Valentine's Day
So, it's occured to me that it's Valentine's Day. I mean, I knew that, but since I never usually have cause to celebrate, it's just another day to me.

I'm a single gal in a couples' world. It seems most of my friends are hooked up these days, and singleland is an increasingly decreasing pool of people. Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for all of my coupled friends. They are happy, and their happiness means much to me. Still, it would be nice to be hooked up myself. At least so I could see them every once in awhile. Do you notice that couples hang out with couples, and singles only get to 'tag along' sometimes? No, that's not awkward for us singles at all . . .

Again, don't get me wrong. I love being with my coupled friends. They are very special people to me, friends and their husbands and wives alike. I just sometimes don't enjoy being in the middle of coupledom when it comes to spending time with them.

But, don't feel sorry for me. I try not to feel sorry for myself. It's not like I'm a loser. I'm pretty darn good-looking, young, active, interesting, good hair, tall, thin, athletic, charming, witty, sensitive, and I smell pretty good, if I do say so myself. I am a catch, most definitely. My situation is that I'm just not with anyone. And that's okay. For now.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever happen. Especially lately seeing so many of my friends find their mates for life. I've thought a lot lately about falling in love, I think finally at a point where that sounds really good to me. It's been a journey to get there, and even though I don't have a special someone for this particular Valentine's Day, I'm finding a lot of joy just in feeling like I want that to happen someday. The past few years, the thought of love has been overwhelming, to say the least.

To give you some brief history about me, my sister was killed in a car accident about 3 1/2 years ago. I was dating a guy at that time, and he turned into a total needy freak when my sister died. I couldn't stand to be around him anymore because he couldn't get over himself to be there for me when I really needed him. I was appalled that he could take the most devastating event in my life and turn it into a situation where I need to take care of his needs. He felt neglected, and he was. I'll give him that. But I was focused on, oh I don't know, planning a funeral for my younger, and only sibling. Needless to say, I broke up with him. And since then I've had a really hard time feeling like it would be safe to let someone into my world now.

My world totally changed when my sister died. This guy I was dating didn't know what to do with that. I was always the strong one before, and I think even just showing him my tears freaked him out. My tears definitely freaked me out. It's been tough to trust that I can be vulnerable with a boy and not have to take care him through it. Over the past years since she died I've had to re-learn how to be me, having gone through a life-destroying experience. I've had to learn how to be vulnerable and work through all the feelings, emotions, struggles of dealing with loss. I'm finally starting to get to a place where I'm comfortable with me again, and ready to let someone else in to who I am.

So, while this Valentine's Day will find me home alone tonight, I'm okay with that. It's a tremendously good feeling to me to just feel secure in knowing my heart is getting closer to the day when I will fall in love and be 'hooked up'. Plus, I'll be spending time with my parents and Mamaw this weekend, and if Valentine's Day is truly about being with people you love, I am blessed to have the opportunity to be with these loved ones at this time.

I hope Valentine's Day is a secure day for each of you, with or without someone special in your life.

Or, go toilet paper the houses of your friends who are out on Valentine's dates tonight.

If the laughter ever stops, you're clearly not paying close enough attention to the bad fashion begging to be laughed at around you.
The Cynical Tyrant