There are many reasons why I do not run marathons.
I discovered all of them on Sunday. But overall, the Team Phoebe Relay Marathon Adventure of Sunday was a huge success. And one day, I'm sure I will recover from it.

The day started early. Too early. It was still dark outside. And it was really, really cold. Why are marathons in the winter? And why do runners insist on running in the dark at such an ungodly hour of the morning? I don't function well that early. Let me sleep in, have some coffee, eat a big breakfast, then get me running by about noon. Things that happen early in the morning are bad for me and those involved with me. This could be why we didn't win the relay marathon. The marathon was half over before I was fully awake.

Contributing to my state of non-alert was the fact that I still had the plague. I contracted the plague late last week. The plague followed me throughout the weekend. And it still lingered when it came time to gather with Team Phoebe and run our race Sunday morning. We knew before the race started that I was the weakest link. We now had to deal with a weak link that had the plague. It was a whole new level of weak linkage.

We gathered early and made it to the event as a team. The plan was to follow the whole route together, dropping each runner off at their designated exchange point, and then moving ahead to the next place to cheer and pick up the last runner. We had a coordinator. She had a clipboard. She wore a Team Phoebe shirt. It was very carefully planned. We were prepared for an adventure.

Now, I went to this marathon last year as a fan and a spectator supporting some friends who were running the entire marathon. But this year I was there as a runner. It is a whole different experience to go as a runner. We had numbers pinned to our shirts. We looked professional and serious. We walked through the thousands of people attending and running in the event as though we had a purpose and mission in being there. We were there to win. And to look good doing it.

Of course, that image was completely shattered as our goal for the day was to be as obnoxious as possible. We cheered for everything. We cheered constantly. And somewhere in the middle of all the cheering, we ran.

Phoebe #1 started off the relay. And she is super fast. We dropped her off at the start line, wished her well, then booked it back to the car to drop off Phoebe #2 at the next exchange point. Then, we raced back to another spot to cheer on Phoebe #1 as she made her way to meet Phoebe #2. It's really not as confusing as it sounds. But this was the typical pattern for the day. It went on and on and on . . .

Cheering the Phoebes involved quite an ordeal. We had the rest of the relay team members (those who hadn't run, yet and those who had already run), plus our Phoebe Coordinator, plus our Phoebe Phan, who also wore a Team Phoebe shirt. There were seven us with matching shirts. The coolest matching shirts ever, incidentally. We made a race day CD, which we carted around with us on a portable CD player. When we arrived at a Designated Cheering Location (DCL), pre-planned and on the clipboard thanks to our Phoebe Coordinator, we would all pile out of the car and run (with the CD player blaring) to a spot on the course to watch for the Running Phoebe.

We would then cheer obnoxiously until the Running Phoebe passed. We got a lot of stares. I'm not sure why.

After Phoebe #1 passed, we ran back to the car and booked it to Starbucks. Each Phoebe was allowed one request of a special item to await her after completing her portion of the race. Phoebe #1 wanted a something-or-other from Starbucks. We had just enough time to secure the Starbucks before making it to the first exchange point to pick her up.

Super Phast Phoebe #1, however, made it there before we got there, so we piled out of the car with the Starbucks in hand to hunt her down. Phoebe #2 was already on her way and running to the next stop. It was time to collect all remaining Phoebes and take me to the next exchange point.

I was Phoebe #3. I requested a Krispy Kreme donut as my inspiration for running.

My portion of the race included the five mile stretch between Mile 10 and Mile 15. This part of the race took place around the north part of the lake. A lake, incidentally, that I had travelled around many, many times by bicycle. Never, ever, by foot. As I mentally prepared for my five miles of plague-infested running that was about to take place, I longed for my bike. By bike, I can cover the entire lake in 35 minutes. By foot, and with the plague, I calculated it might take me the better part of a week to complete my half of the lake.

As we neared my drop off point, the car stopped and several of us jumped out to head to the exchange. I shed my jacket, but I kept my pants in lieu of running in shorts. It was cold. This was not good for my plague.

Now, the exchange points provided quite a challenge. The first exchange/hand off of the traveling wrist band did not go smoothly. As one runner nears the exchange point, race officials spot them and call out the number pinned on the shirt so that the next runner can hear the number and approach the Exchange Zone. However, the calling out of numbers was not going so well, and the mob scene at the first Exchange Zone resulted in a lot of lost people looking for their team person in a sea of spandex, short-shorts, and running shoes. Everyone pretty much looked alike.

Except for Team Phoebe. We had matching shirts. Our rule was to look for the shirts.

Phoebe #2 came along and it was time for me, Phoebe #3, to run. I was nervous. I was tired. I was coughing up a lung. It was cold.

The other Phoebes cheered as Phoebe #2 arrived, we found each other, and handed off the wrist band. I grabbed it, cheered for myself among the other cheering, and ran confidentally off into the unknown, following a group of other runners that I hoped would lead me quickly and safely to Mile 15 as soon as possible.

Now, I am not a runner. I am a biker. In preparation for this event, I ran two times. Then I contracted the plague and my training was set back and altogether cancelled. I was not in shape for this. But I ran as though I was. I ran for the Phoebes.

The first mile was good. I ran. I breathed. I had four more miles to go.

Then I walked. Then I ran. Then I walked. Then I hallucinated purple elephants. Then I ran. Then I coughed up a lung.

Then I was passed by a small child. Then I ran. Then I was passed by an old lady with one wooden leg, carrying a fat guy on her shoulders. Then I walked. Then I was passed by a family sitting absolutely still.

That may have been another hallucination.

I discovered it is hard to run and drink water at the same time. I also discovered that guys in the race who pause for a moment to stand nonchalantly beside a tree next to where everyone is running seem to think we do not know they are pee-ing.

I knew.

At Mile 13, the plan was for the other Phoebes to catch up to me and see if I was going to make it. If not, we would switch someone out to finish my last two miles, and then call 911 for me. At Mile 13, I saw no Phoebes. Apparently I got there before they did. They arrived after I had passed and cheered for me, not knowing I was already long gone. Hmmm. Maybe I wasn't so slow after all. . .

By Mile 14 I was in pain. Knees, hips, other remaining lung - all hurting. There was snot. It wasn't pretty.

But, I only had one more mile to go! Hooray Phoebe #3! I cheered for myself. Random people cheered for me. The Team Phoebe shirts were designed with our names on the front. Everyone knew who we were as we passed.

Approaching Mile 15, there was a hill. I walked until I reached the beginnings of crowds near this mile marker, then I ran so I could confidentally run to the exchange zone and make my Phoebes proud. I tried to follow the signs to the Exchange Mob, listening for the numbers to be announced and looking optimistically for the next Phoebe, but I soon found myself in a glob of people.

My glorious arrival at Mile 15 was clouded by a sea of people I didn't know, and I didn't know where Phoebe #4 was to pass the torch on to her. It was a little anti-climactic.

I wandered throughout the people, calling for the Phoebes. After a couple of minutes, I found them. They were shocked that I'd made it so quickly. Phoebe #4 took the wristband, and she was off.

I was tired. And by 'made it so quickly', I mean 'completed my five miles in an hour.' Slow, in that a few people had already finished the entire marathon at that time. Fast, considering I expected to collapse and crawl my way to Mile 15, hopefully before nightfall.

But it was all worthwhile because there waiting for me in the car was the best tasting Krispy Kreme donut ever. So worth it . . . I don't need two lungs to enjoy a Krispy Kreme.

The Phoebes hurried to another DCL, and after standing and cheering there for ten minutes, we realized we'd missed Phoebe #4. She was fast, too. We collected ourselves and hurried to the final Exchange Point.

We made the exchange, collected Phoebe #4 and sent Phoebe #5 on her way, then hurried to yet another DCL. This time were in time to catch Phoebe #5 triumphantly running her portion of the race. We cheered. She passed us. We left to head to the finish line.

At the finish line, we made it just in time to see Phoebe #5 cross the line and complete our relay adventure. We took pictures. We celebrated. I had another donut. It was grand.

We then went to eat giant burritos. Probably not the smartest decision as a post-race meal, but they tasted good. Until they hit again later . . .

Our total race time was 4hrs 16 min. This was extremely impressive to me, considering we had one semi-sick, green snotty Phoebe, a Phoebe with a knee injury, a Phoebe who doesn't run and who had the plague, another Phoebe who doesn't run, and a Phoebe who had some weird toenail-losing issue. We came in 13th out of 45 teams in our category.

Since then, I've been walking around like Frankenstein- stiff and stompy. But not growly. Well, a little growly.

Next year, we will win. Right now the thought of running it again, well, hurts. But at least I have an entire year to recover and get ready for it.

Team Phoebe Rules.

C.T.

PS: Odd Highlight of the Day: This award goes to the random person at Starbucks who, upon seeing our shirts with a picture of Phoebe Buffay (from Friends) on the front of the shirt, asked us who Phoebe was and then asked why we were running to sponsor her. Like, as though we were running in honor of someone named Phoebe who had cancer or something. Does this person not own a TV?

PS Again: Runner-Up Odd Highlight of the Day: This award goes to the guy at the burrito place who, upon noticing that we all had on matching shirts and that we were wearing medals, asked us what they were for. Once I told him we had run in a marathon he then proceeded to ask why we weren't still running 'since it should take, like, two days to run a marathon, right?' Yes. And we just decided to take a break for a burrito.