SPAMers are people, too.
Apparently, sometimes there are actual people on the other end of those annoying SPAM emails. Yesterday I received another SPAM email. Once again I felt compelled to respond to it. This morning, the SPAMer emailed me back! I have done this many times. This is the first actual response I've received throughout my SPAM Annoyance Reponse Plan, or SPAMARP. It was good for a laugh to start my day!

Following is the original email, which was strangely exactly like several others I'd received this week. Following that is my response. And following that is the SPAMers response to my response.

SPAM: (exactly as I received it, spelling, grammar, et all)

Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 18:52:37 +0200
Subject: CALL_FOR_HELP_DAVIS_AND_FAMILY
From: "davis_kamara"

FROM DAVIS KAMARA
ABIDJAN, COTE D' IVOIRE.
WEST AFRICA.
BUSINESS RELATIONSHIPDEAR

Dear Director,

MY NAME IS DAVIS KAMARA NATIONALITY SIERRA LEONE.I AM 25 YEARS OLD, STUDIED MARKETING IN BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION IN THE UNIVERSITY. I LOST MY FATHER YEARS BACK. HE DIED DRURING THE POLITICAL CRISIS IN MY COUNTRY.

MY LATE FATHER WAS ONE OF THE DIRECTORS UNDER TIJAN KABBAH GOVERNMENT. MY MOTHER IS AGED SHE IS 62 YEARS NOW AN OLD WOMAN. I HAVE TWO YOUNGER ONES WEARE ALL LEAVING IN COTE D'IVOIRE SINCE PAST SIX MONTH. PLEAE WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE WHY BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE ANY ASSESE ON THE MONEY BECAUSE MY LATE FATHER DEPOSITED THIS MONEY IN ESCROW AACCOUNT FOR ONWORD TRANSFER AND INVESTMENT THIS IS WHY WE ARE IN NEED OF YOUR ASSISTANCE.

WE ARE GIVING YOU 15% OUT OF THE TOTAL FUND AFTTER ALL YOUR EXPENCSE YOU MADE DURING THE TRANSACTION INCLUDING YOU PHONE CALL AND YOUR INCONVINESIS PLEASE BEAR WITH US AND UNDERSTAND AND CONCIDER OUR BAD SUTIETION HERE.

IT IS MY DESIRE TO WRITE FROM MY HEART HOPING THAT YOU WILL NOT BETRAY US. MY FATHER DIVERTED SOME HUGE SOMEOF MONEY WHICH HE DEPOSITED WITH ONE GOOD BANK WHEN HE WAS ALIFE, IN FACT IN A BRIFEI INTRODUTION.

ALL THE INFORMATION WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU. THIS MONEY TOTALING US$18,000,000.00 ( EIGHTEEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR )NOW WE ARE SEEKING FOR A TRUSTED PERSON WHO WILL RECEIVE THIS MONEY INTO HIS/HER ACCOUNT FOR ONWARDI NVESTMENT.

HOWEVER, WHAT WE NEEDED FROM YOU IS YOUR GOOD ASSISTANCE IN HELPING US TRANSFERRING THE SAID SUM TO YOUR ACCOUNT SINCE WE ARE INEXPERENCED IN THE WORLD OF BUSINESS, THAT'S THE REASON WHY WE ARE ASKING FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

ALL DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THE DEPOSIT MAY BEGIVEN TO YOU FOR YOUR VERIFICATION. WE REALLY NEED TO MOVE THE FUND OUT OF AFRICA TO ABROAD.

I AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY HAVE DECIEDED TO GIVE YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE. THE WORLD IS FULL OF BAD PEOPLE PLEASE CAN YOU PROVE YOUR GUNUITY TO US FOR US TO HAVE YOU AS A PARTNER.

SORRY I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE BAD PERSON BUT CONSIDER THAT THIS IS MONEY AND HOW THE MONEY WAS GOTTEN.

IT ISINHERITACE AND LAST HOPE. SHOW YOUR INTEREST AND WE PROCEED ON THE NEXT STEP OF ACTION.

AFRICA IS NO LONGER CONDUSIVE FOR US TO STAY.

Thanks and God Bless

OUR BEST REGARDS.

DAVIS KAMARA ON BEHALF OF THE FAMILY

My response: (hee hee heee . . . )

Dear Davis-
I must ask, why do people live in Abidjan? You are the third request I've gotten in the past week to help with such money issues, from desperate people in Abidjan. Why do people continue to live in a country where their millions of dollars are caught up in these random inaccessible accounts? And how come you all are so rich, but unable to spend your own money? Can't you guys just stuff your cash in your mattress or something? Learn from each other. Letting other people handle your money = bad. Shoot, if I had 18 million bucks to my name, you can bet I wouldn't let Joe Smarmy Bank Man hold it for me so that I couldn't get to it.

While this sounds like a seriously sad and desperate situation you've got yourself in, and while I will gladly accept 15% of this mysterious money, I'm afraid the only thing I can do for you is pray. Being inexperienced in the world of business has obviously landed you in some trouble. How will you learn from your mistakes if I just go and give you my account number and bail you out? No, Davis. This you must resolve on your own.

I can, however, offer you a place to stay once you reach 'abroad', for you and your family. I work for a homeless shelter, and should you arrive here without a home, you are welcome to grab a cot here anytime. For free. You can keep all of your vast wealth to yourself and we will still be happy to house you.

Davis, thank you for writing from your heart. But I encourage you to be smarter in business than you've shown here. And also be wary of anyone sending you their account number to get the ball rolling here. It could be a fake, monitored by the FBI, CIA, NSA, NRA, PTA, or the Girl Scouts, landing you in a heap of trouble for soliciting blindly over email. I truly believe your heart is in the right place. I can hear it in the tone of your very sincere, albeit hard to read, email. Be wary, my friend. And take good care of your old woman mother.

Sincerely,
Director

PS: I noticed you didn't mention a wife? Are you young, hot, sexy, and single? If so, we can maybe reconsider this whole deal, Love Muffin. Can I call you that???

I figured that would do the trick. But maybe it was the Love Muffin thing, because he came back with another email, poor silly fool: (strangely, his spelling and grammar got a bit better)

Date: Fri, 27 Jun 2003 11:27:04 +0200
Subject: CALL_ME_FOR_BETTER_EXPLANATIONS
From: "davis_kamara"

DEAR TYRANT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR MAIL AND YOUR PROMISE TO HELP US ACHEIVE THIS GREAT SUCCESS.

PLEASE I WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVE IN THIS TRANSACTION AND I WILL SEND YOU THE LODGEMENT RECEIPTS OF THIS MONEY FOR YOU TO BELEIVE THE TRUTH IN ME AND GIVE US THE NEEDED REQUIRED ACTIVE ASSISTANCE FOR THE BENEFIT OF TRUTH AND TRUST.

RECONFIRM YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBER AND ALSO YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS WERE THIS MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRD TO SUBMIT AS THE FOREIGN BENEFICIARY ACCOUNT AS MY HUMBLE LATE FATHER PARTNER.

BEFORE WE PROCEED I WANT YOU TO CALL ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL FOR BETTER VERBAL EXPLANATIONS AND ALSO FOR FAMILARITY SAKE BECAUSE THIS IS A GOLDEN HERITAGE FOR OUR MLUTUAL BENEFIT.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

AWAITING YOUR CALL ON - 0022507907843

THANKS AND GOD BLESS

DAVIS KAMARA

TEL--22507907843


So weird. I hope he is not waiting by the phone.

C.T.