Uninvited Guest
I live alone. For a reason. I like my space to myself.

So to discover last night that I apparently have an univited guest taking up residence in the space underneath my furnace was a bit unsettling.

This is one of my worst fears as a homeowner: an unwanted critter that I will have to deal with.

It's an old house, full of creaks and groans and other house sounds. I've grown used to most of them. The heater took awhile to get used to, as it knocks and hisses while it prepares to blow hot air. It's making a statement, I suppose. After the first few heart attacks at the sudden commotion in the furnace closet, the sound has become soothing. It's expected. I'm cool with it.

What I'm not cool with, however, is the sound I heard last night. As I ate my dinner, I heard a new unidentified sound. I couldn't quite place it, but I jumped up and worked my way through the rooms of the house, checking to see that all was well. I was concerned about the candles I had lit in each room, thinking perhaps one was speaking to me as it burned out of control.

The candles were fine. The noise stopped. The heater came on. I finished my dinner.

Later as I began packing for a trip I have this week, I heard the sound again. Louder, and longer. I followed it to the furnace, but quickly noticed that the furnace noise was not the same noise I was hearing now. I looked down and noticed a small pile of shrapnel near the vent on the floor underneath the furnace. And as I realized that I was hearing what was likely some sort of living, breathing, heavily-clawed creature, instead of a mechanical heating system, I flipped on the light in the room and prepared myself to be attacked by whatever was behind the vent.

Yes, something was behind the vent, scratching to get out.

As the light came on, the noise stopped. I ran for the flashlight and (crouching down a safe distance away from the vent), pointed the light into the vent looking for signs of life. I turned off all noise-making devices in the house (ie: the TV) and listened. I heard nothing. I saw nothing. No eyes peering back at me. No silent shapes in the shadow moving about. Nothing.

Was I imagining this? No, there is definitely a pile of rubble on the floor where something is trying to scrape away the wood from around the edge of the vent. As I continued to stare into the vent, I hoped the vent was still securely in place, so that I was not about to have a critter in my face, trying to escape from my house.

At this point, I realized I'd actually been in denial since the weekend. Saturday morning I had been awakened by the sound of scraping above me. Something running around. But as it was early, I assumed I hadn't heard what I thought I'd heard. And upon investigation of the situation (meaning I went out to the backyard, saw a squirrel in the yard, peered up at the roof, and determined that the squirrel had been running around on the roof), I felt sure nothing was going on in my attic.

After all, things like this will just absolutely not happen in my house. I will have none of it. Creatures, stay out.

So, after I peered into the vent for awhile with the flashlight, and after finding nothing, I went back to my packing and puttering around the house. I kept listening for the sounds of the critter, but never heard it again the rest of the evening.

Once in bed for the night, I prayed a fervent prayer that either there was not actually a critter in my house, or that it would decide of it's own accord to vacate my premises, or that it would just simply magically disappear. I do not want to have to call anyone to investigate the critter. And worst of all, I don't want to have to check into anything myself. I just want it to go away. And most of all, I want it to be quiet so I can sleep through the night.

Well, by this point I'm obsessed about what the creature could be. When the house was inspected a few months ago, the inspector saw no signs of rodent activity. My house was mouse and rat free. Since then, I have done nothing to invite them into my house. Therefore, I sincerely hoped that what I had in my furnace vent was nothing more than a stray squirrel, or perhaps a nice, sweet puppy.

A puppy I can handle, and will gladly rescue and raise as my own. I will name him Scratchy. A rodent of any type? Not so much. Not allowed.

I finally began to drift off to sleep, when I heard it again. Every time the furnace came on, the critter apparently decided this was the time to get busy with the scratching of the wall. Much like Tim Robbins in Shawshank, when he bangs the pipe with the rock every time he sees lightening, in time with the thunder. Clearly this critter is extremely brilliant and clever, and was trying to mask his attempts at freedom to coincide with the sound of the furnace.

Or, it's just really hot in there and it wants out.

I jumped out of bed, grabbed the flashlight again, and went to investigate. This time, the house was dark, and I tiptoed close (ie: no closer than three feet) to the vent. I paused to listen. I heard a slight rustling sound, but couldn't be sure it was anything furry. I pointed the light into the vent again, but still saw nothing. Whatever it was, it was hiding really well. And it was freaking me out.

I went back to bed, and finally fell asleep. I then had a really vivid nightmare about creatures in my house. On the news the other night, I saw a story about a woman who had a giant snake living in her attic and in the walls. She said every night they can hear it slithering around, and they keep finding these gigantic snake skins on the floor of the attic. But they can never find the actual snake. So it just haunts the house, crawling around, torturing them.

I dreamed I had a snake in the house. And a squirrel, and a rat, and by the end of the dream, my house was completely torn apart by the numerous rodents and reptiles running amok in the house. I finally woke up when I dreamed someone (aka a psycho stalker) was on the outside trying to get into the house by breaking all of my windows.

Clearly I was having subliminal issues with feeling safe in my house. This is never usually a problem. I blame the scratchy furnace critter.

When I woke up this morning, I heard nothing. The pile of shrapnel hadn't gotten any bigger. I had no time to do anything about the situation, so I left for work, leaving my house to the critter and giving him one more opportunity to leave on his own.

Tonight, if it's still there, I will have to do something about it. But I don't know what. I fear if I leave it unattended, I will return home from a business trip to find the house in shambles and a family of critters making themselves at home. However, if I get brave enough to open the vent to investigate further, I fear I will only provide the opportunity the critter has waited for to dart out of the vent and roam freely about the house.

I haven't told anyone about it. I even talked to my mom this morning, but said nothing about the critter issue. I'm embarrassed to have a critter in what has been designated as a Critter-Free Zone. Yet, I feel like I'm an adult with a grown-up house. I should have to take care of this stuff on my own, without telling my mom.

However, it is icky and I'm freaked out. And it's just alltogether rude for the critter to torture me in my home, where I will inevitably have to do something with it to get it out of my home. I haven't decided if it will be worse to deal with it dead or alive.

I'm highly offended. . . and ridiculously optimistic that I will make it home after work to find a note of explanation from the critter, with an apology for keeping me up all night, and a promise that it will never return.

C.T.

UPDATE: Tuesday night-
It was, in fact, a squirrel. It was very dead when I got home. And after a very disgusting process, I was able to extract it, wrap it in at least 108 plastic bags, and take it outside. It wasn't fun, but my home is now critter-free. I think I grew up a little today.

Another UPDATE: Read about the removal of the squirrel here.