Telemarketers, beware
I have big issues with telemarketers. I hate them. All of them.

I am thoroughly offended by people who don't know me, calling me during a peaceful evening at my home and asking for my money.

Be warned, that doesn't mean I enjoy people who do know me, calling me at home and asking me for my money. But you'll have a better shot of getting a happier Tyrant on the phone if I know you and have given you permission to call my phone number.

I've long since done away with Caller ID on my home phone. It's expensive, and most of my calls come to my cell phone, which is thankfully still mostly telemarketer-free. But unfortunately, since I can't tell who is calling when the house phone rings, I have to answer the phone upon ringing. I can't stand the suspense of waiting for the machine to get it. And I hate when the machine picks up and it's someone I want to talk to, but I can't figure out how to get the machine to stop going. It's embarrassing.

All of my phone numbers are on as many Do-Not-Call lists as I can possibly find. Who knows if those are working now, or will ever work in the future. My recent move and change of telephone number has helped cut down on the number of telemarketing calls I get, although lately more and more have found me and the phone has increased in telemarketing calls.

I get a different variety of calls now, being in a house that I own. In the apartment, I would get the usual credit card sales calls, newspaper subscription calls, and other silly things like that. Now I suddenly get calls from people anxious to test my water, or offer me better mortgage insurance. Test my water? Seriously. Do people really buy into that stuff? As long as it ain't brown and it tastes okay coming out of my Brita pitcher, that's all the testing I ever need on my water. Stop calling and trying to make me feel like my water is toxic if you don't come test it for me right now.

Last week one of the plethora of fliers stuck to my front door when I got home one night was apparently a flier from ChemLawn. I throw all of those away, usually without looking through them, as I am equally offended by people who come on my property to decorate my front door with paper that I do not want. A few days after I had apparently received this flier from ChemLawn, I received a message on my machine from the man who said he put the flier on my door. He was calling to schedule a time to come 'chem' my lawn or something. I didn't call him back, of course. My lawn is fine. I take care of it myself.

Last night, he called again. Later in the evening. While I was home. I cursed myself for answering the phone, but I couldn't help it. He asked if he could have the privilege of treating the weeds in my yard. First of all, how offensive is that??? My lawn is relatively weed-free, due largely to the fact that I've spent a lot of time on it, so that it can be weed-free. So for him to call and ask if I can pay him to come take care of my weedy yard seriously ticked me off. Even if my yard was 99% weeds, I would not let him anywhere near it. Thank you very much.

In fact, maybe I will let it get super weedy so he can drive by and wish he'd found a better way to not offend me about my yard.

Now, I understand telemarketing is these peoples' job. But seriously, does it ever work? And do they have to be so annoying about it? I have never purchased from or given money to one person or company who has cold called me, asking for stuff. I hate it. It's all I can do to be polite on the phone long enough to get them off my phone.

The worst is non-profit agencies. They are (for some ridiculous reason) exempt from all Do-Not-Call lists and other rules about telemarketing. They can call anytime they want, as much as they want, apparently.

I am not insensitive, or completely without a heart of compassion. I give money where I think it is needed most, and where my heart really believes. And in fact, I work for two non-profits that thankfully have not adopted the 'calling everyone in the metroplex for cash' campaign, in order to raise funds. But seriously, if these charities really intend to get my attention long enough for them to get me to consider their plea and fork over some of my hard earned money to their cause, there are several rules they should logically follow. These only make sense, and I can't believe so many charities blatantly ignore common courtesy when it comes to cold calls:

1) Never call me on a weekend to ask for money. - Sure, I may be easier to get on the phone on a weekend, but my weekend is MY time to be free from the demands of others, unless I so choose to devote my time to others. Do not invade my serene weekend by asking me to donate money to your fundraiser.

2) Never call me on a weekend BEFORE NOON. To ask for money or otherwise. - Seriously, when my phone rings at 9am on a Saturday morning, and it's the voice of someone I don't consider friend or family, you will endure my wrath. You called and asked for it, so be prepared.

3) Know who has already been called. - This is for all charities and other telemarketers far and wide, but it especially goes out (with love) to the local police department who called me last weekend, once at 9am on Saturday, and then again at noon on Sunday. If I was not interested in giving money for your fundraiser at 9am on Saturday, then you can assume I will not be interested in giving at noon the very next day, even if a different person calls me to ask if I find it important to support my local police department. I do find it important, but I find it more important not to harrass me twice in one weekend about it. And don't ask me if I am sure it was someone from your organization who called yesterday, like I am mistaking you with another charity that called me early in the morning asking me for the very same thing. Yes, I am sure. And I am angry.

4) NEVER EVER call me on a Sunday. - People, this is the Lord's day. If I ever wake up on a Sunday with a yearning in my heart to give you some of my money, I will call you. Save yourself a phone call, and just don't.

There are many more rules that can help this situation, but these are just a few of the major ones.

Remember, a happier Tyrant is more likely to be a generous Tyrant. If the Tyrant ain't happy, you for sure aren't going to be happy with what you get from me.

Much love,
C.T.