Junk

I ate something different for lunch today for the first time in at least three months. I've been on a steady soup diet. But not, like, healthy soup. More like, hearty soup to feed a big appetite. Which I have. All the time.

And folks, it's time I admit that I just may have a bit of junk in my trunk.

For those of you who know me, it's nothing drastic and I am not being all "I'm really skinny and I've put on a pound and now it's time to diet because I'm hideous." It's noticeable only to me. Spring is here, which means swimsuit weather is upon us. And I am in NO kind of shape to be wearing a swimsuit. I haven't made an effort to work out or exercise in, like, 108 years. Super, super lazy.

So, today I ate a salad for lunch. I didn't plan on it. I planned on my usual hearty soup. But I recently watched the episode of Seinfeld when Elaine gets a big salad, and I had big salad in my head today. So today I ended up with a big salad. I was pretty excited. I loves me a good salad.

And then by lunch-thirty I was STARVING. So I ate my afternoon snack, which was fruit.

And by snack-thirty, I was STARVING. I don't do well with less food than I'm used to in any given day.

Anyway, today I also thought through an exercise and diet program that I can implement right away, until I get motivated to get on my bike and lift my weights (and actually exercise) again.

1. Flex everything, all of my muscles, all of the time. Even when walking around or sitting at my desk.
2. Make frequent trips to the bathroom or to other people's desks around the office, and walk briskly. All the time.
3. Pull weeds in the yard. I'm not sure what muscles this works, but I do know that it hurts a lot the next day.
4. Don't eat hearty soup (or so many of those tasty little powdery white donuts) everyday.
5. Pick up things a lot. Whether the things are heavy or not.
6. Get lots of sleep. So I'm rested up for all of this exercise program.

That should do it.

C.T.

Day 13?

14? 11? 27?

I don't know. I don't count so good.

I just know that it's been maybe a couple of weeks or so and....

1. Still no bugs. No, not one. (Ok, I hadn't seen any bugs since, like, October. But still... no bugs)

2. A bit of a tan has started to emerge.... from the tube from whence it came.

Genius.

It's barely spring and two of my spring-summer goals are already well underway.

Bugless and tan.

C.T.

PS: It's barely a tan. But I know it's there. That's what matters.

Now he's just being stupid

With the ponyhawk and forgetting the words on stage and the ridiculousness.

He knows he doesn't have to actually get up there and sing well to get the votes.

I'm not even typing his name this week. That's how much I want him gone.

C.T.

A Tale of Two Cancellations

I switched to DISH network a few months ago. And here's why.

Today I called DISH network to cancel my Showtime. I had it free for three months and the three months is over. I'm too cheap to pay for it. And it's not really that good anyway.

Calling to cancel Showtime took approximately three minutes. I did it over the phone without even having to talk to anyone. They know the extra channels you have when you call, and the phone prompts you through the actions. It even recalculates your current bill without the additional charge for the premium channel so you know your adjusted bill when you get off of the phone. I saved $13 in three minutes. Genius.

Less than five minutes. All of it. Including the channel being turned off. This could not have been easier or more pleasant for me. So far, I'm a big fan of DISH network.

Today I also called Time Warner to finally cancel my cable television. I have only basic cable. Without the basic cable, my internet goes up $10 per month because I'm no longer considered a Time Warner "customer". So with or without the $12 cable television, my total bill won't change that much.

But I decided to cancel now for two reasons:

1. The principle of it. I very much dislike Time Warner since they took over for Comcast last year.
2. I got a notice this week that the $12 cable will soon increase to $15. This is unacceptable. And lame.

I called Time Warner, was put on hold for about 5 minutes (already two minutes longer than my entire DISH call), then I finally talked to someone. I told him I wanted to cancel my basic cable. He asked why. (They always ask why... like it's any of their business).

I told him I switched to DISH. And this is literally what he said:

"Wow. Um.... wow. Satellite? Really??? I can't believe you switched to satellite. Wow."

He was like, seriously disappointed in me. And we only just met. But I had clearly wronged him in a serious way.

He then asked why I had made that decision. I told him it's because DISH has better service, I'm unhappy with Time Warner customer service, my internet is unreliable (even though I'm keeping that), and DISH has better channel packages with better pricing.

He then proceeded to ask me 108 questions about how many DISH boxes I got, how much I'm being charged, did I know I signed an 18 month contract with DISH, did I know they would charge me $15 extra because I have two boxes but that's a hidden fee they don't tell you about.....

I said yes. Just... yes.

Then I mentioned I've had DISH for several months and I hadn't seen any of those hidden fees he just mentioned.

He stumbled for a second before he went on with his "make the customer feel like an idiot for switching to DISH" script. I think he thought I had just switched over to DISH, like, two seconds ago, rather than a few months ago.

(At this point I was just messing with him because I was on my comfy couch in my pjs drinking my coffee, and I had just had a very pleasant customer service experience with DISH that all but confirmed the very reason why I was now on the phone with this Time Warner guy.)

Then he said, "Well, it's not like we could get you back anyway. You're commited to DISH for 18 months. I just hope you're happy. But I just wanted to make you aware of all the hidden fees because they aren't going to tell you."

Um, is that a selling point for Time Warner? You can't get me back anyway? Is that supposed to make me thankful to him personally for warning me of the hidden pitfalls of DISH, or suddenly realize that I'd made a big mistake and come running back to Time Warner??

He seemed to get over the disappointment in losing me as a customer (my $12 worth of customer-ness). And he said he would schedule my disconnect for next Saturday and would between 11-2 work.

To this I said, "What? You can't just turn it off now, from there?"

TWC Guy: "No, we have to come out and put a block on it to make sure you can't get any channels."

Me the Happy DISH Customer: "Do I have to be here for that?"

TWC: "Yes."

Me: "You mean someone has to come IN my house and turn off the cable?"

TWC: "Well, no. We can do it from outside. But we can't guarantee that we won't also turn off the internet by accident. We need to be able to check your internet from inside after we disconnect your cable tv. If you're not there and something is wrong, we would have to come back another time to fix it."

Me: "Uh...ok." (I'm pretty sure he's just making this stuff up to annoy me)

TWC: "Ok so we can come between 11-2 next Saturday. And there will be an $11 service charge for this visit."

Me: "WHAT?? You have to CHARGE me to cancel my cable TV?"

TWC: "Yes."

Me: (trying not to laugh and trying to sound mad) "Ok, well this is exactly why I've cancelled my cable. I called DISH and had them cancel Showtime and they just turned it off and adjusted my bill in about two minutes. Now you're telling me you have to schedule a time to come here and cancel me, plus charge me for it? That's ridiculous."

TWC: "Well, yes. They can do that over the phone. But we can't. We have to come out and manually disconnect. And that's a service call that we have to charge for."

By now it's been about 10 minutes on the phone with this guy. And somehow my calling to cancel my cable so I can save money has cost me an additional $11 just to get it turned off. Plus I have to hang out and wait for three hours next Saturday until someone gets here to disconnect it.

I should have told him I could probably do it myself if he could just walk me through it over the phone so I can save the $11 to pay next month's hidden DISH fees.

C.T.

Musings from Bed 1 of 2

Because I'm in a hotel room with two beds again.

(Did I mention that my room is on the first floor, directly across from the elevator, with the parking lot outside my window, followed by a neighborhood backing up to the parking lot? Literally everyone going to or from their room passes my door, and I can hear everyone parking in the lot or partying in the neighborhood. This does not bode well for C.T.'s sleep tonight, and will make for a tired, crabby C.T. with clients all day tomorrow.)

It's supposed to be spring break here in Florda. Our flight was completely booked this morning, and they told us that it was because of spring break. But our plane was full of old people and one woman who was claustrophobic. She insisted on being the last person on the plane, and then her seat was in the very back of the plane. Does it make sense to sit in the back of a long cylindrical tube where groups of people stand over you waiting for the bathroom if small spaces and crowds are not your favorite thing?

No.

Dinner tonight was at a restaurant called Roadhouse. I joked in the car on the way that maybe this would be the kind of place where we could throw peanut shells on the floor.

When we walked in, there were buckets of peanuts on the table. HA! I totally called it....

And now to my biggest musing of the evening.... SANJAYA.

I'm sitting on Bed 1 of 2 trying to get some work done before LOST, and I almost completely forgot about American Idol results show tonight. I frantically flipped through the channels of my hotel tv hoping I hadn't missed getting to see Sanjaya kicked off of the show.

BUT clearly, more people than just that little crying girl last night has lots of little crying girl friends who all voted for Sanjaya (just as I predicted) because not only was he NOT voted off of the show, HE WASN'T EVEN IN THE BOTTOM THREE.

There are many things wrong with this, people.

1. Clearly most of the world is okay living without my friendship. So, you people who voted for Sanjaya (just like I threatened last night) you are not my friend.

2. Sanjaya has now made it into the Top 10, which means he will be on the American Idol tour, the CD, and most likely we will never, ever truly be rid of him.

3. Because you people kept Sanjaya on the show AND out of the bottom three contestants, Chris Richardson almost got kicked off of the show tonight. NOT OKAY. I've come to like that guy. And I am not willing to trade him for Sanjaya.

The good news is that due to blogging about Sanjaya last night, my blog traffic TRIPLED today with people searching for "sanjaya's crying girl" and the like.

If you are coming to my blog as a fan of Sanjaya, get off now. You are not my friend.

C.T.

I'm a cover band

I got home late from work tonight, so now I'm zoning out and watching my DVR-ed American Idol.

(On an aside, if ANY of you vote for Sanjaya this week, you are no longer my friend. And trust me, you don't want to live without my friendship. It's devastating.)

I'm kinda half paying attention to the show, but I've fixated on something. They mentioned on the show tonight that someone sang one of the songs, then Tom Jones covered it.

So does that ALWAYS mean that if you are not the first person to sing a song, anyone who sings it after the first person sings it is covering the song?

Does that mean that if I'm singing a song in the shower or in the car, that I am covering that song? And then if I'm so awesome at my car-singing and I take it to the next level and I record the song and I begin to sell millions of CDs, does that make me a cover band?

It's an intriguing question, I know.

(Oh no. Sanjaya seems to be flailing about on stage.... OH NO! That little girl is crying! They keep showing her! She seems frightened! Stop it, Sanjaya! You are scaring women and children....)

Anyway, then what if my CD that sells milions of CDs is BETTER than the original? Am I still covering the original if my version is more awesome than the first person who sung it? What if it was just really bad the first time and no one had even heard the song until I discovered it and made it awesome. Am I forever stuck with being the one who covered the song that wasn't awesome until I made it awesome?

(Wait... that little crying girls seems to LIKE Sanjaya. She's a FAN???? Dang. She's Sanhjaya's ONE fan and she's the one who is going to vote for him this week. And now that millions of people have seen that Crying Girl is Sanjaya's fan, they will all vote for him, too.)

That little girl is NOT my friend and if Sanjaya makes it through another week, I blame her.

My singing in the car is awesome, by the way. I really am a cover band.

C.T.

Day 3

This is day 3 for two significant things.

1. I had a bug guy come spray my house for the first time ever. I don't have a lot of bugs. In fact, I haven't seen any for about 6 months or so. But this is the time of year that they start emerging from their winter hiding where they've been busy multiplying. So, I decided this year is the year that I don't want to see a single bug inside my house (especially the big ones). My dad hooked me up with his bug guy. This is officially a bug-free zone now.

2. I started using a self-tanning lotion on my legs. Just to see what happens. As an experiment. My mom bought it for me last year, but by the time I got it from her, my skin tone was a lost cause with my signature bad summer tan lines that I get every year after being outside for five minutes. This year, I have a clean, pasty-white canvas to start with.

Progress on Day 3 is this:

1. Day 3 and I have not seen a single bug in the house.

2. Day 3 and I am just as pasty white as I was on Day 1.

If the success of the buglessness has any influence on the daily tan experiment, I expect to burst into a full tan any minute now.

C.T.

I found more stuff to paint

I'm not like, all about decorating my house. I mean, I go stretches of time where I don't try to decorate a single thing at all.

But I do have a decorating gene that activates from time to time. I get this from my Mom. She is an expert decorator. (In fact, rumor has it that recently, a lamp in their house went out. And while my dad had it out of it's normal place for two days to fix it, my mom wanted to find something to put in it's place against the wall until the lamp came back, because she doesn't like any blank wall space.)

I have a reliable source on that, but to protect him I will keep his name out of the press.

Anyway, I take a bit of a different approach to decorating. I don't like to overdo it. I like basic, simple things. And when the mood strikes me to decorate or move something or change the look of something, I consider these two things:

1. Can I paint it?
2. If it costs more than about $15, I can live with it the way it is.

For instance, for awhile I've wanted to change the planters I have around the outside of my house. They are basically big wood logs that hold in my flowerbeds. I like them. But they just look really old, and the wood is rotting in places. A bit white trash-esque.

So, I put this project through my simple project-worthiness process. Because pulling out all of those logs and replacing it with something else that is fabulous = about 1 billion dollars and a whole lot of work.

1. Can I paint it? YES.
2. Cost: One gallon of redwood stain and one paint brush = $12

I paint anything that will hold paint, and it's amazing, really, what all can be painted. Wood, plastic, metal. Just about anything can be painted, and trust me I've tried to paint just about everything in the house. I've got my eye on my china cabinet for my next painting project, but that's a big one. I'll save that for a rainy weekend.

So, after my afternoon nap today, I ran to Home Depot and purchased the can of redwood stain and a paintbrush, then came back home and started staining the wood flowerbed keeper-inner thingies.

I started on the side of my house that no one sees, in case I didn't like it. Admittedly, some of my brilliant house projects don't turn out exactly the way I picture them in my head....

But, I have to say, after about halfway through the first one, I took a step back and looked and it is pretty genius. It makes the whole thing look brand new and just pretty much awesome.

So I kept going. But I don't have a picture to post because I finished at about 8:30 when it was dark outside. I didn't start it until 5:30, but I'm all for immediate gratification sometimes. I wanted the front of the house completely transformed by my spur of the moment wood staining idea. And yes, I'm THAT neighbor, the crazy one, painting in the dark with a flashlight.

See, I was almost finished with the side and all of the front yard, and I just didn't want to stop. So the last part next to the water hose might not be exactly, um, perfect. I'll check it in the daylight tomorrow.

But (and this is how silly I am sometimes) the REAL reason I wanted it finished so that in the morning when I come back from the gas station where I buy my Sunday paper, I'll drive up and see how beautiful the front of my house looks now. I'll get the full impact of the amazing transformation that took place today.

The good news is that if it really does look terrible in the daylight tomorrow, that wood is well on its way to rotting away. So in another 10 or 15 years, it might all be disintegrated anyway.

C.T.

No, Justin. I'M bringing sexy back....

ME.

I've added a newy sexy edge to my yardwork. It's a little something that is both functional AND sexy.

It's a dust mask. To keep out the dust.

It's really dusty outside lately, and with all the weeds and leftover leaf shrapnel, mowing just sends it all up into the air in front of my face, chopped into little nostril-size particles. I breathe them right in. And that's not good. Not good at all.

Really, it could be a useful thing at other times. Not that I wear it at times other than when I'm doing yardwork.

Ok, I'm wearing it right now while I type this blog.



Seriously, you never know when there might be blog dust that suddenly kicks up and swirls around my head in tiny nostril-size particles.

But otherwise, I'm pretty much only bringing sexy back to yardwork. And blogging.

C.T.

March Madness makes me MAD!!!!

And by "mad" I mean CRAZY mad for NCAA basketball!!!

Yeah, I'm not really sure why I'm suddenly so obsessed with this March Madness mess. But I filled out a bracket for the first time ever this week, and as of 11:00 this morning I've been GLUED to the scores.

See, it's a bracket for my office. It's free to enter, but we get prizes every week if we are winning each week.

And I like prizes.

It's a huge deal at my office. Every time a game ends, you'll hear a round of moans mixed with shouts of joy as we all check the brackets to see our progress. Then the guys go off on all the stats and whatever, shouting it back and forth because our office is a huge open area, and the girls go look for cake in the kitchen and chat American Idol and how on EARTH Sanjaya is still on the show.

If any work gets done over the next three weeks, it will be a miracle.

But sitting here tonight with my laptop in my lap all night watching the scores (I determined this was a more efficient way to keep up with the whole thing because I can watch all four games going on simultaneously PLUS I can watch Grey's Anatomy at the same time), I discovered that even if I don't win prizes, I'm obsessed with how our rankings fluctuate after every game.

At one point today I was tied for second place. Now I'm somewhere in the middle of the pack. Towards the top of the middle. But still in the middle.

I can check everyone else's brackets, and I've already determined that this is going to be a bitter duel to the end for me and the girl who sits next to me at work. Last year, this girl had no idea what March Madness was or that the little numbers next to the team names are their rankings. What's worse is that I was the one who had to explain it to her. Last time I checked (which was five minutes ago, and again five minutes before that), she was in SECOND PLACE. Her bracket is almost exactly the same as mine, with the exception of a few teams in the first round. As the rounds progress, we will end up with the exact same picks.

It's MIND BOGGLING.

Now, to be quite honest, I actually enjoy the numbers and the statistics more than watching the games themselves. To me, this whole March Madness extravaganza will exist mostly on the computer, checking scores, stats, and bracket rankings.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the basketball, too. I will watch games later on. But for now, CBS Sportsline live game updates is where my passions lie.

I've had a minor bout with depression this evening watching the numbers on my screen tell me that Duke lost. But if Gonzaga and Xavier can pull in two wins, I'll be in good shape and ready to stare at the scores tomorrow.

C.T.

PS: This post is to reach out to all of my dude readers out there.

More thoughts on Bad Movies

I've some time to further analyze bad movies this afternoon.

1. Tara Reid is quite possibly the worst actress EVER. No exaggeration. I have just watched a computer generated monster out-act her in a really bad movie.

2. The fun part of IMDBing bad movies is that this usually leads me to more bad movies that I can inevitibly find on TV on some random station to DVR for a later date.

3. Again, ALL of the same people are in ALL of the bad movies.

4. I really like movies with alien bad guys, either computer generated or actors aliened-up. I've determined that the most common way for alien monsters to kill people is to shove some sort of sharply barbed appendage (usually a tongue) all the way through someone. It's genius, but overused.

5. When did Christian Slater become a B-list actor? I used to really like him. Now he's a leading man to Tara Reid. No good can come from that.

6. I love that on IMDB, the head shots of the really bad actors in these really bad movies are SO over the top, as though they think these headshots are what will help them make it big. If you pick one bad actor and scroll through his list of bit parts, then go back and look at his headshot, it's pretty hilarious. It's like at the moment he had his headshots made, it was before his string of bit parts in bad movies, and at that moment he was on his way to making it big. Then he was in one too many crowd shots of TV's Hercules as some sort of ancient barbarian, and it's just been downhill from there.

7. All bad movies throw in inappropriate, random, and gratuitous use of the f-word (Grandma doesn't use that particular bad word, so I won't either). It's like they think that a few randomly placed f-bombs will make their B-movie into an A-movie that will earn a theater release. Ha!

Don't get me wrong. I would practically KILL (not literatlly) to be in a bad movie. Even a LOT of bad movies. With a cheesy headshot on my IMDB page.

Love it.

C.T.

Here's my day so far

First, I woke up sicker than I was when I stayed home from work on Monday.

Second, I emailed in sick to work. The genius of this method is that I don't have to worry if I sound sick enough on a voicemail when calling in sick.

Third, I went back to bed until noon-thirty.

Fourth, I got up, drank coffee, and checked work email.

Fifth, I went to Target to buy food and more drugs for whatever might be wrong with me (illness-wise).

Sixth, I came home and took all of the drugs that the drugs told me I could take. I can't take regular cold medicine. I have to stick to the homeopathic stuff. So right now I am chock full of several varieties of Zicam and Airborne. It seems to be helping. The Zicam decongestant actually did work almost instantly, just like the box said. Genius.

Seventh, I made a grilled cheese sandwich. Yum. Why? Because I like cheese. Although I couldn't really taste it, to tell you the truth...

Now I am watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Paula Abdul. I never realized that she rarely made sense when she talked even back in the 90s. Man, she was awesome in the 90s. And she had awesome hair. She should make another CD. I would totally buy it.

Even when I don't have energy to do stuff, I hate having to be home and not doing stuff when I should be at work. I didn't rest enough on Monday. I ended up working most of the day from home. And then I went back to work yesterday.

If only I had taken the time to watch Paula Abdul's THS on Monday, maybe I would be healed today.

Ooh, Paula's story is getting into her American Idol controversy during Season 2. Gotta go!

C.T.

The bad thing about the Top 12 American Idol shows

We only get to get rid of ONE contestant each week from now on.

First, Paula. I ALWAYS know when a contestant forgets the words. It's completely obvious. Even when I don't know what the words should be, it's easy to tell when they forget them.

If it were up to me (and I'm not finished watching the show yet, but I couldn't wait until the end to make this point), these THREE people should be gone next week:

Brandon (aka I Went First and I Forgot the Words)

Haley (aka I Went Later and I Forgot the Words, too)

Sanjaya (aka I Should Have Been Kicked Off Three Weeks Ago and if I Make it One More Week the Cynical Tyrant Might Get Violent)

(I tried to upload obnoxious performance photos of each of them for dramatic and humorous affect, but Blogger won't cooperate. You should definitely be more entertained by this post than you are right now.)

Anyway, if Sanjaya makes it through to next week, I've lost all faith in the voting people of America.

C.T.

The bad thing about bad movies

They never end.

I've got a DVR full of bad movies that I watch whenever I have free time. Then I delete them. They aren't worth watching more than once, and barely even once, for that matter.

But the thing I've noticed about bad movies is that they NEVER END. They go on forever.

It's amazing to me that they (whoever these makers of bad movies are) can stretch a bad plot, a bad subplot, bad outfits, bad actors, and bad directing into these really, really long movies.

They should last, at most, 27 minutes. It shouldn't take that long to tell a bad story.

But no, they go on for like, 2 hours. They're terrible. From Minute 1 all the way through to Minute 120+.

Not that it keeps me from watching them. Nope.

At least with a good movie with good actors and good directing, if it's long it makes more sense to spend more amount of time on something that is good.

Not that I will stop spending time on bad movies. Nope.

C.T.

I learn everything I need to know about parenting from Supernanny

Granted, I don't have kids and I don't plan to have any any time soon.

But when and if they ever come, I know and understand everything I need to know to raise successful rugrats. Thanks to JoJo.

What I DON'T know or understand is the Supernanny theme song.

Dit dit do do do doo, dit dit doo do do do, dit dit do do do do, dit dit J....????

Are they saying "Jo-oohhh", like Jo's (Supernanny herself) name?

Is it "Jah-aahhhh"?

"Joy-oyyy"?

What?? That doesn't even make sense.

It's ONE word. But it's completely unintelligible.

I'm going to have to Google the lyrics. It's driving me nuts.

C.T.

UPDATE: I know you've been in suspense for the last 5 minutes while I Googled, so I won't make you wait any longer. Turns out, the theme song is an actual real song from the 80s. Apparently I'm not the first one to wonder what the hell (thanks Grandma) the Supernanny theme song is, nor am I the first to Google it.

The song is Be Good Johnny by Men at Work. And after I listened to the 30-second clip of it on iTunes, I like my interpretation of it much better. See above.

Plus, I can't quite understand why Men at Work wrote the theme for Supernanny sometime during the 80s, OR why they wrote this particular song intending for it (in the 80s) to be completely unrelated to Supernanny and a song that people would listen to all on their own. For fun.

Of course, I did stay home sick from work today and I am all hopped up on Airborne, which may or may not have been what kept me up all night wide awake and just wanting to sleep my nasty cold away but being unable to do so because I was wide-a-freakin'-awake, followed by a day on my couch of working at home (sort of) mixed with lots of episodes of Scrubs (did you know it's on quite a lot of channels all the livelong day?), and then falling asleep during Cape Fear (which makes for some interesting half-awake dreams).

So, given all of that, I may not be thinking entirely straight about JoJo's theme song.

Dit dit dit dit.

Spring Forward

My clocks and I sprang forward today. But I think it is safe to say that I will not be springing forward tomorrow.

I did a lot of yardwork this weekend. And tomorrow my body will pay for it.

But spring is here and it's yardwork season again. And no matter what else goes on in my world, right or wrong, I can find sanctuary amongst my begonias and dusty millers.

C.T.

I had the flu for like, 5 minutes today

I'm pretty sure that's what it was.

I was sitting at my desk after lunch, and I suddenly felt very nauseous. Then I was HOT. Forehead sweating. Then my ARMPITS sweating.

My mouth and throat went dry, so I sucked down a bottle of water really fast.

My head hurt. And I kept feeling more and more nauseous.

THEN I got really irritable. Just with myself. No one was around at the moment. But I think if the phone had rung at that moment I possibly would have ripped it out of the wall to shut it up.

You know, instead of answering it.

A few minutes passed and I wasn't feeling any better. I really thought THIS could be the moment I had always dreaded: the moment when I finally puked at work.

I kept sitting very still. Still sweating. I thought that if I moved towards the bathroom, that might be what makes me explode. So I HOPED (and prayed a little) that I could just sit very, very still and stare the calendar on my wall and just WISH it all away.

I sat. I tried to type something to take my mind off of it, but somehow that made me sweat more.

I sat some more.

And then after awhile, nothing happened. I stopped sweating.

It could have been a really random panic attack. Weird.

But I'm pretty sure I had a flu for like, 5 minutes. And then my flu shot kicked in and saved my life.

C.T.

The most unproductive day in the history of the world

Our email was down at work all day today. I remember working all day and being busy, but I have no idea what I did all day, or if I even got anything done.

I don't understand a working world without email.

Sure, I got on the phone, I talked to my clients. I left about a million voicemails for people today. I kept having to get up and walk all over the building to talk to people and show them things, rather than shoot them a quick email with an attachment.

I'm tired. I walked and talked a lot today.

It was pretty much the most unproductive day in the history of the world.

And tomorrow I will have about 108 jillion emails waiting for me when I get to work in the morning.

It will probably be the second most unproductive day in the history of the world.

C.T.

My Left Toe

Over the last couple of months, my big left toe is the culprit of putting FOUR holes in FOUR different socks.

Two of those holes in two of the socks happened yesterday and today. TWO DAYS IN A ROW.

It's ridiculous. And by losing one perfectly good sock, I've really lost the entire pair. I can't very well go around with just one sock on, or a mismatched pair of socks.

It's all quite perplexing to me. It's not like my big left toe has a jagged, razor-sharp toenail that would explain why it slices through my socks so often. I even gave myself a pedicure a couple of weeks ago, for the first time since I last wore flip-flops a few months ago.

I clipped, I filed, I painted the toenails. There is nothing there to cut through a sock. Just smooth, fabulous toenails.

I HATE toenails, by the way. So the fact that the big left toenail is now ripping up my socks for no good reason does not help me appreciate toenails any more than if it WAS a giant, jagged, razor-sharp blade of a toenail that was also slicing through my shoe.

I don't know what's up. But at least the weather will soon be warm enough for me to go back to flip-flops and open-toed shoes. I just can't afford to keep replacing so many socks. Because even though just one sock is getting holed, you have to buy the whole pair to get just one new sock.

Someone should open a One Sock Store. That would be genius. No one ever gets a hole in both socks at the same exact time. If you're toes are anything like my big left toe, you've probably got a drawer full of one socks, too.

Hmmm. I've got some free time these days, and I could stand to make some more money. Maybe I'll check into my genius One Sock Store idea.

Toes are dumb. This whole sock ridiculousness supports my premise that people shouldn't have toes. They are just no good.

C.T.

Unexpected Change

Today, I went to the Coke machine for my daily Coke. I brought two quarters and a dime.

I put in one quarter and the dime, but the machine kept spitting out the second quarter. And by "spitting", I mean this machine literally launches change out of the change chute and onto the floor. I always have to chase it down as it bounces all over the cement floor.

After a few chases after this quarter that the machine just would not take, I noticed that the quarter sounded different than a quarter should sound as it hits the floor. The tone was different.

I'm very perceptive.

So, I ejected the rest of my change from the machine, watching where it was launched so I could chase it down. Then I made the long walk back to my desk to get a different quarter, I returned the long walk back to the Coke machine for my daily Coke, put in the new configuration of change (which was NOT spit back out at me), then I returned to my desk once again... WITH my Coke.

I then proceeded to closely examine the reject quarter that failed to purchase a Coke for me. I wanted to determine if this particular quarter was going to prove worthless to me, or if there was a deeper source of value here that the Coke machine did not recognize.

See, I'm not entirely unfamiliar with coins. I lived in Denver for several years as a kid, and just about every year my class took a trip to the Denver Mint (as though seeing it the year before, and the year before that, and the year before THAT wasn't educational enough, or like money CHANGED so they had to show it to us AGAIN). Those trips, plus the trips we made to the Mint as a family anytime other family would visit us in Denver meant that I've spent considerable hours just looking at coins and learning a few things here and there about coins.

Don't get me wrong. I loved those trips to the Mint. We got out of class, we got to stare at money. And then we would take family, I could say random things about money and that made me look smart. But seriously, they took my class to the MInt every year as though we would learn something new. Every year it was the Mint, the Capitol, the Museum of Natural History, and the Zoo. And my friends, if there are four places in a city (or in HISTORY) that DO NOT CHANGE, it is the Mint, the Capitol, the Museum of Natural History, and the Zoo.

It's not like natural history uncovers anything new.... EVER. If you've seen that dinasaur once or twice, you've pretty much learned all you need to know about it.

The dome on the Denver capitol will ALWAYS be covered with gold, and I've sat on that Mile High step at the Capitol so many times, I can verify the claim that it's marked incorrectly. I've measured.

The zoo? Are there ever any new animals? No. We've pretty much found them all.

And the MInt? It's not like we create new money every year, or change denominations according to numbers that haven't been used much that year. 13 dollar bill? 7-cent piece? I think not. If you've seen one batch of coins travel down that conveyor belt into those big bins, you're pretty much caught up on the latest in U.S. currency.

Anyway, I digress.

Then there's last year when we gave my Mamaw a map of the United States that is specifically made to hold one quarter from each of the 50 states. It's one of those "collector" things for people who want to put 50 perfectly good quarters into a cardboard thing that means you can't use those quarters for the necessities of life.... like Cokes. I spent several hours going through all of my Mamaw's quarters (and I mean every single quarter in the HOUSE), finding the best specimen of quarter for each state, and then putting them into the map for her.

I hope we never buy her anything like that again....

Anyway, I feel that due to this vast experience with staring at coins, specifically quarters, I am somewhat of an expert on quarters. Combining this with my expert Googling skills, plus my musical ear keenly trained on pitch and intonation, I deduced that this reject quarter was made of a different material than your average quarter. And when it comes to coins, different materials affects the true value of a coin.

Upon close examination, I saw that this particular reject quarter had a Washington head (making it a Washington quarter), it was made in 1964, and it had a "D" on it, which meant it was made at the Denver Mint - a place I was very familiar with.

That last part doesn't really have any significance on the value of a quarter, it just sounds dramatic and important and makes all those years at the Mint seem finally significant.

At this point, I turned to Google. And I found that my reject quarter is somewhat unique. Quarters from 1932 to 1964 were made with silver. 90% silver, to be exact. Quarters after 1964 are made mostly of copper. Copper is much less valuable than silver, even though a quarter's monetary value is 25 cents no matter what it is made of.

BUT, these Washington quarters made of silver between 1932 and 1964 have a greater value than 25 cents. Not that using a 1964 quarter to pay for something isn't the same as any other quarter: 25 cents.

But as I Googled, I found that my quarter (a 1964 D Washington quarter) is worth..... $2.32!

So, what wouldn't buy me a Coke today is actually worth, like, 4 Cokes. Not that the machine will take it. And tomorrow I will still need another quarter because the "fancy" quarter won't be worth anything towards a Coke in the machine.

But, I enjoy that I am genius enough to recognize that my reject quarter was probably rejected because it was UNIQUE, and not WORTHLESS or faulty.

Oh, and don't steal my quarter. One day it could be worth, like, THREE dollars.

I will save it and put it in my will so that one day my children's children can inherit my fancy, very valuable quarter.

Along with my giant plastic Coke-shaped bottle that I fill with pennies every time I get a penny. It is now heavier than I can pick up. And one day when the penny is discontinued, I will have a very heavy, very weirdly valuable conversation starter.

My next Google project is to research the relationship between coins and Cokes.

Quarters = purchased Cokes
Pennies = filling up a giant Coke bottle.

I really think I am on to something here.

C.T.

My new favorite hobby

I've developed a new favorite pastime. A hobby, if you will. It is.....

DVRing bad movies then IMDBing them while watching them.

I learn all kinds of fascinating and useless information about all of the worst movies in the world.

Plus, I've noticed a pattern. If I watch more than one bad movie while IMDBing in one day, the chances that I will find one or more of the B-list actors from Bad Movie #1 that are also in Bad Movie #2 are 77 percent that this will happen.

It's a scientific percentage.

I've concluded that all B-list (and C-list and D-list) actors are in all of the same movies. In fact, I think there is really only one Bad Movie in the world. Someone just remakes it, changes the title, and shifts around the B-C-D-list actors from one version to the next. Over and over again.

I've also learned that Robert Englund, best know for his role as Freddy Kruger, is in ALL lame scary movies.

ALL of them.

I think everyone should have an educational hobby. Like mine.

C.T.

Grass Watch 2007

Much like Storm Watch 2007, or Ice Blast 2007, but with grass.

Last year, due to drought conditions and some other mysterious reasons unknown to mankind, the lawn in my backyard decided not to appear or be lovely as it once was. It was mostly dirt and weeds with a few patches of grass here and there.

Since we weren't allowed to water much, there was really nothing I could do to help it. I just had to watch my dirt patch be ugly and non-grassy. This was sad for me. I usually have a beautiful backyard full of healthy green St. Augustine grass.

This weekend, I worked a bit in the yard. I mowed it for the first time of the season, watered, then put down pre-emergent fertilizer. At the moment, the yard is approximately 75 percent weeds, with a side of dirt patches. But at least now all of the weeds are cut down to even height, and the fertilizer can reach the ground to begin working its magic.

And as I examined the yard closely today, I am happy to announce that I'm already seeing sprouts of grasslings in places where there wasn't grass last year. Plus the grass that did come in last year is still there and looks like it will be turning green over the next few weeks, as it should.

So, today begins Grass Watch 2007. Hopefully the yard will return this year in full force.

I will be monitoring it closely, providing regular updates on this official Grass Watch 2007 blog, and hoping that I don't have to buy brand new grass to have a yard again.

C.T.

The shape I'm in

Yesterday, I mowed my yard for the first time since November. I also blew some leaves around with my leafblower. And I pulled a few weeds.

Today I can't move my arms. And my back might fall off.

Seems that sitting on the couch and eating cheese for four months results in a lack of muscle function.

I'm calling it a scientific experiment.

It worked. I'm officially completely out of shape.

C.T.