Idol-ees: Where are They Now?
To wrap up my slew of end-o'-season Idol quips, I would like to jump ahead six months to check in on our favorite Idol-ee finalists. Join me as I take a glimpse into life after Idol, to see how it has improved, or un-proved, the lives of our winner and losers:

1. Vanessa Olivarez- First to be voted out of the finalist round, we all know Vanessa quickly shed her clothes to bare all for PETA. As the latest nude spokesmodel for PETA, Vanessa's popularity grew. As did her weight. In her obsessive quest to prove Simon wrong about her butt and need to lose weight, Vanessa struck out in the other direction, attempting to gain as much weight as possible. She now heads up the PETA Sumo Wrestling Team, headquartered in Boise, Idaho, where she freely roams the countryside, indulging on potatoes by the bushel. Vanessa plans to join the 2004 Olympic Sumo Wrestling Team, if that does actually exist. She credits her newfound fame and fortune to American Idol. And to Simon, her source of inspiration.

2. Charles Grigsby- Who? After Charles was voted off of the show, the entire world forgot he was ever on the show. He currently walks the streets of his hometown in Oberlin, OH, completely anonymous in the sea of several thousand people. He continues to work at the grocery store that so enthusiastically supported him throughout his brief time in the competition, although he had to show two forms of I.D. in order to get back on the payroll again. In his spare time, Charles is working on his Justin Timberlake impersonation, in case we ever misplace Justin Timberlake and need to replace him with a more tan version.

3. Julia DeMato- Her demise from the show left her uncertain of what to do. During the weeks following her exit, she continued to lurk around the set, hoping to blend in through the final round and somehow win the title. Currently, Julia is 'working' as a hairstylist at a mental hospital in Los Angeles. Sources say she simply drove herself crazy trying to remain apart of the Idol excitement. A security guard found her inside the auditorium a week after the big finale show. She was on stage singing 'Miss Independent' to an empty audience, dressed as Kelly Clarkson. After being subdued with tranquilizer darts, she was removed from the stage and admitted to the hospital. She spends her days trimming a leafy fern with a pair of 'scissors' made of two straws and a rubberband.

4. Corey Clark- Corey's disqualification from the show took everyone by surprise. But to friends and family who knew Clark well, it was no surprise. Corey's middle name is Damien, and his life is a testimony of pure evil, violence, and mesh shirts. Corey took some time off after he left the show, trying to reinvent himself with a new image. But after a full 24 hours without a mesh shirt, Corey went berserk in a local Wal-Mart, attacking two of those friendly old people who stand at the door to greet people coming in and leaving. Today, Corey is working on his comeback appearance, while he awaits the end of his four year sentence for assault and battery, and bad fashion sense. His prison mates have helped Corey shed that goofy grin off his face, and have also raised his voice another octave.

5. Ricky Smith- Ricky is currently in negotiations with Eddie Murphy to develop The Nutty Professor III - Hercules in Hawaii. Mr. Murphy is an avid fan of American Idol, and upon seeing Ricky's impersonation of his character from The Nutty Professor, he quickly contacted Ricky to collaborate on the third installment of the Professor Trilogy. This third part to the story is a two hour finale in which Sherman is remade as a cyborg, sent on a cruise to Hawaii to meet his long lost son Herman, and together the two of them must save the islands of Hawaii from Neo, Trinity, Jar Jar Binks, and Voldemoort. Look for this blockbuster to hit theaters in Summer 2004.

6. Kimberly Caldwell- Kimberly wasted no time pursuing a show business career after she was chosen to leave Idol. She was immediately signed as a correspondent to a new extreme sports show on the FOX Sports Network. She spent several months covering events such as Extreme Snowboarding in Hawaii, Extreme Bungy Jumping off a Low Bridge, Extreme Cross Country Skiing in Quicksand, Extreme Underwater Bowling, and Extreme Monsoon Fly-Fishing. With the popularity of the show gathering an audience in the tens of twenties, Kimberly knew her own popularity was growing nearly as fast. She quit on a high note to pursue a career as a pierced navel model. You can see her pierced navel on almost ten billboards nationwide. Kimberly hopes to return to the stage next spring in Carmen Electra's Semi-Burlesque show currently touring the States. And about that torrid love affair with that other Idol loser who didn't even make the finalist round? She dumped him because she realized that he is a total goon. He was not ready for her jelly.

7. Carmen Rasmussen- Carmen went on to complete the ninth grade. She starred in her All School Talent Show, and was voted out after being booed offstage and run out of the building. From there Carmen decided to pursue her life-long dream of being Sarah Michelle Gellar. She will star in the upcoming Christmas release I Still Kinda Know What You Did Last Summer and the Summer Before That- the Revenge of Helen the Small Town Beauty Queen. Carmen reprises Sarah Michelle Gellar's role as the beauty queen who was hooked to death in the original movie of this trilogy. She returns as a cyborg intent on avenging whoever messed up her hair and caused her to break a nail. Hilarity and horror ensue as the Beauty Cyborg dons her tiara, battles through a song and dance number, rescues a Hobbit, slays a vampire, and ultimately triumphs over evil, but at the price of losing her voice forever. Don't miss the Carmenator in her big screen debut. Opens Christmas Day 2003.

8. Trenyce- Trenyce left the show amidst a flurry of Old Navy controversy. In an effort to prove she does not need to rip-off anyone else in order to make a name for herself, she has since opened her own nationwide chain of budget priced retail clothing stores, Old Burgundy. While she did struggle briefly with stealing her own clothes from her own stores, she is in a twelve step program to cure her addiction and begin a better life of honestly paying for her own cheap clothes. In her spare time, she stalks Whitney Houston. Trenyce can be seen during the fall in her series of Old Burgundy commercials, along with RJ, Ejay, Jim Varraros, and Ryan Starr from American Idol 1.

9. Lance Corporal Josh Gracin- Josh, the pride of the Marine Corp, returned to base immediately following his exit from American Idol. It was a hero's welcome. The following day he was sent to the South Pole on a recon mission, and has not been heard from since. God Bless America.

10. Kimberley Locke- Kimberley is currently in the studio finishing her second album, Songs With More Emotion That I Wished I'd Sung During the Competition, a companion compilation to her first album, In Search of a Personality. After Kimberley left the show, she hired Simon for private lessons in personality development, to go along with her physical metamorphosis throughout the show. Eventually, the two fell in love and were married in a small ceremony in Ryan Seacrest's garage apartment. Kimberley and Simon will soon be the proud parents of twins, a boy and girl to be named Randy and Paula.

11. Clay Aiken- Clay packed up the Rent-a-Choir from the finale shows and hit the road on his Clay Ain't Broadway world tour. Filled with lavish dance numbers, colorful costumes, exotic facial expressions, and a full orchestra, Clay's show is the story of one tall skinny white boy's journey to overcome the stereotype of possibly being too Broadway-ish to gain respect as a pop star. With his last stop in New York, Clay and the town of Raleigh, North Carolina moved into the theater recently vacated by Les Miserable. He is currently collaborating with Billy Joel to put American Idol: The Musical on stage during Spring 2004.

12. Ruben Studdard- Ruben decided to forego his singing career to start his own clothing line of 205 shirts, one day hoping to expand to include 205 pants, hats, socks, underwear, and trenchcoats. He invested the million dollar recording contract won by his victory on American Idol into recording radio spots to promote his 205 shirt business. Ruben is also campaining to change every area code in the country to 205. He plans to run against George W. Bush in the next presidential election. And, he hopes to one day compete against Vanessa Olivarez in the World Sumo Wrestling Championships.

Wow, it really is amazing how American Idol can change your life. I wish them all the best in their endeavors.

C.T.