Ventriloquist Painting
One of the latest searches for cynicism lead someone here longing for 'the ventriloquist painting'. Therefore, I will write a story based on this hot topic. Warning: following is possibly a really bad story.

Once upon a time, there was a ventriloquist. His name was Vincent. As a child he'd dreamed of becoming a world famous ventriloquist. Instead of playing with the other kids outside, as a normal young boy would do, he'd spend hours alone in his room, speaking without moving his lips, having complete conversations with his stuffed teddy bear, G.I. Joe, and a tattered rag doll given to him by his crazy Aunt Petunia who always wished he'd been a girl. He was embarrassed of the rag doll, yet it held a certain charm when it came to practicing throwing his voice. It seemed to understand his intense desire to become a world reknown ventriloquist. The rag doll became his best friend. Vincent named the doll Randy.

As he grew older, he perfected his craft of ventriloquism. For his sixteenth birthday, instead of wishing for a new car to go with his new driver's license, he asked for the envy of all ventriloquists far and wide, the V-2000 Ventriloquist Dummy Deluxe. Vincent's parents had long since given up on having a normal child interested in normal things, but they took great care in making sure Vincent was happy. So as Vincent awoke on the morning of his sixteenth birthday, he was startled to find a V-2000 staring at him from next to his bed. He screamed, then struck up a conversation with himself that has since never ended.

Soon Vincent abandoned Randy the Rag Doll, and the V-2000 became his constant companion. He named it Vaughn, and they were truly inseparable. Vincent and Vaughn participated in the school's talent show, to the sounds of boos and hisses from the student audience. Vaughn accompanied Vincent to his senior prom, much to the amusement of his fellow students. As Vincent graduated valedictorian of his high school class, his speech honored his most dear and loyal friend, Vaughn. As the two buddies bantered back and forth on stage in front of the entire student body, friends, and family, it became clear to Vaughn that his lifelong dream of becoming the most famous ventriloquist in history was about to begin. He knew he would be a star.

For the next several years, Vincent struggled to find his place in the world of ventriloquism. He found it to be a tough market, full of fierce competition and an overall lack of interest from mainstream entertainment. However, there was a small niche of loyal ventriloquist followers, and soon he became a legend in the quaint world of ventriloquism.

As his career continued, many up-and-comers in the world of ventriloquism began stealing Vincent's and Vaughn's spotlight. They were young and hip, incorporating all kinds of new-fangled intricacies into their performances. Vaughn was no longer the top of the line model, and he was beginning to show his age. Vincent's jokes and conversations were becoming dull and out of date. He knew he needed a 'hook', a splash of something more colorful, to stand out from the rest of the common ventriloquists saturating the market. But what could he do? His answer was soon to come.

During a show near a PETA demonstration, Vincent and Vaughn mistakenly staged their show dangerously close to the angry demonstrators. As they began their routine, the PETA mob erroneously assumed Vincent and Vaughn were part of the Proud Fur-Wearing Podiatrists convention. The protestors began throwing paint at the Podiatrists, and before Vincent could carry Vaughn to safety, they were doused by buckets of red and white paint.

At first, Vincent was distraught. He was covered with paint, as was Vaughn. The more they dodged the paint, the more ferociously they were pursued by the PETA mob. As Vincent continued his conversation with Vaughn through the paint attack, he noticed he was attracting a lot of attention, including passersby and media. People were cheering for him, and laughing at him. He was red and white from head to toe, and he suddenly realized this splash of color was exactly the 'splash of color' he needed to revolutionize the world of ventriloquism.

Under the marketing expertise of Vaughn the V-2000, Vincent worked to develop the extreme sport of Ventriloquist Painting. It combines the refined artistic experience of an upscale ventriloquist show, with the sport and raw, unleashed creative passion of a good old fashioned paint throwing. His number one sponsor is PETA, and through this partnership of Vincent, Vaughn, and PETA, Ventriloquist Painting is the world famous, highly reknowned, extreme sport known internationally today.

The End

That could be the worst story ever.

C.T.