Monday, October 08, 2007

The Tyrant's Doping Confession

I feel convicted by recent events.

In the spirit of Marion Jones's recent doping confession and the return of her Olympic medals, and in spite of Floyd Landis's refusal to fess up to the doping that helped him win the Tour de France despite testing postive for the drugs he insists he didn't take, I feel it is my turn to come clean on this very important issue.

I am, after all, a role model for the youth of the world.

I have carried this weight for many, many years. But it is time that I publicly admit that while I was in elementary school, I was on asthma medication. During this time, I participated in many school-wide Field Days in which I competed in various events resulting in various levels of wins that I earned, including but not limited to the 100-yard dash, and the long jump.

Without the aid of my asthma medication, I would not have been able to breathe well enough to have competed in these events, let alone win any ribbons or awards. It is only with the help of these performance-enhancing drugs that I was able to secure my 5th, 6th, and yes, even 7th place ribbons in multiple events throughout my elementary school Field Day competitions.

I am certain that without these drugs, I could not have competed, and therefore would not have quite literally stolen these accolades from other more deserving 5th, 6th, and oh yes, 7th place winners. I can only imagine the lives I have ruined in the wake of my actions.

It is with a heavy heart that I hereby renounce my winnings, even after all of these years. And as soon as I am able to locate, somewhere in a box in my attic, these pink and green ribbons that I unfairly earned with the help of drugs that other children did not have, I will return them to my school to be awarded to those children who came in 6th, 7th, and oh yes, 8th place behind me in these events.

I know that this gesture will never right the wrong that has haunted me all of these years to this very day. But I can only hope that one day this will be but a distant memory and a fading mark on what would otherwise be a blemish-free athletic career.

Also, I might also have been on a lot of Motrin while running the White Rock Team Relay Marathon, and for most of my long bike races. However, the toxicology screenings are still out on those events. Until a panel can conclusively prove that I was, in fact, on Motrin to ease my aches and pains during these events, I will hang on to those Participant medals.

I offer my sincerest apologies for my actions to the world of athletics far and wide.


1 comment:

JASClark said...
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