Still More Fun With SPAM
Ok, so it's probably a more logical, better researched idea to not reply to SPAM emails (thanks, suzi!), and I respect that. But, I find it's much more fun to respond to the ones that make it into my Inbox, rather than just delete them. And truthfully, I've noticed a significant drop-off in the amount of SPAM I get at one of my email addresses since I've started doing this experiment, using only that email account. Today I got another SPAM email, and it was the first one in probably a couple of months, in my actual Inbox rather than the Bulk mail folder.

So, I won't recommend it, since maybe it's a weird fluke because I am, in fact, often a weird fluke myself. But I will share today's SPAMARP (SPAM Annoyance Reponse Plan) adventure. SPAMARP, annoying SPAMmers in the same fashion they annoy me. At the least, this will publicize yet another email scam for those of you who have trouble deciphering a scam when you see it. Following is the original email, immediately followed by my response.

THE EMAIL (as-is, typos, grammar, and all):

From:Basil Davidson
Abidjan, Ivory Coast West Africa
. Tel:+225 07563921.

APPEAL FOR URGENT BUSINESS ASSISTAN

. Dear,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from the Ivoirian chamber of commerce and industry .I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that I can do business with and by the recommendation ,I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business .

I am Basil Davidson the only son of late Mr and Mrs Joseph Davidson.My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip . My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on January 2001 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of ten million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD ($ 10.500,000) left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only son for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose such as real estate management or hotel management .

dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide a good bank account into which this money would be transferred to .

(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 22years. (3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country. Moreover, sir i am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas. Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days you signify interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you soon. Thanks and God bless. Best regards,

Basil Davidson

MY RESPONSE (hee-hee):

Dearest Basil-
Did you know that is my favorite spice? Basil. Mmmm. Just the sound of it makes my mouth water for a big hunk of Basil.

So, Basil, you write to me with quite a predicament. What a pickle you are in! And my name was recommended to you by someone you trust? And you prayed over this? Can I ask who this is that recommended me to you? You see, I've spent the last several years of my life living under an assumed name. Basil, I am in the Witness Protection Program, specifically to hide from the last Abidjan person with whom I did business. I actually get these emails all the time. I'm quite popular, really.

So if you have found me due to a recommendation, this means one of my dearest friends/confidants/security guards has leaked my moniker to you, and therefore must be terminated immediately. I must fight fire with fire. I simply cannot be found. And I think a little fire to the belly of this traitor will do just the trick, if you know what I mean . . .

Now, back to the business at hand. You want my bank account number, and a plane ticket to the USA. And you want me to be guardian of your cash because you are only 22 years old? How do you know I'm not only 21 years old? And since when is being 22 years old not old enough to hang onto a large sum of money? Here in the US we let small children run around with wads of cash tucked away in their diapers for safe keeping. Being 22, I assume you no longer wear diapers, but I trust you could guard your own pile of dinero all by yourself. Put it in your pockets, or stuff it down your pants, if you must. You're a big boy now. Don't underestimate yourself, dear Basil.

Now, about that 15% of the total sum. I will gladly accept that and/or watch that much money for you on a permanent basis. Just send it in small unmarked bills to:

Witness Protection Program
c/o Basil's friend
Spamville, USA 77777

I will be expecting it within 14 days, or else I will come looking for you. And don't think I won't find you. I'm in the Witness Protection Program. No one knows who I am because I technically don't exist. So I have nothing to lose and no fear of anyone or anything when it comes to getting what I want. I will stop at nothing to find you and get my money, so don't think you can run from me.

Well, you could probably run for awhile, but when you get tired and your legs cramp up, I'll be there waiting in my parked car with dark tinted windows, sipping a cool glass of lemonade, watching you sweat. Since you said you know me to be a reputable and trustworthy person, you can trust that I mean everything I've said here.

So good to hear from you, Basil!

Sincerely,
Your Dear Trustworthy Friend

PS: If you call me 'sir' one more time, the deal is off. And I am doubling my fee. It's almost like you don't know me at all, Basil. And that hurts. It really, really hurts.

Take that, SPAMmer.

C.T.