Seriously Rainwoman
Without being technically autistic, I don't think you will find anyone closer to 'Rainman' than me. Call me Rainwoman.

I have known this about myself for a long time. I adapt to it. It's part of what makes me quirky, and that's okay. It took me a long time to accept it, because I'd prefer to be more laidback and flexible. I'm often frustrated that I can't just do what everyone else does with ease, and that it takes me so long to make a decisions and stick with it. But, I've found that since I've accepted how I am, it's easier to work with it and relax about it. Really, I'm much better now about surprises and changes than I have been in years past. Although I'm still not so good at the making of big decisions.

What this 'quirk' means for me is that I don't do well with big changes, or with quick decisions, or major responsibility up front. I have to take things one at time, often slowly, until I get used to it. Especially when I already have a lot going on, I have to be careful what I add to that. Can't overdo it. My brain is constantly churning away. I over-think, re-think, and think again about everything I do or say. I'm always wondering if I've done the right thing, or if I've made the right decision, because whichever path I take or the consequence resulting from whatever decision will take some serious adjustment time and effort on my part. I work best and am most comfortable with things I can expect. Or at least with some lead time to adjust.

Now, this doesn't necessarily apply to simple daily things. I don't freak out over deciding what to have for dinner, or what to wear, or hanging-out plans that come up without much notice. I can change course from time to time on the trivial things without much anxiety. I've dealt with enough major life-changing disasters and surprises to now be able to let most of the little things go, and handle them like it's no big deal. My life doesn't fall apart if I can't get home to watch a television show on time. I don't have to buy my underwear at KMart (thank goodness!). Things that are simple and do not leave a mark are things that I can handle with much ease. In fact, if you didn't really know me or experience some deeper things with me, you'd likely have no idea of my inner Rainwoman. You'd just think I'm a planner. I'm calm to the point of being almost dull. I'm not easily excited or jumpy or emotional. But when a major ripple comes along, it seriously messes up my world.

I hate to admit it, but I enjoy routine. I'm a habitual creature. I don't even try, but my day to day existence is pretty consistent. It comes naturally. I'm dependable in the sense that you can generally predict what I'm going to do and when I'm going to do it on an average day. I'm so set to a schedule that I'm hungry at the same times everday, throughout the day. I'm even late to places I need to be by the same amount of time almost every time. I get into habits that are comfortable for me, and that's the way my days end up. I even find it hard to change a habit that isn't working well for me, simply because the habit is what I'm used to. It's almost easier for me to keep with the difficult thing, rather than change whatever I'm doing to a better solution. You could set a clock by me, pretty much.

Towards the end of the day, when I come downstairs from my office and head to the restroom, you can bet it's right around 4:30pm, if not exactly 4:30, almost time to head home. I go to lunch everyday at 12:08, according to my computer clock. No reason. I think I just remembered one day that the clock said 12:08 the day before when I looked at it and headed to lunch, and I've been doing it that way ever since.

I can do things differently from time to time. My weekends are pretty schedule-free. But when I'm in my work-week world, my days generally go along as unitentionally planned. I have to think ahead to include changes, mentally prepare. So I try to make sure I do plan ahead, allowing for my quirk. You know, so I can go with the flow. Like normal people.

Then this puppy comes along. He was completely unexpected. And in a matter of 48 hours he has completely disheveled my life. I knew better than to take on a major life change without planning for it. That is precisely why I haven't gotten a dog, yet. I wasn't ready for it. I hadn't mentally prepared myself to accept the change and adjust for it. I had a plan, and the plan did not include having a dog right now. The dog comes along a bit later.

So, Rainwoman has been in freak-out mode for the past two days, due to this little bundle of fur. I have been an emotional nightmare, definitely over-reacting, and not entirely sure what my problem is. Other than the puppy came along before it fit into my plan. I've been freaked out about the decision I made to bring him home and be his care-taker, and I've been even more freaked out about my uncontrollable freak-out. As Rainwoman as I am, it's very unlike me to just completely fall apart. It's been a long time since I've had a major meltdown, and this time it was just about a puppy. I take precautions and I am very well-rehearsed in freaking out in a quiet, unobtrusive, almost pleasant way. And I try to keep my rare freak-outs to things that deserve an actual freak-out. Not a puppy.

The conclusion I've reached in this situation is that it's not the puppy. It's me. I could not have asked for a better little twerp to call my own. He is remarkably well-behaved for a young puppy. He came crate trained. He's quiet. He's sweet. He does chew on things, and he leaves 'presents' for me to discover in between our frequent trips outside. But even his 'presents' have been thoughtfully placed on newspaper or linoleum, for easy cleanup, for which I am grateful to him. He's a puppy. That stuff comes with the territory. He's fun to play with, and he's terribly, horribly, wonderfully cute beyond belief.

But even though he is a great dog, the past two days have shown me that I'm not ready for this much turbulence in my life, yet. And I don't want him to suffer on behalf of my Rainwoman-ness. I'm not sure if there is any one main thing that is disturbing me so severely. He takes up quite a bit of time, and I hadn't planned to have time for that quite yet. He is very needy, and requires my full attention when I'm home. He also has most of my attention when I'm not at home, wondering how he is doing while I'm at work and he is home alone. I feel a bit suffocated, knowing I am responsible for him, and that is seriously intrusive on my 'single' lifestyle. I have to take him outside often, feed him, play with him, train him, and if I were to leave town or fill up my entire weekend with many activities (which I do fairly often), he has to be taken care of. I can't just go off and do what I want, without taking care of him. These are things I'm not used to thinking about. I only ever have to think about me.

I do know the thought of this little guy being completely dependent on me completely scares me to pieces. It's tough for me to feel like I am worthy to be depended on. I feel like I've let a lot of people down in my lifetime, and I certainly am not up for letting down a wee little puppy.

I am extremely grateful he is not a child. What a horrible mother I would be right now!

So, the puppy will go back to my aunt this weekend, where he is missed and will be taken care of. As horrible as I feel about the whole thing, about making a hasty decision, about taking on more responsibility than I knew I was ready for, about uprooting this poor little puppy and then returning him in a few days, I have learned a major lesson. I have learned where I am and what I can do. I need to stick to my plan. I know myself pretty well, and I've made a lot of progress over the past few years. My life over the past several months has gotten busier, fuller, and more fulfilling than it has been in a long time. I'm looking forward to things. I'm excited to be involved in the things I do. I'm interested in knowing people and creating a fun and meaningful life for myself. I'm getting past many of my fears and anxieties about being in this world and with people. I just need a little more time.

And when it is time, my plan includes a dog. I will look forward to being set up, fully mentally prepared, able to devote as much time and attention as necessary, and ready to adjust to a life change. The time for that will be down the road. WAY down the road.

And that's okay.

C.T.