It's About Time
Over the past few years, the meaning of time to me has really changed. Forward progression of time is a difficult concept for me. I'm pretty sure it's largely due to dealing with loss and death, but I had some issues with this before dealing with that stuff. Whatever the reason, I have a hard time thinking in terms of future for myself.

I always find it hard to answer questions about where I see myself in five years, or what my plans are, or what my goals are. I don't think I have any goals. At least not big, long term, career defining goals. I definitely don't have any long term plans. And five years ago, I would never have seen myself where I am now, even though I'm sure at that time I probably didn't have any idea of where I wanted to be now, either. In fact, when I started college several years ago, I don't think I actually ever saw myself finishing. Not that I had plans to leave or expected to not finish. It just seemed like four years was a really long time to commit to something that I'd never done before.

I did finish. And then I didn't know what to do with myself. That's been the case ever since.

There are things that I want, like to have a job I enjoy, to publish a novel, to be married someday, to have a family. But I have no concept of when I'd like that stuff to occur. Well, I'd love to publish a novel, um, now. And I'd hope that would lead to a job I enjoy. But the rest of my life from this point on, I pretty much have no indication of timeline. I think I figure I'll know it when it's supposed to happen. And I know there's not a whole lot I can do about it otherwise.

So I always have mixed feelings about New Year's celebrations and the start of a new year. What's the big deal, really? It's not like when we wake up on January 1, everything is magically different. It's not like just because the year becomes a new year that anything is different than the day before. It's just the next day. Why do we define so much based on the 'year' time mark, anyway? I can say I had a good year this past year, which I did. But that doesn't necessarily mean it was bad up until December 31 of the year before, and suddenly became good on January 1. Yet, that's how we think. Good year. Bad year. That's weird to me.

For me, every year that passes takes me further away from the time when I had all my family members here with me. I don't like the thought of more time passing since the last time I could see them. It's weird that I continue to live my life, do my stuff, have successes and failures, and grow older inside and out, but without them. I know I'll see them again. But the passing of time for now does not feel like it's bringing me closer to anything. Just further away from a different time in my life.

Sure, I like to gather with friends and enjoy the New Year's celebration, yada yada. It's fun. But it's also puzzling to me. People think in broad terms of bringing in a new year, yet I have extreme difficulty thinking to the end of the week. Literally. People make resolutions and become excited about a new year that has yet to be determined as either good or bad. I'm not excited about a new year. I'm not sad, either. I'm just indifferent. It's just more time. Same as before midnight.

I like time. But a new year is a blank year waiting to be planned, and for plans to be broken. And that frightens me. I don't know what to do with all that time, and thinking of it in terms of a whole year of time for me to fill is overwhelming. I can want and hope for things that I'd like to happen in the upcoming year, but the chances of any of those things actually occuring by this time next year when I look back at 2004 seem very slim to me from where I sit now. At the beginning.

I have a calendar and a planner. But it's empty after about a week in advance. I write down birthdays and special occasions. That stuff is important to me to remember. But I can't think further ahead than about a week, and I have major issues with committing to anything further away than a week or so. I know I have a lot to do, places to be, appointments to keep over the next few weeks. But none of that is on my calendar, yet. And often, I'll go back and write things in after they take place. It's not going to change once it's already happened, and that is something I can count on.

I didn't buy a 2004 planner until just a few days ago. Actually, I didn't even buy it. I got it from my mom. Not because I was afraid of buying it. But I just didn't think that far ahead. Suddenly, it was the end of December and I noticed that people were talking about things that should be on the calendar in 2004. Then I noticed that my calendar runs out at the end of 2003. So I figured it was probably time to get a new calendar. It hadn't occured to me, yet, that time would possibly go on past midnight tonight.

I'm not sure things/plans/events/we will be there then. Like, still here to keep our plans. I can't be certain of things or times or places or people anymore. I don't mean to indicate that I have non-dependable friends. That's not the case at all. I just think I've had too many sudden, abrupt, unexpected, and unwelcome changes in my plans to be able to commit to more plans in advance. Ultimately we are not in control of what happens in a week, or even a day. So, I like to know what's going on, and I fully intend to be where I need to be. And if all continues as planned, I'll be there, even if it's not on my calendar.

It's just not that important to me to fill my calendar far in advance, and yet somehow I manage to spend more time with people now than when I used to obsessively write everything down in advance. I used to have to plan. Now I have to not plan in advance. It's probably not the healthiest way for me to go through my days, and being more non-committal than I should probably be is something I struggle with. But to me there's just something not as important as planning everything out.

Somehow I always manage to be where I'm supposed to be, usually on time. And when it comes to the big important things, I force myself to write it down and plan for it. Truthfully, I'm not a wishy-washy, go from one thing to the next as it comes up, kind of girl. I do like to have a plan. And when there is a plan, I find that I'm not sure what to do when the plan changes (ie: my Rainman qualities). I do like to be dependable. If I say I will be there, I will. If I am needed, I can be counted on. Generally even if I can't make myself give a firm answer of committment to something, I'll likely be there anyway. It just can't be more than a week or so in advance. And it has to be okay if I can't commit in pen on my calendar.

So, Happy Day One of the New Year to everyone. May it be what you hope it will be. And if it isn't, I hope it's good anyway. Followed soon after by many more good days.

One day at a time.

C.T.