People Look Funny While Exercising
Myself included.

While biking many laps around the lake, I don't have much to entertain myself as I pedal. Fortunately, there are plenty of people around to provide entertainment for me. Following is my analysis of people while exercising.

First, there are the serious exercise people. They run or bike like they really mean it, including their attire. They are professionally spandexed from head to toe, usually in bright colors, lest we lose them or not be able to see them coming in broad daylight. Some runners often sport those too short, fly-away running shorts that have no business even existing, let alone attempting to cover anyone's backside. They are meticulously evenly tanned from top to bottom, somehow overcoming the tan line conundrum which arises from exercising outdoors while wearing clothes. They have expensive bikes or running shoes and equipment to let them know how fast they are going, their heart rate, the time in seventeen different time zones, the gravitational pull of the moon, the migratory patterns of the wildebeest, and the lunch special at their favorite chinese restaurant. These people are out for a major workout, and they want everyone to know how serious they are. Overly professional, attractive depending on how well they can pull of the spandex, and not convincingly enjoying themselves.

Next, there are the semi-serious exercise people. Runners, cyclers, and even walkers alike. I fall into this category. I bike like I mean it, but not like I need you to know that I mean it. I wear minimal spandex, prefering to be comfortable and economical, rather than spend all of my money on neon jerseys and shorts decorated with flames or catchy 'to the max' phrases. I have an oddly shaped tan pattern resulting from biking out of doors in a situation where not all of my skin evenly sees the sun, and the skin that does get sun just simply burns. I have most of the right equipment, although not top of the line, since I priced and purchased items I could afford without having to sell a kidney. I look semi-professional, in that I have good equipment and decent attire, but I don't need my equipment to tell me any superfluous information other than my speed and the time of day. Semi-professional and serious, yet not attractive, but enjoying myself.

Then we have the clueless people. These are the people out biking or running or walking, but who seem to not realize it. They intend to make it exercise, rather than just go for a nice walk outside, yet they don't seem to quite realize their own intent. They are also dressed head to toe in spandex, but it usually doesn't match, is a strange off-color of some sort, and truthfully should not be on their bodies in public. They wear headphones so they can 'rock out' to their favorite tunes while 'exercising', including air-drumming. They wander about at a ridiculously slow pace, often in the middle of the trail or path, creating a hazard for others to avoid, oblivious to other exercising people around them. They bike so slowly that it is a wonder they even have enough momentum to remain upright. They seem to think they are exercising and getting a good workout, yet they only break a sweat because they are wearing too many layers of spandex. Not at all professional or serious, definitely not attractive, but apparently enjoying themselves.

Finally, there are the random people who exercise in packs doing something odd. These are the ten or so people dressed alike in matching spandex jerseys and shorts, rollerblading at high speeds within inches of each other, at a lake where rollerbladers rarely exist. Are they training for an event? What event would that be? We don't have a large rollerblading population as an organized sport in this area. So the question begs to be asked, what the heck are they doing? And why are they all doing it together, in unison?

Now, aside from these categories of people according to look and attire, no matter how professional or non-professional you may be, or how much fun you may or may not be having, people just look funny while exercising. There's no way around it. Your category of exercising is really a moo point when it comes to anyone's ability to not look funny while exercising.

Yes, I said moo point. Cows look funny while exercising, too. Therefore, their opinion doesn't matter.

The 'professionals' think they look good, but in thinking they look good, they actually look funny. They breathe in rhythm. They run or cycle in some sort of odd form that is supposed to be proper technique, but in all reality, it just looks funny. Some of them have an interesting spring to their step, or a creative arm flail or hand flop. They all have seriously intense looks on their faces, as if their face needs a workout along with the rest of their bodies. They are in the 'zone'. Even though the 'zone' makes them look funny.

The semi-professionals try to look good, but we don't. We huff and puff and try to keep up with the professionals whizzing past us, but we can't keep up. We take pride in being able to valiantly pass the non-professionals. We deal with things like superfluous amounts of snot that accompany us as we pedal, for some reason brought on by exercise. This causes us to sniff while trying to also breath, resulting in hyperventilation. We look great going downhill or pedaling on flat surfaces, but when hills or wind attack we lose all focus and pretty much crawl our way to the top and out of the wind. We have basic good form, but we are easily distracted by birds or small children or other exercisers who look and perform better than we do. Personally, when fully suited up and in full cycling mode, I tend to resemble a gangly praying mantis of sorts, complete with bug-eyed sunglasses, a head protected by a large helmet-like shell, and extraneously lengthy limbs flailing about. We search for the 'zone', and we see it pass us several times a day. Sometimes we catch it for a bit. Mostly, we miss it.

The non-professionals could care less if they look good, yet they secretly think they do look good. Their faces are red, even though they haven't exerted enough energy to justify raising their heartrate. They feed the ducks as they walk. They talk on cell phones. They carry weights equalling up to 1lb, waving their arms back and forth as though they are getting a complete upper body workout to go with their leisurely stroll. Some of these people have dogs wandering with them. These people have no idea a 'zone' exists, and therefore exist in more of a Twilght Zone void of real exercise, more than anything else. These people wonder why they never quite get in shape, even though they are frequently out of doors, wandering about.

The random people look funny simply because they are completely out of place, yet their matching spandex would indicate that they feel we all need to notice just how out of place they are. They make a bold statement about whatever it is they are doing, trying to impress everyone else. Yet they are more annoying than in any way taken seriously. They look extremely funny. Together. In unison.

Of course, this doesn't sum up everyone who gets out for some exercise now and then. There are always people who just don't fit into one category or another. But whatever your motivation for exercising in the form of your choice, from one funny looking exerciser to the rest of you, thanks for the entertainment.

C.T.