Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Public Service Announcement to All People of the World

The Tyrant watches the news everyday, and she also enjoys keeping the world safe. In light of recent headlines, The Tyrant would like to help spread the word to her international audience with the following Public Service Announcement:


"All toys in the world (except for extra-large Nerf footballs) are recalled IMMEDIATELY.

If you have purchased, played with, looked at, glanced toward, touched, sniffed, brushed up against, licked, or come within a 25 foot radius of ANY toy in the past 10 years, you must return this toy to the manufacturer RIGHT NOW.

If you have recently given a toy of any kind to any children at any time since they were born (including Hilary Duff or Harry Potter action figures), please immediately collect all of their toys, right in front of them (including whatever they are holding and playing with RIGHT NOW), and call in a HazMat team to descend upon your house in their bright yellow uniforms, fumigate your house and torch your child's toys where they can watch.

The goal here is to scare the living daylights out of your already upset children, and leave them utterly toyless, and alone.

ALL TOYS (except extra-large Nerf footballs) may or may not be contaminated with lead paint, anthrax, pollen, and/or various types of pulverized cereals, included Froot Loops and Captain Crunch, and MAY be hazardous to your health and to the health of all human persons under the height of 12 inches tall.

(NOTE: All domestic cats are NOT at risk and should be encouraged to play with any and all toys that fall into the categories above.)

For your safety and for the safety of everyone else in the world, please IMMEDIATELY cease and desist all handling, ogling, and coexistence with all toys purchased between the dates of January 4, 1997 and August 14, 2007 (with the exception of pink My Little Ponies with serial numbers 19756473-2095748993884949878366285). All other colors of My Little Ponies should be blown to pieces immediately.

If you have concerns that you might be ill as a result of ALL toys in the universe, please call 911 right now and tell them you have Toy Poisoning. They might hang up on you the first time, but just continue to call back until they finally relent and come get you."


Thank you for listening.

Safety First.


THIS JUST IN: All extra-large Nerf footballs have now been recalled. They contain dangerous levels of asbestos and toxic lint.

Also, the pink My Little Ponies with serial numbers 19756473-2095748993884949878366285 are actually made of strawberries. It is okay for your children to eat these ponies.

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