Grammy and Me
Aah, how I do so love award shows. These shows are reality TV at it's finest. Forget 'Survivor'. The Grammy's never disappoint when it comes to fuel for making fun of the stars, seeing them in their natural element of bad fashion, and flamboyantly ridiculous and mostly bad performances. It's a fun-filled evening of entertainment, drama, and many, many opportunities to poke funs at the ones who are supposed to be the best and brightest of the entertainment world. Here is my recap, after the 45th Annual Grammy Awards last night:

You'll note it was the first time the show was done without a host. I'll go ahead and admit that was my fault. I was scheduled to host, but I TOTALLY forgot about it til I was in the middle of church last night. They couldn't hold the show for me to get there, since they'd started the 'awards given earlier in the evening to the people who don't deserve to be seen, applauded, or appreciated on national TV', and the cranky music celebrities were getting ancy sitting still for that long. So they went on without me. Next time I will totally write that down so I don't forget.

I also auditioned for the role of 'girls hanging from the ceiling twisted in a large piece of rope' for the No Doubt performance. But it turns out to get up on the ropes you actually had to climb up the rope, and I failed that in 2nd grade P.E. class. I mastered the getting tangled and flailing about part, so I would have fit right in with the girls in the show. But I could never get up that darn rope! So they had to perform without me. I did loan the drummer my bra. But it turns out he's several cup sizes larger than I am, so he had to borrow someone else's. Oh well. I tried to help.

Is it just me or does John Mayer perform a lot like Dave Matthews, without the band to back him up? He's kinda got a similar guitar strum, one dancing leg thing going for him, as well as the singing completely unintelligibly thing, too. I've not heard much of his music, but I finally figured out he was singing 'Your Body is a Wonderland' thanks to the caption feature on my TV. He sounds okay, but he may also be the guy who plays Abby's brother Eric on ER. I guess starring in 'That Thing You Do' kicked off his music career and earned him a Grammy.

So are we all in love with Norah Jones? I don't have that cd. But I'm completely hating myself about it now. She gave a great performance, with actual singing and hitting the right notes. I love it when new people win so many awards and they are truly thankful and just not sure what to say. She seemed grateful, and that's nice to see. So is her cd any good? I should get it.

Does anyone else notice that Vanessa Carlton and Michelle Branch are the same person? Apparently in an attempt to win as many Grammys as Norah Jones won all on her own, Vanessa Branch has masqueraded this entire year as two people, putting out two cds, and never ever performing at the same events, getting photographed together, or being seen at the same place at the same time. Yes, they were both at the Grammy's last night, but never together. Strange, don't you think? Unfortunately, the two of them were no match for Norah. Hopefully one of either Vanessa or Michelle will survive to aftermath of a failed ploy to deceive the world. I've figured you out, Michelle Carlton. But your tunes are kinda catchy, so it'll be tough to decide which personality gets to stay.

I love Avril Lavigne. I'm too old to love her, but I do. She gets out there and has fun, whether she sounded great or not. And I do own that cd, I'm proud to say. She rocks. I was sad to see her not win more awards. Did she win any? I was too busy singing along to 'Sk8tr Boy' to notice.

Why is Dustin Hoffman speaking at the Grammy's? Did I miss his new cd? Clearly he's a huge music monger, knowing all the words to No Doubt's 'Say, Baby, Say', and giving a great commentary on Bruce Springstreet.

Don't hate me, but I've never been a Bruce Springstreet fan. I realize he's a legend and the entire world is his fan. But I'm not. And I really don't enjoy seeing him perform. Clenched jaw, strumming his poor guitar like he's mad at it. He always look angry, or like he's had a stroke on the right side of his face and he can't move it, or like he's really got to go to the bathroom. He makes me uncomfortable. But if that's what makes a star, he rocks.

I always dig the Dixie Chicks. 'Home' is a great cd. I hate country music, but I'm a Chicks fan. But what's with their clothes these days? They had this phase where they looked great all the time. Now they scare me. I loved 'Landslide' last night, but Natalie's attempt to bring back the banana clip has failed already, so why does she keep slinging her hair up like that? Is it a banana clip, or a Hairdini? I can't tell, what with the ratted nest of hair all over the place. Good song, good Chicks, bad hair.

If I'm ever known to be half as cool as Sheryl Crow, consider me happy. She's just cool, rockin' it last night with the bass guitar, although she seemed a little afraid of either the mic, or standing next to Kid Rock. Her voice came through a wee bit timid. And, her outfit confused me. She's out there rockin' with Kid Rock, and it was a total leather pants, tight tank top, wild, loose hair song. Instead she looked like an extra from all the Austin Powers movies, with the short skirt, tall boots, and 60's hairdo. She couldn't even move, her outfit was so confining. And her guitar strap apparently had 'No War' printed on it, but her hair was covering the 'No' part. So it said 'War'. She should have written her message on her thighs, which were bare and remaining still enough for the world to read quite clearly. Instead, America is now pro-war because Sheryl Crow said so.

Nelly. Not a fan, am I. Not that his poignant take on global warming isn't impressive, with lines such as 'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.' I mean, yes this is obviously the best solution to cooling the earth's atmosphere, but we've heard it enough. Does he have other songs? Oh yeah, his ballad duet with Kelly Rowland. It mixed SO well with his other song. Truly a beautiful Grammy moment. Did the naked dancing girls trapped in the floor come with the floor, or did Grammy have to special order that? Did anyone else notice how tasteless his pyrotechnic, flaming stage was after the nightclub fire a few nights ago?

I love the BeeGees, so there is no fun to poke at the tribute to Maurice Gibb. I wasn't too annoyed by N'Sync, as I usually am. I'll miss the BeeGees.

I was disappointed in Eminem. I really wanted him to get up there and cuss out the Grammy academy for not winning more awards. Or do something outrageously stupid and offensive. This kinder, gentler Eminem is unsettling.

Was that Aretha Franklin, or a MUCH larger, darker Queen Amidala draped in glittery bubble wrap, garnished with saran wrap? Reminiscent of Kathy Bates greeting her husband at the door dressed only in saran wrap in 'Fried Green Tomatoes'. Whatever it was, eeeyeew.

Great to see Simon and Garfunkel back together again. Did they realize they were back together again? They seemed unaware they were 6 inches apart. At least Garfunkel's funky hair didn't disappoint. A wee bit of bedhead in the back of the head, going on there.

Why is Dave Grohl the only Foo who gets to do anything? He presents awards, he plays, he speaks when the Foos receive awards. Poor other Foos.

How stoned was Erykah Badu? Her hair seemed angry that it had been wrapped up in all the garb for so many years, what with the 'more ratted than a troll doll after a run-in with static electricity on a planet that hasn't invented the comb, yet' look. I almost didn't recognize her outside of her tribal garb, but it was nice to see that she didn't take the time to shave her armpits, and that all of her tattoos were in order. Clearly getting groomed and ready for the show isn't what kept her from coming to rehearsal. I hope she didn't smell as bad as she looked. I think I saw her later playing drums for The Roots?

Faith Hill, or 'let me belt out another movie hit.' I don't dislike her. But I almost couldn't see her for half of her song, what with her platimun blonde 'do, and white and silver sequin-y thing (again with the mini-skirt- why won't it die???) reflecting the blinding giant spotlight behind her. She blended right into the lighting, which is definitely something tough to pull off. Props for that. It also explains her mega-tan. I'd be that tan if I stood in front of a light that bright for a few seconds, too. Tan, or nuked to a crisp.

I liked the New York Philharmonic part of the Coldplay performance, better than Coldplay. I know Coldplay is supposed to be this amazing new band and all, and again, I don't dislike them. But again, couldn't understand a word he sang. Aren't songs with words supposed to tell a message? Are we getting that message if the whole song is one long syllable over a bunch of whiney notes? And, I took many years of piano lessons. Had I played as enthusiastically as he played last night, I'd have 10 broken fingers, and a concussion from slamming my head into the top of the piano while head-banging. How did he survive that song? Hopefully he's not in a coma. I give him props for a passionate performance.

I was hoping Fred Durst's ad-libbed sentence, then long pause, would lead to more pleas about his love affair with Britney Spears. Why stop with his website and news articles? You've got a much bigger audience on national television during one of the biggest shows of the year. I'm sure if he'd gone on just a little bit more about how he and Britney really ARE in love, the world would believe him.

Did Alicia Keys notice someone cut off the bottom half of her shirt? I assume that was Alicia underneath that hat covering her face with a dark shadow. Yo.

Oscar Nominee Queen Latifah ( I never thought those words would go together accurately in a sentence) showed off her bust assets with that lovely bodice fitting pink leather top. You could have fit about 10 of me in there. And been disappointed at how I filled it out.

I was waiting to hear the Charlotte Church-Mystikal-Blue Man Group medley tribute to bad medleys performed by groups that should never appear on stage together.

Apparently Yo Yo Ma has to carry his cello in when he comes down the red carpet. So that people know he is Yo Yo Ma. Would you recognize him without his cello? Me neither.

Well, that about sums it up for this year. If I left anything out, I'll add it later. Thank you, Grammy's, for another great show!

The Cynical Tyrant