Dreams
The other night I dreamed that my sister lived somewhere in North Carolina. She showed up one day having apparently been gone for quite awhile, and somehow it came up that she'd been living in a town I'd never heard of in North Carolina all this time. The whole thing was very real, and seemed to tie up all the loose ends of her absence for so long.

That was disturbing enough, in and of itself. My sister died over four years ago in a car accident, so needless to say when I woke up, I was a little upset because her being in North Carolina is not really the answer to why she's been gone for so long. I was sad to wake up and realize it wasn't real.

In the dream it was all very matter of fact. Like, where have you been? Oh, I've been in North Carolina. That's why you haven't seen me in four years. It made sense to every one.

But what was more upsetting to me about the dream was that in the dream I immediately felt like I didn't want to move to where she lived in North Carolina. For some reason I was about to move, but hearing that my sister lived in North Carolina suddenly made me not want to live near her. Just like feelings I'd had when she was still here and we had our sibling rivalry thing going on.

I don't know why that was my first reaction in the dream. She looked just like she used to look, and everything seemed perfectly normal. But if the dream were something that could actually be true, I don't doubt at all that I would actually be extremely excited to learn she'd only been away in North Carolina for four years, instead of gone completely. I know I would be glad to see her because I can't even put into words how much I miss her right now.

I don't know why I had that dream this weekend. I dream about her fairly often, although not as much as I used to. She's been on my mind a lot lately, with holidays coming up and whatnot. The next few months are a difficult time for me and my family.

But maybe the dream was a way of reminding that even though she seems far gone, she's not really that far away. I've always really only 90% believed she's gone. She was always very dramatic, unpredictable, always able to get attention in some bizarre way. 10% of me has always wondered if she pulled the biggest prank of her life, and maybe she really has just been in hiding somewhere for the past four years, fooling all of us. I see people on TV, or out somewhere who could look vaguely like my sister, and I wonder if that could be her, four years later, waiting for the moment when we'd least expect it to make a grand entrance back into our lives. We could pick up where we left off.

I know that's not true. She's really gone. But still, 10% of me will likely hold onto the hope that the whole thing could possibly just be a big joke on me.

C.T.