Observations after giving thanks.
I had a lot of time to observe over the past few days. I live in a big city, so when I travel to spend time with family in Small Town USA, I have to take full advantage of the opportunity to explore and enjoy my nearly white trash, small town roots.

Here are some things I noticed throughout my Thanksgiving weekend adventure, while driving through an endless supply of small towns on the highway, and while spending time in the small town where the history of the Cynical Tyrant began long ago:

1. Big City:
Schools are primarily located on residential streets where the everyday speed limit is 35mph, and the School Zone speed limit is 20mph.

Small Town:
Schools can be found on the one main street in town, which is the highway, where the everday speed limit is 60mph, and the School Zone speed limit is 50mph. Apparently in small towns, kids are expected to run faster and dodge trucks across two lanes of highway, as opposed to City Kids who can nonchalantly meander through much slower traffic in friendly neighborhoods.

2. Big City:
If you talk like or are Darrah from Survivor you are in the minority and no one will be able to understand a word you say.

Small Town:
If you don't talk like and are not Darrah from Survivor, you are in the minority and no one will understand a word you say. In my case, while in Rome, USA, I revert to talkin' like the local Romans.

3. Big City:
Parking your car on your front lawn means you live in the ghetto, your front lawn is actually a parking lot at an apartment complex, or you are asking for a citation from your Home Owner's Association.

Small Town:
Parking your car on your front lawn is preferred over the driveway (if you have a driveway) so that the kids can use the concrete driveway to safely set off fireworks. The lawn parking method is also used to pack in as many cars as possible for people arriving for Sunday lunch. There is no such thing as a Home Owner's Association, and the town sheriff parks his car on the lawn, too.

4. Big City:
Eugene Levy (pronounced lee-vee) is a well-known comedy actor. Hilarity usually ensues.

Small Town:
You n' Gene go to the levy (pronounced leh-vee) for some good afternoon fishin'. Hilarity will likely ensue.

5. Big City:
Fried seafood is one of many kinds of restaurants all over the city.

Small Town:
Fried Seafood is the name of the restaurant in town. Never underestimate the power of fryin' stuff.

6. Big City:
People go to Wal-Mart on occassion to buy necessary items that can't be found at the mall. It's a quick trip, hoping you don't see anyone you know there.

Small Town:
People go to Wal-Mart because there is nothing else to do. Often. It's a social occassion. You'll see everyone you know there. It's a good day.

7. Big City:
Anything that can't be found at one mall can be found at any of the other 27 malls, each containing 150 stores, within a ten minute drive.

Small Town:
First find a mall, then hope the 11 stores inside have something resembling what you're looking for. If not, pile the kids into the truck and head north for an hour and a half until you find the next closest mall. Or go to Wal-Mart. That's where your friends are anyway.

8. Big City:
Too many stoplights are a nuisance, backing up traffic, making people late, annoying everyone.

Small Town:
The day they put in the second stoplight on the highway was declared a holiday, complete with a parade and many fried foods. Now the kids can get through that 50mph School Zone safely while the traffic stops to admire the new stoplight.

9. Big City:
Burning stuff on the front lawn would not only be a major fire hazard, it breaks all kinds of laws.

Small Town:
Burning stuff on the front lawn is the prefered method of ridding your household of many kinds of trash, leaves, and other debris. The sheriff has the biggest lawn fire on the street, next to the volunteer fire department. You'll often find the kids out front keeping an eye on the blaze with the family waterhose, while the adults are in the backyard, fryin' fish caught earlier at the levy, in a big vat of grease. Burnin' stuff works up a good appetite, filled only by fryin' stuff.

10. Big City:
Fast food is available for people on the go without time to cook. On any given street corner, you'll find at least seven fast food restaurants to choose from.

Small Town:
Fast food is a special occassion. People take a break from cooking seven course meals to 'eat out', choosing between the McDonald's that the town was built around, or the Pizza Hut across town. Often this is Sunday lunch. Good thing Pizza Hut has a large lawn for parking.

And finally,

11. Big City:
Camouflage is a novelty. It's trendy. It's hip. It accents a wardrobe item here and there.

Small Town:
Camouflage is a way of life. One of the 11 stores in the mall is likely a camouflage clothing depot. Think nothing of entire clans of people draped completely in camouflage, eating a fancy meal at Pizza Hut. After all, it's always hunting season of some kind, somewhere.

The best part of all this? It's family.

I give thanks.

C.T.