The Real Reason the Bachelor broke up with Helene
I have the real story, the inside scoop. You'll see an interview tonight about why Aaron and Helene called it quits. But the truth is, Aaron is in love with me. I came between them.

I met Aaron a few weeks ago on a plane leaving from LA. I spotted him at LAX while I was waiting for my plane. I was immediately drawn to him. He was sitting quietly waiting for the same plane I was about to board, reading a magazine and drinking a lemonade. I'd first spotted him walking by on his way to purchase his magazine. I'd chosen a seat in the waiting area with a great view of the terminal, so I could people watch (a favorite pasttime). I happened to be sitting next to a local Dallas news reporter, but when I spotted Aaron, she immediately became not worth my time to stalk. I mean, talk to.

Having spotted and identified Aaron, I called a friend for advice. She suggested I go hit on him. Clearly, that was the only thing I could do. So, I popped into the bathroom for a quick makeup check and to practice saying "I love you", in the mirror. Once I had that down, I re-emerged from the restroom.

I was shocked at what I saw next. Apparently the University of Alabama ladies basketball team was on my flight as well, and they had spotted Aaron quietly sitting by himself. He was clearly waiting for me to introduce myself, yet they had swarmed him and formed a red warm-up suited coccoon around him. I could barely see him! At first I thought I should rescue him. Could he even breathe in there?? Should we call 911?? Then I realized what was really happening. I had prepared for this moment throughout the fall season of The Bachelor episodes. I'd trained relentlessly for weeks of Wednesday nights on the couch, glued to the romance reality insanity on my screen. Ladies and gentleman, THIS was my very own episode of The Bachelor! Not in prime time, but the scenario was the same. I was now in competition with 20 young college girls, fighting for the attention of one very handsome Bachelor. And I only had a few hours to get him to choose me.

I had to quickly re-assess my approach. I'm not in college anymore, but really I'm not that much older than these basketball girls. True, they were taller, stronger, and fortunately many of them scarier than I am. But when it comes down to the important things in life, I was having a great hair day, I was wearing a cute tight shirt and some fabulous, yet casual jeans, and being a bit older, wiser, more mature, and having a job surely put me in a higher category than the rest of the mob. While these girls were falling all over themselves to get pictures and autographs, Aaron was surely noticing me standing aloof, yet very cutely, against the wall in his line of sight. I showed him that I noticed the hub-bub, yet I wasn't concerned enough to trample other people for a trophy signature on a dirty napkin. I was playing hard to get.

As the girls began to disperse, another interception impeded my advances. Some guy came over to talk to Aaron! What is this?? Guys can't compete in this game!! He wanted Aaron to call his girlfriend on his cellphone. Of all the un-original things! I quickly put my phone away, and continued my pose along the wall. I could overhear his conversation with the lame-o guy. He was in LA doing some interviews, and was now on his way home. He mentioned that his relationship with Helene had been rocky, but he didn't elaborate. I continued to wait, alternating stares out the window with short glances in his direction, trying to catch his eye. I didn't want to seem too disappointed that this idiot wanted to impress his girlfriend, and was therefore blocking my pending introduction to Aaron. Yet I did want Aaron to see that I was still interested in him, undeterred in my quest. I continued to wait for the dorko to lose interest and go away. I had all the time in the world to wait for Aaron.

Until that moment. Time suddenly became an issue as they began calling passengers to board the plane. What do I do?? I can't miss my chance to let him know that he is in love with me!! I had no choice at that point but to move towards the door of the plane. My seat was in the first group called, seeing as I was lucky enough to have a fine seat in the rear of the plane. I knew Aaron would be in first class, and that I may never see him again. I tried not to let him see my tears as I passed by.

But wait! There he was behind me!! What's this?? Is he stalking me now?? Of course! It all makes sense!! I didn't want him to know that I knew he was stalking me, so I quietly handed my ticket to the gate attendant and made my way onto the plane. Aaron followed right behind me. He followed right through first-class, all the way through business-class, and into coach, where my seat awaited. In fact, I found my seat and as I turned around to get situated, he smiled and walked right past me. Apparently his seat was even further toward the butt of the plane than my seat. What luck! Obviously we were meant to be together, because I could easily turn around to see him in his seat across the aisle, therefore keeping a close eye on him. And he could constantly gaze lovingly at the back of my head, wondering who this mysterious and beautiful woman of his dreams might be. This was good.

I realized that I only had about 3 hours to plan my next move. Essentially this was the ideal dating environment because the plane provided a closed, escape-proof situation. I just had to use my time wisely to win his love. I didn't want to seem too forward, but I could tell he was interested. That smile he gave me as he passed by said more than a thousand words to me, most of them "I love you." I could tell he probably practiced in the mirror like I did. Let the stalking begin!

For the first hour or so, I calmly read my book while listening to my mp3 player. By 'read' I mean, stared at the same page. By 'listening to my mp3 player' I mean, wore my headphones so the guy sitting next to me would leave me alone. I didn't want Aaron to think I was 'with' that guy. I periodically glanced behind me, to check on Aaron. He quietly read his magazine, then he slept for awhile. I tried to think of ways to 'accidentally' find myself sitting next to him, having a conversation with him. Killing the guy sitting next to him wasn't an option. His body would be too big to fit in the overhead bin, thus freeing up the seat. I could tie and gag one of the flight attendants, then steal her uniform, but none of them were my size. And I didn't want to be stuck serving those little packets of peanuts to everyone on the plane. I was quickly running out of ideas, and we were getting closer to our destination by the minute.

Suddenly, the opportunity presented itself! Aaron got up to use the restroom. Why didn't I think of that!! He walked to the bathrooms in the section in front of our seats, and I made a note of which bathroom he chose. This was my chance! I didn't want to seem too eager to follow him to the bathrooms, so I waited a minute. I slowly removed my earphones, secured my book, and unfastened my seatbelt. I thought my timing was perfect, but sadly I misjudged by just a few seconds. As I began walking up the aisle (unfortunately the wrong kind of aisle and not with Aaron on my arm, yet!), Aaron emerged from the bathroom and headed down the other aisle to his seat. He clearly didn't see me or I'm sure he would have come down my aisle to talk to me. At that point I had committed myself to a bathroom break, having gone too far up the aisle to turn back without looking stupid. I was passing through the section of Lady Alabamians, and I couldn't risk looking like a dork in front of the competition. So I continued towards the bathrooms and Aaron was once again swarmed by the basketball mob-ettes. Clearly they were not focused on the game at hand because none of them had come up with the brilliant idea of stalking Aaron to the restroom. I was way ahead!!

Even though I did not bump into Aaron near the bathroom as I had intended, my trip to the restroom was not entirely in vain. I did manage to be the next one in the very same bathroom which Aaron had just occupied. How lucky was I?!?! Once inside the bathroom, I wasn't quite sure what to do. Aaron had just been in here! I did what I needed to do since I did actually need to use the facilities, and then paused. I decided the best thing to do would be to not scour for evidence that he'd been in there, but just to take a moment and appreciate where I was. Then get out of the bathroom before people started to wonder what I was doing in there. I savored the moment, then exited the bathroom as though it meant nothing to me.

I headed slowly back to my seat, noticing Aaron was still trapped by the basketball leeches. He was being quite the gentleman, chatting and having his picture taken repeatedly. As I made my way back to my seat, I overheard the girls plan to take more pictures with Aaron after getting off of the plane. I realized this was my opportunity to let Aaron profess his love to me. I began to prepare for arrival.

I got my camera out, ready for easy access in case Aaron needed a picture to remember me. I sat calmly and quietly, thinking through what I would say, and how I would react when he presented me with a rose. I was so excited! He was still patiently fending off the Alabama college crew, but I could tell he'd rather be talking to me. It was only a matter of time.

The plane landed and we began to dismount the plane. I nonchalantly kept an eye on Aaron and the pack of females. Once out in the terminal, the pack circled him again. I realized I would have to become a part of their clan if I wanted to get anywhere near him before he left. I walked over to one of the tall ones, held out my camera, and asked her if she would take my picture with Aaron. She said yes, but she wasn't excited about it. And she was very confused since I'm sure she couldn't remember me being on their team. I was WAY too cute to be from Alabama.

I turned toward the mob closing in on Aaron, and realized that this was actually a situation in my favor. He would see that I am not like the other girls, as I would stand out in my ultra-hip street clothes. He would notice that I was not clawing at him as though I wanted to devour him, but I was instead waiting patiently for the other girls to get bored with him, so he would be free to marry me on the spot.

I eventually made my way over to him and politely asked if he would mind taking one last picture with me before he headed off to catch his connecting flight. He flashed a big, fabulous smile at me and he said he wouldn't mind at all. He put his arm around me, and I around him, noting the super soft texture of his suede jacket. I was hugging The Bachelor!! It felt completely right.

The girl with my camera emerged from the pack and clicked a picture of us, immortalizing us forever in that moment. Aaron turned to leave, but I think before he left I felt one last squeeze of his arm around me. We were both caught up in the moment, the excitement, the chemistry. He said goodbye, the girls squeeled at him as they watched him disappear down the hall, and I reveled in the moment, knowing he and I had truly connected. Then I remembered I needed to retrieve my camera from the tall one.

As I left Aaron, I knew I had accomplished my mission. It came out in the news a few days later that he and Helene had broken up. They didn't say it in words, but I heard the message loud and clear. The Bachelor had chosen me over Helene, even through our brief chance encounter. I know it's hard to believe that love could blossom in such extreme circumstances amidst a flurry of women. Truthfully I'm still waiting for my rose to arrive via Fed Ex. But I know in my heart it'll be here any moment now. I have the picture to prove it.

Love can find you in the most unexpected places. Sometimes you may not realize you're in love, til someone stalks you enough to let you know.
The Cynical Tyrant