Can You Hear Me Now?
I stumbled onto a blog the other day, and found this piece. I don't know anything about this blogger except what's on her site. But thanks to alexthegirl for beautifully capturing a thought on the subject of really listening.

Sometimes I'll read something that really says what I've felt at times with words that convey the thought better than I could. Alexthegirl makes a great, well-written point about something I think we all feel from time to time: the need to be heard. We desire to have people in our lives who will say (and I quote alexthegirl here), “I hear you. I will hear you until you have told me everything you need to say.” What a beautiful idea, to be able to give or receive such a powerful promise. It's a great expectation that we will inevitably fall short of, but it doesn't hurt to try a little harder.

I'm not much of a people person, and not much of a talker. I don't think I ever realized how good it feels to have people who listen to me when I have something to share, until I had a need to open up and I was blessed to find a few willing to hear me. And I don't think I ever realized how much I'd miss that until I didn't have that so much anymore. There is a tremendously wonderful feeling of peace and security when you know that people know who you are because they've taken time to be with you, listen to you, and also let you listen to them. Knowing you can share things with people, and they are interested in sharing in these things with you, is a perk of relationships that is extremely valuable. It's unfortunate that so many things depend on getting to and being able to stay at that stage of relationship. It's a fragile state that can be destroyed when we let things get in the way, and when we stop listening and start assuming.

I think we often feel there is a huge responsibility that comes with listening, and this fear of responsibility keeps us from letting people in our lives know that we hear them. We don't take the time to listen, and we don't want to give of ourselves to spend with someone who needs to share a sorrow, or a joy, or just shoot the breeze for awhile. We're so busy packing as much into our schedules as we can, that we become unapproachable to those who would enjoy a few minutes with us. We create a life that doesn't require us to commit more than a few minutes here or there, and we end up not making time to spend with each other. We take on so much responsibility in every area of our lives, and yet we feel the responsibility of being a dependable listener for a friend or loved one is a major responsibility commitment to avoid. Why? Because we feel like we are supposed to do something with what we hear.

I'm guilty of this myself. Our first thought is, "Ok, what am I expected to do with this information? I can't fix this. Does she expect me to fix this for her? What if I don't say the right thing? Will I have to keep listening the next time she needs to talk? What am I getting myself into? Do I have time for this? Am I the right person for her to talk to about this?" We miss the point that the point of listening is just to listen. I don't think many people go to a friend to talk, expecting that this is the chosen person to fix whatever is shared. The point of being with others is just to be with others. It's being available for awhile. It's not up to us to take what we hear and do anything with it. The act of listening is pretty simple just in offering the support of receiving whatever is going on at that moment. You don't have to have the answers. There may not even be any answers. And that's okay. Just hear people. You'd be surprised how much that helps just about any situation.

Thinking back over people who come and go through my life, the most meaningful and memorable times for me in each of those relationships were the conversations. Sharing and receiving and getting to know people by talking and opening up our lives. Letting them know me and being thankful that there were at least a few people in the world who seemed to want to know me, and even perhaps enjoy me. I love hearing people tell me about their lives: past, present, and future. It means a lot to me that people will let me into their world and share that with me. But that doesn't mean I'm supposed to do anything with what they share. I think the main responsibility with listening is to commit to it. Commit to hearing. Commit to sharing. Commit to knowing someone, and letting yourself be known. Just commit to participating, and quit being afraid of 'what it could mean' or 'what you might be expected to do'. If you listen and know someone well enough, you'll know when it is your time to do something, and what you need to do. How cool is it to know someone well enough to know what makes them happy, sad, scared, excited, silly, or quirky, and how you can be a part of that? And how cool is it to know they know the same about you? Very cool.

It's so important to hear people. I'm guilty of not really listening as much as the next person. My brain is very busy, so sometimes I find it hard to stop thinking about whatever is going on in my brain for just a moment, and instead turn my full attention to someone else for awhile. Sometimes I find I'm concentrating too hard on 'appearing' to listen, that I'm not actually listening as well as I should be. But, knowing how bad it feels when I don't feel heard, or when it doesn't seem like anyone wants to listen to me, or when no one seems available, I want to be a better listener for others. It isn't a good feeling to feel like no one really hears you, or worse, mis-hears what you have to say or feel. We all need to be heard, especially heard correctly. When we're sad, when we're scared, when we're excited, when we just want to chat for a bit. How good does it feel to pick up a phone, call a friend, and know that throughout the next few minutes of conversation, you absolutely have their full attention, and you are heard and known for those few minutes? It's priceless, really. And something probably not many of us have.

It shouldn't be a burden to listen, to make time for it, to seek it out, even. If people matter to you, just listen, and let them listen to you. Like you mean it. I promise that will vastly improve any relationship, both the good ones or the ones needing some improvement. Listening helps us know how to interact with the people we care about. Let listening affect you. It's not such a bad thing to relent control of your world for awhile, just to listen.

It's important to remember that in our desire to be heard, that need will never be entirely filled by any loved one or friend. And, we are never expected to fill that need entirely for anyone else. But we do what we can, and that is enough.

Hear me now.

C.T.