Thoughts after giving thanks.
I had a lot of time to think over the past few days. I took a break from writing, and I left town to spend time with family. Holidays are a tough time of year for me and most of my family. It's hard to celebrate things we are supposed to be thankful for, and it's hard to enjoy spending time together, when we are very obviously missing some people who should still be here. In fact, for the most part, holidays have sucked during the past several years. In the case of this past weekend, it was our fifth Thanksgiving without my grandfather and my sister.

But, it was a nice weekend. Probably the best holiday we've had in the years we've had to spend holidays without all of our family here to be with us. I've been able to enjoy time with my family more lately than in the past few years. I've made it a priority to be with them as often as I can, even though it's not usually the easiest or most fun thing that I do. They are special people and I love them a lot, even though we are very different in a lot of ways. They're good people.

Going to visit my Mamaw, which is where I went this weekend, is like stepping back in time, in many ways. She lives in the same town we always visited growing up, the town where my parents grew up and met and were married. Several years ago, my grandparents sold their bigger house and most of the land they owned, but they kept some of it, building a smaller house next door to the house we all grew up in during many visits to see Mamaw and Papaw. Now when we go to visit, it's a little weird to visit Mamaw next door to Mamaw's house. I don't know the people who live the old house now. But I have a lot of great memories from the house I can only stand and look at from the yard next door now.

It's a very small town in Louisiana. Doesn't even have a Wal-Mart. In fact, we have to cross the river into Mississippi to get to Wal-Mart, or to the nearest mall. Everything there is very old-fashioned, almost backwards. But it's nice. It's slow, it's comfortable, it's quaint. You can't get in a hurry for anything, and a lot of time is spent sitting and waiting and doing a whole lot of absolutely nothing except listening to conversations around you. It drives me crazy after a few days, but I still love to go there and just take a break from big city life sometimes. It's home. I'm always sad to leave, even though by the time it's time to go, I'm itching to get back to civilization and my life.

But, it's still hard to be there without my sister and my grandpa. We tell stories, we do many of the things we used to do together as a family, we grow older, we change. But they never do. And even thought it's nice enough now, and we do the best we can to have nice holidays, it still just never seems quite right. Something is missing.

In all the years of growing up and looking forward to holidays and being so excited for Christmas that's it's almost too hard to wait, you never think that one day Christmas might not be fun anymore. Then one day, Christmas isn't fun anymore, unexpectedly, on top of everyday missing someone. It becomes something you dread every year, watching others around you being happy and having fun, families complete. Holidays become a huge reminder that people are gone, and it doesn't seem right.

But even though the point of Christmas is not the presents we get so excited about, and even though the point of Thanksgiving isn't food or football or days off from work, it's tough to be here without people you thought would always be here with you, too. And it's tough to make that into something to still get excited about and enjoy. All the presents in the world wouldn't make a difference. I realize now how unimportant the 'stuff' is for holidays.

It's harder to remember the ones that are still here when we're trying so hard not to forget the ones that are gone. But it's important to try and focus on the family we still have to enjoy, while we can. And to remember to miss the ones we don't have anymore, just enough to keep them with us.

We keep trying to make it work. And that's the best we can do. For that much, I am thankful.

C.T.