Idol-a-Tree
After last night's performance, it was proven once again that there are a few bad apples still remaining on the show. Apples grow on trees, hanging on for dear life til they fall, either because they can't hold on any longer, or because someone shakes the tree. No rhyme or reason. I see this contest situation now as Idol-a-Tree. We just don't know when these bad apples will finally fall.

In a perfect world, America would vote based on performance, and Carmen should definitely be going home tonight. Even Smokey Robinson couldn't muster up anything kind to say to our poor young pitch-challenged contestant. She somehow manages to get worse every week. But since we know Carmen has bought 21 million AT&T cell phones and given them away to homeless people in exchange for them voting for her as many times as possible within the two hour voting window, we can almost count on her sticking around for at least another week. 21 million homeless people with cell phones can be very dangerous.

As I watched the show last night with ears and eyes that can hear and see, I saw that there are clearly two levels of talent in this competition. On one level you have Clay, Ruben, and Kimberly Locke, who continue to perform at a high standard every week. They may not always be perfect, but they are serious about winning and they come on stage to deliver a performance. On the lower level you have Carmen, Trenyce, and Kimberly Caldwell who seem to not be aware that people can hear and see them. They perform as though they are singing into the bottom end of a tennis racquet or a hairbrush in front of the mirror in their own bedroom, in stolen Old Navy underwear. Cheesy, loud, and worthy of many, many jokes at their expense. Joshua lives in the floor between the levels. Sometimes my ears can stand him, other times, not so much.

So I predict for tonight that the bottom three will be Kimberly C., Carmen, and Kimberly Locke, only because America seems to forget to vote for KL, and she keeps ending up in the bottom three. But in a surprise twist, still sitting on the couch thinking he is safe, Joshua will be booted from the show because he's worn out his welcome as America's favorite Marine. Kimberly C. will cry so much it will turn into a kicking, screaming tantrum on the Idol seal in the middle of the stage, before she realizes she's not going home. Kimberly Locke will stand perfectly still, hoping America continues to not notice her as a target for next week if she pretends she's a statue. Trenyce will steal Ryan Seacrest's hairpiece. Ruben will toss Clay into the air in a triumphant juggling attempt. And Carmen will take a victory lap around the stage wearing her Prom Queen tiara and a sash that says 'Miss American Idol 2003'.

C.T.