My own reality show
After watching way too many reality tv shows than I should, I've decided I need to have my own reality tv show. Why? Because I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't like my job, and I'm not sure what job exists that I would like at this point. If television teaches us anything, I have learned that people followed around by cameras are instantly well-known and probably making at least a little money at it.

Take our beloved Jessica Simpson, for example. I read an article earlier (I forgot where it was or I would link to it) that told the tale of how Jessica was tired of being the pop princess that "wasn't quite Britney or Christina". So to set herself apart, she let cameras follow her around, and that's how Newlyweds was born. A huge hit, and you can bet no one mistakes Jessica for Britney any more. All the show consists of is the 'glamorous' life of two people. We simply watch Jessica and Nick fart around the house.

I can do that.

So, here is my show: It's called Absolute Nobody, since no one knows who I am. I will find someone with a camera or two to just follow me around for awhile. I can do all the things Jessica does, but I am also way funnier in real life anyway, so this is bound to be a hit.

I can mistake grits for cream of wheat. I can do laundry wrong and then cry about it. I can act confused while trying to start my lawn mower. I can stare straight into the water hose and wonder why the water isn't coming out until I accidentally trip over a kink in the hose, after which I get sprayed right in the face. I can cook dinner for a really long time then make some poor guy eat it. The opportunities are endless.

The world can get to know me as I go to work, driving and screaming at traffic. They can watch me hate my job while I'm at work. My facial expressions alone are at least one whole episode.

I can go on adventures, like to the grocery store. Or to Home Depot. I can do projects around the house, like try to refinish my front door, or clean out my gutters.

I can talk on the phone. I can stare at the tv. I can vaccuum. Toilet cleaning, or house cleaning in general will be fascinating to watch on the small screen.

I think the season's highlights will revolve around killing a giant bug in the kitchen, and taking out the trash when the weather turns cold. A Christmas party hosted at my house will also be a highlight, maybe even something that carries over into a two-part cliffhanger. I'm thinking a surprise guest at the party will liven things up a bit.

After the first season of my show, I will be very famous. I will be the spokesperson for toilet cleaner or grits. And then my acting career will take off, because naturally being able to act like myself all the time proves I can act in general. My first role will likely be the role of 'Jo' in the big screen adaptation of the 80's television show The Facts of Life.

Soon I will be on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, after my CD of Jessica Simpson cover songs debuts at #1 on the Billboard chart. I plan to wear nothing but a water hose and go-go boots, with a feather boa to cover what the hose doesn't cover.

Season two of Absolute Nobody will continue to follow my life after I've moved to L.A., buying a large house next door to Nick and Jessica. We'll have BBQ's and talk about shoes and bringing back velour leisure pants. Mid-season I will be Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher in an elaborate scheme involving finding someone who looks almost exactly like me claiming to be the real me in my reality show. I will freak out and throw things into my pool, then chase Ashton around the house while Demi throws darts at my head for coming within ten feet of her man.

The season finale will capture my wedding to some other guy in 98 Degrees, and I will then officially be related to Jessica and Nick. Season three will be the birth of our children, mine a boy, theirs a girl. I see several episodes involving poopy diapers and crying, more from the adults than the kids. Jessica and I will hunt for the matching Louis Vuitton diaper bag to go with her other bag, wallet, and coin purse.

Wow, I have a lot to do. I'd better get started. Anybody got a camera I could borrow?

C.T.