Idol Finale: The Ultimate Boredom
I was so bored last night watching American Idol. I mean, I didn't even sit on the couch and watch it. I wandered around my apartment looking for something to do to keep me awake. Clay and Ruben sang six of the slowest songs on earth, in the slowest possible arrangements ever. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

I was hoping for a big finish. Something really spectacular. Something requiring at least a little movement from one or both of the Idol-ees. I mean, James Worthy, the world's oldest living former NBA player, and apparently the only Idol-interested celebrity in the audience, was moving faster than Clay or Ruben. And he was sitting still! And he's old!

But, I thought Ruben performed better than Clay. I didn't love either one of them, but as Simon said, Clay seemed off most of the night. I mean, what was with that first 'original' song? Who wrote that giant hunk of cheese? Is that the song I predicted would be written in a compilation effort by Julia Demato, Carmen, and Satan? Phew! It stunk!

And then, what was with the choir for 'Bridge Over Troubled Water?' Clay "I'm Not a Broadway Singer" Aiken busts out with this huge Broadway choir version of this non-Broadway song. Why didn't Ruben get a choir, too? Or back-up dancers? Or at least Ryan Seacrest doing the wave, or running man, or robot from his perch on stage? I didn't know you could bring props!! I think that's cheating. And again, everyone in that choir was moving more than Clay did all night. Are his feet made of concrete? Is he missing knee joints? Why can't he get at least a little groove going???

Oh well. I think Ruben will win, but it will be close. And really, it doesn't matter who wins. We'll have to sit through an hour and forty five minutes of clips, Idol music videos, remembering the entire season and previous losers (much like we do every week), and several group numbers including all the rejects, especially the ones we love to hate. Then after 108 commercial breaks, Ryan will announce a winner. The newly crowned American Idol 2003 will be presented with a sash and tiara from the reigning American Idol 2002, Kelly Clarkson. Carmen will try to steal it, only to be beaten down by Corey Clark who somehow made it back into the building past security. Julia Demato will go berserk that her Idol Carmen is being destroyed, and she'll totally rip out every curly 'fro strand on Corey's head and then personally escort him out back to the parking lot, shoving him into a dumpster. Meanwhile, the winner will have to sing his new #1 single, packed with cheesiness, written for him by Diane Warren, Neal Sedaka, and Billy Joel. He'll then make a movie with the loser: Clay and Ruben's Broadway R&B Beach Party. And we'll be all set for the next season of American Idol.

Oops. Sorry if I spoiled tonight's show for anyone. You may not want to read this completely accurate spoiler before watching the show tonight.

May Idol-ee with the most votes win.

C.T.

PS: Was there a comment last night about Ryan Seacrest being a midget, or non-tall? I think I missed it, or else it's just a coincidence that I've had many hits to my blog since the show last night, referring to Ryan's midget-ness, or looking for answers about his height. Well, people. You've come to the right place. This is the #1 source for all the answers to your American Idol questions. Ryan is not a midget. He prefers the term 'dwarf'. And he is nearly 3 feet tall, when his hair is spiked just right. What you see on screen makes him look like a nearly normal-heighted person because the camera actually adds 2.5 feet. Thanks for stopping by!