I jumped in line, filled out a form, and then it was my turn. I belted out an amazing rendition of 'Amazing Grace', although I have no idea why I would choose this song as an audition piece for national television. After I finished singing, Randy and Paula were lukewarm about my performance, and Simon said it was 'technically perfect', which meant it was boring and uninteresting. I did not get invited to Hollywood, and the judges got up to leave the room for a break. I then turned into one of those sad contestants that we all make fun of, but who make the best freaks for good television. You know the ones. They proceed to beg and plead to go to Hollywood. I did that in the dream. I actually followed Simon out of the room, pleading my case as he went to get coffee. He stopped me, gave me a hug (totally un-Simon-like), and said 'no' again. Then I woke up.

Too much watching of American Idol maybe? Um . . . no.

So, to touch on just a few things regarding the latest episodes (some a week late) of my favorite reality shows, here I go:

There's no crying in modeling.
If you are not watching the new season of America's Next Top Model, you should be. It's as funny as the first, and with more action-packed drama. The episode from last week featured more models crying about absolutely nothing than should be allowed in one hour of programming. I was trying to lift weights while watching this show on tape last night, but was laughing too hard through most of the show to be able to lift and not harm myself with the weights. There's just something really funny about dressing up a bunch of model wannabees, suspending them from the air over a giant gaping hole, and then making them pose for the camera in between the freaking out and the crying. This week should be a competition to see who can cry the most without ruining a photo shoot. I'd put money on Catie, since Heather went home last week. Catie didn't seem so emotional before last week, but then again, that was before they chopped all of her hair off. Perhaps the long hair gave her strength to not be such a big, whine-y, crybaby. Oops.

Three Idols is always better than one.
This week we get three Idols again. It does hinge on the verge of Idol-overload, but after last night's 'Best and Worst' of the auditions, I was sad when the show ended. I was truly entertained. Tonight the second part of the competition starts, with the 117 (yes, that's an odd and ridiculous number) Hollywood-bound contestants beginning the battle of surviving the likes of Scooter Girl, Jesus and Jesus' brother, and that dude from last night who thinks he is three times better than everyone on the previous seasons of Idol. Truthfully, some of the people who were rewarded with a ticket to Hollywood would never have made it if I had been a judge (and I absolutely should be). But then again, the weirdos and people who can't sing keep things interesting. So I'm sure we are in for a very special treat with the remaining Idols this week.

How do you solve a problem like Tina?
You boot her off the show as the first Survivor to non-survive the All-Star Survivors. How embarrassing is that?? She won one already, and now she's the first to go. I caught the season premier of All-Star Survivor while unpacking late Sunday night, so it was a bit of a blur. But it sounded whine-y and complain-y as usual, which is what we all like to see. And there was something really fun about seeing Tina voted off, after she gave her answer at tribal council about not choosing a previous winner to win if the choice came down to a winner and a non-winner in the end. Here's a hint to the rest of the All-Stars: don't answer questions like that. Just smile and nod. Unless you want to be the next to follow Tina home to what's left of her previous million-dollar winnings.

Nothing says 'I Love You' like a hideously over-diamonded watch.
The new season of Nick & Jessica's Newlyweds is so far, as good as the first. It's also pretty much exactly like the first, but that's the Nick & Jessica I love. For Nick's 30th birthday, Jessica plans a big birthday bash. All by herself, apparently. With some help, that is. But basically by herself, which she announces will make Nick very proud of her. She bestows upon Nick a giant watch completely covered in diamonds, which I'm sure will go nicely with all his ripped-off-sleeveless t-shirts and baggy shorts. Jessica then pops out of a giant birthday cake and sings happy birthday, while scantily clad in something resembling lingerie. All the while, her parents stand faithfully close by, enjoying the festivities. Did you know her dad used to be a youth pastor? Yep. He was.

Anyway, I'm mostly caught up from last week's reality television, just in time for this week's shows.

I hope I don't have a nightmare about Scooter Girl tonight. She does frighten me.

Yikes.

C.T.