What I would have missed if . . .
I hadn't taped the Billboard Music Awards last night.

I love to watch awards shows. But definitely the best way to watch them is to tape them, then fast forward through them later. It takes much less time, allowing me to fit in more television viewing within a day (which is the most important thing in the world), yet you can still take in all the good stuff. Fast-forwarding gets you through all the lame speeches, the 'lifetime achievement' awards and tributes, and other useless stuff like that.

So, upon fast-forwarding through the Billboard Music Awards, this is what I noticed:

1. Too many Beyonce's on a stage at one time. Seriously. There were, like, 50 Beyonce's. Everyone was a Beyonce. It was creepy. I was scared I would wake up this morning and find that I'm a Beyonce.

2. The use of the word 'artistses', (as in, more than one 'artists'), in a sentence, spoken by a rapper dressed like a homeless guy but who undoubtedly makes more money than I will ever see in my lifetime. Aren't rappers supposed to be good with words? Shiznit.

3. Nicole Ritchie (of Simple Life fame, with Paris Hilton) cussing on stage. As she read the TELEPROMPTER (her cussing was scripted), which is set up to aid FOX censors to know when to bleep a word, they bleeped the words before 'f-ing', but not the actual word 'f-ing', which caused the bleep to completely miss the word it was supposed to bleep. She said it big and loud and everyone heard it. It was fabulously funny. Oops.

4. Outkast thanking the people who voted as they accepted their award. Of course, if they had paid any attention at all to Mandy Moore who had delivered a delightful speech just before them to tell everyone how the awards are awarded, they would have known that people don't vote. The awards are given based on sales and airtime. Thanking the voters is useless, as there aren't any voters. But then again, I don't pay attention to Mandy Moore, either.

5. Pink getting bleeped and blanked (they kept inserting a blank screenshot to hide whatever she was doing on stage that was unsuitable for network TV) way too many times for a song to be titled 'If God was a DJ'. That girl needs some prayer.

6. Britney Spears was nowhere to be found. Lip-synching or otherwise. I didn't quite know what to do with that.

7. Someone seriously must keep Sting in a cryogenically frozen chamber when he's not performing, or else he is animatronic, because he never looks any older, and you hardly ever see him unless he is performing on stage. He's rarely out in public, but he always looks good on stage. Hmmmm . . .

8. Chingy? I've never heard of this guy, but is that a name? And why isn't everyone in the world making fun of it? Is this a family name? Is his wife Dingy? Are his kids Bingy, Wingy, and Klingy? Is a stupid name what it takes to be famous these days? Because I can do that. Call me Floopy.

9. I'm sure it sounded like a good idea on paper to send Evanescence out to the neon sign graveyard for their performance, but after the first five seconds, I truly felt sorry for their rockin' song that came across as a low-rent, poorly filmed amateur music video. Think Phoebe's "Smelly Cat" music video, but with more bright lights and creepy broken neon signs littered about.

10. But best of all, two hours of Nick and Jessica, interspersed throughout the show as commentators. Jessica had bad hair, and they kept talking about how good they are in bed. It was strange, and made me slightly embarrassed for them. But I love them. I can't help it.

- Aspiring to one day be an artistses,
Floopy

Word.