Columbus Day is dead to me
In my honest opinion, if some people get a day off from work for Columbus Day, then all of us should get the day off.

Let's dissect Columbus and his day, shall we? I think you will find that I am right about the unfairness of this holiday situation. And if you don't, then you probably got a day off for Columbus Day yesterday while I was at work all day, and I don't want to hear what you have to say.

Now, we all know that Columbus discovered America. Sure, in theory that sounds like a big deal. And we are all thankful to Columbus for his big 'discovery'. But truthfully, do you think if he hadn't done it, we would never have found it? And if we want to get technical, do we really know he was the first one off the boat, setting foot on shore? You don't think he sent a servant or some boat rower with a gun out first, to make sure there weren't any aliens on shore to eat him? Columbus Day could just as easily have been Jim Bob Boat Rower Day. Why does Columbus get all the glory?

And honestly, would it be so bad to still be living in Europe? If Columbus and his boat rower had never made it to America, starting the fad of "hey, let's all go live in America", would it be so bad to not live here? As many future vacations as I have planned for Europe, I wouldn't hate Mr. Columbus if he never found America and we all still lived there, so I could visit it for much cheaper.

If we take a closer look at Columbus, it turns out he wasn't even aiming for America. So in my estimation he technically didn't 'discover' anything. He just stumbled upon it, and truthfully, any idiot can do that. One day when some scientist guy discovers the cure for cancer, it won't be because he tripped and fell into a vat of lard that bonded to his aftershave, and suddenly cancer is no longer a problem for mankind because scientist guy's shoelace caused him to trip over himself and into the very thing scientists have been looking for for decades. That's not a discovery. That's an accident. Happy Tripped-Up Scientist Guy Day.

Columbus eventually figured out that this wasn't where he was supposed to be (Jim Bob Boat Rower probably told him), and that was the first clue that he 'discovered' a new place. He then proceeded to be turned into a hero 'explorer', taking all the credit for finding an enormous hunk of land that probably didn't just appear overnight, and now everyone thinks he's a big deal worthy of being honored by a holiday on the calendar.

You know, eventually I will 'discover' a giant meteor crater the size of Texas in the surface of the earth if I keep walking in the same direction long enough to fall into a giant, meteor-shaped hole. Someone may have to tell me what just happened when I hit the bottom. But if I do make such a discovery, I expect a holiday to be named after me.

Now, as far as this Columbus Day 'holiday' goes, since we are mostly all Americans (here in America) and we all apparently have Columbus to thank for putting us here, doesn't the question beg to be asked: why don't we all get Columbus Day off for a holiday? Why don't we all get the chance to celebrate our 'hero'? Why are banks, and school teachers, and post offices more thankful than the rest of us? I will venture to say I work just as hard as they do, and if hard work is rewarded with obscure holidays for random people who stumbled across a big pond to get here, then I am just as deserving as the next person who gets to lay around in their pj's all day watching a Newlyweds marathon, to 'honor' Columbus.

The mystery doesn't even stop at just banks and post offices and teachers. My DAD gets the day off for Columbus Day and he sells computer software. Wha-huh?? I mean, he's a hardworking individual, very deserving of a day off. But SO AM I. Who is the person who decided which people are worthy of Columbus Day, anyway? I want his home phone number. He needs a phone call.

My next question is this: Does anyone having a day off on Columbus Day actually use the day to celebrate Columbus? Be honest, did any of you teachers or bank employees use Columbus Day to go to a Columbus Day parade? Did you sit around a Columbus ficus plant and tell the story of the discovery of America? Did you sing Columbus Carols? Did you really stop for a moment during your busy day off to pay homage to the discoverer of the land you walk upon? You didn't celebrate Columbus anymore than I did working all day in my office. In fact, I was quite angry at Columbus all day yesterday.

I mean, for the Christmas holiday people actually celebrate Christmas. It's not like people are neglecting gifts and Jesus on Christmas, because that is what the day is for- to celebrate Christmas. But Columbus Day? I don't think anyone is really paying any attention to Columbus on that particular day, or any day thereafter.

If I were Columbus, I'd be a bit ticked off. People are using him as an excuse to slough off work, yet he gets no credit for it. When I 'discover' my meteor crater, and am consequently rewarded with a holiday named for me, you people had better celebrate me and only me on that day.

I want a parade. You can wear your pj's.

C.T.