Mostly New People
I've noticed that I seem to have a high turnover rate.

Anne Lamott, my favorite author for a variety of reasons, wrote a book called All New People. The title refers to the thought that no matter what's going on now, every hundred years it's all new people anyway.

I love that thought because it's true. It's kind of sad, since I don't like the thought of people not being here anymore. But, it's kind of a comforting thought, too. The people you know now, in a hundred years all of you, including you, will be gone, and there will be all new people. So really, what's the worst you can do? Even when you think things are really bad, after awhile it's all new people anyway. Something about that puts into perspective what's really important during moments of freaking out.

With me, however, the rotation seems to be somewhere around every 3-5 years. Mostly new people. Not entirely all new people, as I do (thankfully) have some apparent keepers. But nevertheless, lots of turnover. Not quite as comforting as sticking with people for say, a hundred years. But not entirely horrible, either.

I thought about this in honor of the new year. I went to a great New Year's Eve party with lots of friends that I really enjoy. These are the people in my life now. But when I thought back a year, as is typically something people do at the start of a new year, I realized I was spending the new year with an almost completely different crowd than last year. And the year before that, too.

Not that this is a bad thing. I love the people I was with this year. But I also wonder where the other people went, and why.

It started when I was much younger, when my family would move fairly often because of my dad's jobs. He'd get transferred, and every few years we'd have to start over in a new place. Every few years, all new people. It was hard to form good friendships and lasting relationships since there was always the looming fear that we would only be around for a short time anyway. I think I still carry some fear that after awhile, I'll have to start over again, that people will be gone in a few years, even for no apparent reason. It's hard for me to picture people sticking around long-term.

Now, I stay put. On purpose. I need the stability of staying in one place. Yet, every few years it still seems inevitably, mostly new people. The people I was closest to a few years ago are not the same people I am close to now. I miss them. But then again, a lot of good has come from mostly new people.

I don't like to let go or say goodbye. Sometimes there's not even a goodbye, for whatever reasons. I've never been good at maintaining relationships. I try, and I have really good intentions. But I haven't had that many relationships to maintain for very long, so I'm definitely out of practice on what happens after the new-ness wears off. I struggle with making good decisions, especially the tough ones that lead me through changes in people and relationships, letting go, or forging ahead to make things work. I don't know why some people leave, and I may never know. I don't know why I've had to choose distance for myself, rather than perpetuating a seemingly losing situation. Sometimes, it's been best for me to do the leaving.

Most of all, I don't know how new people keep making a place in my life. That one puzzles me the most. Where do the new people come from, and why? How do they have room for me as a new person in their lives? Even when I think there couldn't possibly be any more new people, there they are.

As a hermit, it doesn't make sense that new people keep seeing something in me that makes them want to be a part of a hermit's life. I'm not easy to get to know. Yet, they try and they do. I'm baffled. But in a good way.

I don't understand the comings and goings of people depending on circumstances or differences or whatnot. I don't understand why I get to keep some people, and why some people are the ones I have to let go. And, I certainly don't understand why some people are inevitably stuck with me.

But I have seen that God continues to bless me by bringing wonderful people into my life at the right times, for the right reasons. Whether they stick around for awhile, or for the long haul, I've seen a purpose for most of them. All of them adding value to my hermit life. And even if they aren't around anymore, I'm thankful that they were here at one time. I can only hope whatever I had to offer at the time was equal to what I gained from them.

None of it makes any sense to me.

But thank goodness for mostly new people.

C.T.