Flirt Issues
You know that episode of Friends when Ross flirts, and everyone realizes how bad he is at flirting? He tries to prove he can flirt well by flirting with the pizza girl, only to end up talking about gas and looking like an idiot because he actually doesn't know how to flirt? Ok, picture that, but the female version of it, and you get me. World's Worst Flirt. I'm Ross-ette.

I could have a crush on every single guy on the planet, but none of them will ever ask me out because I'm both really bad at letting guys know I'm interested, and then really, really bad at that whole flirt thing. I take 'playing hard to get' and 'aloof' to a whole new level, although it's completely unintentional. I don't want to be hard to get. I want to be fairly easy to catch and hang on to.

It's a wonder I've ever even had a date at all. Yes, I've had boyfriends. Quite a few, actually. But they must quite literally have x-ray vision to see past my complete lack of flirting grace, being able to fall in love with me in spite of it. Because it for sure wasn't anything I did that was interesting, intriguing, cute, sexy, or inviting that attracted anyone I've ever dated. I'm a complete idiot when it comes to attracting, and keeping a guy. Which is too bad, since I'm definitely a great catch. Once you get past the flirtlessness, that is.

I tend to lose the ability to have conversations with guys I like. Therefore, I come across as being duller than a piece of plywood. Sure, I'm funny enough from a distance, and in groups of people when I can 'entertain' with my vast humor and charm. But up close and one on one, in the Flirt Zone, I literally lose all words with which to form sentences, falling short of portraying my witty and loveable charm. It basically becomes a staring contest, til someone more interesting walks by and lures him away by being able to look good and speak intelligibly at a lever higher than third grade.

I get ultra-self conscious. I immediately have no idea what to do with my hands, or even how to stand. Hands by my side? No, I look like Lurch. Hands on my head? No, I'm not performing a weird dance of any sort. Hands on my hips? No, I am not my mom. Arms crossed? No, I'm not angry. Hands near my face? No, that points out the enormous zit on my chin, forehead, and general face-area. Do I touch his arm? Maybe a playful punch? No, I just bruised him. Call 911. Sorry!

Do I stand up straight and tall? No, now I tower above him. He doesn't want to date a giant. Slouch down? No, he doesn't want to date the Hunchback, either. Why can't I stand still? The swaying back and forth is making him dizzy! Oh, he just passed out! Call 911. Sorry!

I try just 'being seen', getting involved in lots of activities and being around a lot. My plan here is to be seen so much by a guy I like, that he will eventually discover he likes seeing me around a lot, being infatuated with my charm and beauty, so that he would like to see me much more. By that time we have somewhat fallen into dating, skipping over the flirting stage, and then we happen upon marriage, eventually retirement and world travel in an RV. But, my athletic prowess may actually be a hindrance, even though I love to play sports, and 'sports' are where guys generally are. I'm actually too good at too many sports, so that whole 'damsel in distress' thing never works for me. I may unintentionally intimidate guys by being better at sports sometimes than they are. Plus, I'm competitive, which isn't generally attractive in any situation. Although I no longer point and laugh at the losers. Well, not when I'm around a guy I like.

I'm also no good in scary movies or haunted houses. That stuff makes me laugh. Hence, being of no use at all in the 'please, boyfriend, protect me from the scaries' sort of way. I've tried to pretend to be 'freaked out', but it was not a convincing performance.

So now I'm in this fun rut of liking guys, but not knowing what to do about it, and consequently being rewarded with them falling in love with other girls, resulting in maintaining my mega-single status. You know, it's a beautiful thing to watch friends fall in love and hook up and even get married. That's something special, and I say more power to them in their coupleness endeavors. But the single-er I seem to get, and the less single friends I have as I watch them all go off and be couples together, the less fun it is to be single. And I blame much of it on my severe flirt handicap. The more former-single-people-who-are-now-couples there are hanging out together, the less people I have to hang out with, not being of the couple world at this juncture. Plus, I fear I may one day run out of guys to like and entice. At least guys of legal dating age, that is.

I'm all for my independence. That's great and all. But I'd at least like to get past my flirt inadequacies, so that I have confidence that I will not be stuck like this forever. And so that I can be a couple and see my couple-ish friends on occassion.

Who invented flirting anyway? I hate you, whoever you are.

C.T.