SPAM - evil spawn of the internet
And by 'spam', I mean those unwanted, non-requested emails we all get, filling up our email Inboxes everyday.

I used to be really annoyed by spam. And by 'annoyed', I mean downright angry. I have a free email account as my primary account, and when it gets filled with the spam, I can't get emails from people I actually want to hear from. Yes, I do the blocking and the filters. We all know that only provides minimal assistance against the onslaught of mass emails sent all day, everyday.

Then I stumbled across the idea to respond to the spam emails. Yes, every online advice giver will say never to respond to spam, and never click the 'unsubscribe' link, because that only indicates to the spammers that they did actually reach your Inbox with their email. But I figured since these spammers feel okay about sending unwanted email to me, why not have a little fun with it and give them some unwanted responses? And by 'responses', I mean LONG, DETAILED, RIDICULOUS stories and whatnot. Basically the same things they send us, right?

You should try it. I've actually gotten less spam emails in one email account since I've been responding. Maybe they've actually gotten annoyed with me. I got the idea from a website by a guy who started doing this a long time ago. He posts the initial spam emails along with his responses on a website. Some of them are really funny, and the whole idea is hysterical. But I hesitate to link to it because some of them get really inappropriate and the Cynical Tyrant doesn't necessarily support some of the directions he takes with his responses. I give him credit for my inspiration, but that's as far as I'll go. It's up to you to find his site. Think 'spam' and 'letters', and hopefully you'll Google your way to his world.

So that you can see what I mean, I'll post one of my finer examples below. Really, if you have the time, try this. It's a very fulfilling passive protest against spam. It's long to include both emails (the spam and my response), so to sum up the initial spam email, it was a pyramid thing sent by someone with Rainmaker as part of his email address. The email scam involved printing 'reports' and putting your name on a list so people will order the 'reports' from you, sending cash, and thus you make tons of money. Here's my response:

Hello Rainmaker-
What an interesting name. Were your parents hippies,
or are you just prone to creating rain?

Well, as many times as you implored me to read to the
end of the email, I am happy to report that I did! It
took awhile, since this may be the longest email I've
ever received. But, I stuck with it and finally trudge
my way through to the finish. I will admit I did take
a break or two. One was a potty break, and one to do
some research about the national television show you
say did a story on this 'business' deal. While I found
no record of such a show, I actually did find a news
website stating specifically that any email saying
they ran a story supporting this 'business'
opportunity is absolutely false. But still, I forged
ahead and read to the end of your proposal.

Still, I say 'bull'. You asked me not to, and I don't
necessarily say it in response to your proposal. I
just like to say 'bull'. I wasn't allowed to say that
word as a kid, as I was raised in an Amish home just
outside of Los Angeles. It's a lesser known Amish
community, hidden away in the outskirts of Beverly
Hills. We could only say 'bull' in reference to our
large family bull, which we kept in a pen next to the
outhouse. But even then, we usually referred to it as
'man-cow'. My mother felt that was much more
appropriate.

Anyway, do I get a prize for reading your entire
email? You cheered me on to completing the monstrous
task, and I would hope to receive something in return
for even opening, let alone making it through your
monstrous, yet ridiculous, proposal.

Alas, I'm afraid it was a waste of my time, as well as
yours. I read what you no doubt labored over
intensively, writing and writing and writing, so much
man-cow excrement! As I could care less about your
time, the real issue here is that you've grieved me
greatly by taking time from me that I can no longer
get back. Do you realize how precious time is? I could
have written a letter to my sick grandma, or listened
to a favorite song, or written my first novel, or
stared at the wall doing absolutely nothing. All of
which are better uses of my time than reading your
SPAM.

But having said that, would you happen to have phone
numbers or mailing addresses for your testimonials
below? I mean, as skeptical as I am, I am always open
to ways to make more money. I would like to check up
on your sources to make sure I'd be investing in a
worthwhile opportunity. Being Amish, I don't have
much. While greed and things of the world are frowned
upon, what my folks don't know won't hurt them, right?
In fact, I stole this computer from the last traveling
salesman who came to our door. He was selling vacuum
cleaners. As if he didn't know how quickly those
contraptions get clogged up on our dirt floors!!
Anyway, his unsolicited sale attempt cost him his
computer, and he now lives in the pen with the
man-cow. He's proven to be good, cheap labor when it's
fence mending season in the briar patch.

Anyway, if you can provide me with more information
and some clearer instructions, we may be in business.
The one problem is that I can only be online for 3.5
minutes a day when I can sneak over to the feed shop,
where they have the only phone line within 20 miles. I
break in at night, and can usually check my email
within the 3.5 minutes it takes the old man who lives
in the feed store to stumble down the stairs to see
what's going on. I haven't been caught yet, but last
night I had to hide in a barrel full of chicken feed.
I had to eat my way out. It wasn't good.

Thanks for contacting me! I hope this works out!

Amish Annie

I hope you enjoyed my take on spam. See what fun can be had at another's expense?? Don't worry. Spammers don't have feelings. They are inhuman. And remember, annoying.

If you point and laugh at other people, remember one thing. The rest of your fingers are pointing back at you. . . in a fist-type fashion. Which will come in handy when the person at whom you are pointing and laughing comes to hurt you.
The Cynical Tyrant