I May be a Hermit
I'm pretty sure I'm a hermit. Not like, 'crazy old lady living at the end of the street or in a cave with 108 cats who never comes out of her home but you hear weird sounds coming from her place from time to time' hermit. But that could be me someday. Except that I hate cats.

I live alone, and I'd almost be fine if I never was around people. Well, that's not entirely true. I do have friends and family and people I care about and look forward to seeing and talking to throughout the week. But I can go all day and not talk to anyone and it's almost like I don't notice. It doesn't occur to me to pick up the phone or seek people out. I sink into my own world and before I know it, the day has passed and I've not seen or talked to anyone. It doesn't bother me, until people inquire as to what I've done all day or who I've talked to lately, and I come up with nothing and no one. Then I seem a little strange to myself. I probably seem more strange to others. But I'm still okay with it.

I do have some weird hermit traits. Like, if my neighbors are outside their door or walking around outside, I wait til they leave before I come out. I don't want to have to talk to them. I hate awkward conversation, and awkward conversation always comes before knowing people well enough to get past awkward conversation. Maybe I just prefer an air of mystery about myself.

I hate the phone. Maybe it's a phobia. I mean, I'll talk on the phone sometimes. Like to my mom, or friends sometimes, or to make plans, or to people at work when I have to. But you won't catch me on the phone all day, or calling lots of people, or really anyone for that matter. It's not that I don't want to talk to people, because I do. But when it comes down to picking up the phone to call someone, it's a big debate, with myself. Do I really need to use the phone, or can I get by without it? I usually talk myself out of it. I'll stare at the phone for awhile, hold it in my hand, and hopefully get brave enough to dial the number. But, often I chicken out.

I think my friends think I don't call because I don't want to talk to them, or I don't care, or I'm not interested. It's not that at all. It's the dang phone. Great invention, but it scares me.

When I'm home I don't even answer my phone. I don't have caller ID, and I hate talking to people I don't know when I don't know why they're calling me. I get nervous on the phone talking to people I do know, so people I don't know really don't have much of a chance with me on the phone. I usually let the machine get the phone. Most people who know me and have a reason to call me just call my cel phone anyway, and I'll answer that. But for the most part, the phone freaks me out. Anyone who's talked to me on the phone knows that it'll usually be an awkward conversation with me over the phone. Totally different than talking to me face to face. It's just not easy to have conversations when you can't see the person you're talking to. And I never know if I'm calling and interrupting something, or if I'm getting a machine because whoever I'm calling doesn't want to talk to me. Leaving messages is something I fear. I never know what to say, or how to sound when I say it. Really, it's a wonder I ever make contact with anyone.

Yesterday I came home and when I touched my answering machine to hear my messages, it freaked out and went blank. Then I freaked out, because I need the machine to answer the phone for me. So I scrapped my usual 'getting home from work' routine, in favor of figuring out what was wrong with the machine. I finally discovered it needed a new battery. But I pretty much couldn't function til the machine was back up and running, there to receive the few calls I get on that phone. Hermits are weird. What can I say.

It's not a dislike of people. I'm just used to being alone, and I'm comfortable with that. I'm used to doing things for myself, by myself. Mostly because that's the situation I'm in most of the time. So I've adapted to that. I also may be afraid of people, just slightly. Once I get to know people, I'm fine. I'm funny, I'm relaxed, I enjoy their company. I just get very particular about having ample time to myself, to be not around people. I get a little cranky when I've been around people too much for too long. So, that's where it's handy to be a hermit. I can disappear into my world and take time to be not around people, so that I can later be around people.

Anyway, I don't see it as a problem. One day when I fall in love and attempt to get married, then it may be a problem. Unless I marry another hermit. That might work well.

C.T.