I'm a Fan of Fan Mail
I am highly entertained by the fact that I get fan mail now, as a result of my blog writing. I love it.

Actually, I still can't believe people read my stuff here and like it enough to tell me they like it. It's a whole new thing for me to let people read my stuff, and to write knowing people will probably stumble in here and read a bit. This started out as just a place for me to write, whether anyone else ever read it or not, and in just a few short months I actually have loyal readers who come here regularly. You have no idea how fun that is for me. For awhile I had a nice following in Singapore, and in Australia. How cool is it that I'm international??? And yet many people who know me in my world either don't know I write, or don't frequent what I write very often. It's all very bizarre to me.

Writing is a difficult talent, in the sense of promoting it. It's one of the more personal talents, compared to others. As in, it's a big deal to those who write, but less interesting to others. Unless you have a book published, writing doesn't get a whole lot of attention. I have had many friends who sing or play instruments, so to support them I would attend their concerts and recitals and gigs, to hear them sing or play. I've had many friends who act, so I go to their plays. I even have friends who play sports or run, and I go watch them play or run. Let me tell you, while I love to do those things and it's fun for me to be there and cheer them on, watching running isn't the most exciting thing in the world. But then again, I'm not there to watch the running. I'm there to be a fan and a friend.

I play instruments, and sports. I sing, too. I've even acted, and I wasn't too shabby, if I do say so myself. I've had many concerts and games and plays. And plenty of fans (mostly my parents yelling and clapping loudly) at all those events, cheering me on. So I know what it's like to have fans in that sense.

But when you have a friend who writes, you can't really go watch them, well, write. There aren't really writing 'gigs' in the sense that people attend to watch me produce a blog entry. And I understand how non-exciting it is for someone to hand you a short story, or a novel, or a link to a blog as their display of talent, hoping you'll read it. It's time consuming, and not a thrill-a-minute to sit and read words on a page. It's exciting for me to write, and fun for me to pass it on for others to read, but when your talent is writing, it's hard to get people excited about cheering you on in that endeavor. Even if they love you.

So you see, it's strange for me to have fans for my writing, if that's what I can call you people who enjoy reading what I write. I'm the quiet girl that never says much, usually on the outskirts of the group. I'm the awkward one, never quite sure of what to say or how to be. So more often than not, I don't say or do much of anything that would be noticed. Sure I'm funny and open and personable enough, but it usually takes me awhile to warm up to that in person. I'm cynical and sarcastic because that's often the safest way to go in many situations. Humor is easily received by most. I'm most likeable and at ease when I have opportunity to be funny. My lack of self-confidence has made me one of the funniest people on earth. I can make up for awkwardness by making a good joke.

I think a lot. I watch a lot. I'm introspective a lot, probably too much. Writing is how I put what's in my head into words, how I compensate for lacking the know how to express creativity in other ways. It's easier for me than talking. For that to receive well-wishes from strangers, in addition to people who know me, is truly enjoyable for me. For anyone to get excited about anything I do is pleasantly surprising, and very welcome.

I'm often the one who is forgotten because I don't make a big enough impression to be remembered. I spend most of my life behind the scenes. It's hard for me to connect, and I often don't. I toy around with the idea of attention or stardom, but never know what to do with it when the spotlight shines on me for a brief moment. I'm not the one who stands out. I'm not the one people flock towards. People don't often fight for my attention. I'm the one watching from the side, wondering what it's like to have all of that. Curious, more than disappointed.

I'm not unhappy in the shadows. Some of it is by choice, some of it isn't. Sure, it would be nice to be the hero or in the spotlight or admired by the masses sometimes. But it's almost better when that happens accidentally, instead of when I work or hope for it, because that's when I least expect it and I appreciate it most. And even though I don't have masses of admirers, yet, maybe someday I will. Or maybe I won't. But I'll still write.

From where I am, I have opportunity to observe. Sometimes the view is clearer from the outside and at a distance, rather than in the middle of the hub-ub or as the star of the show. I often have more to write about by watching, rather than creating. I get a clearer, or more interesting picture that way. I like my perspective, and when I don't, I think around it. Sometimes it changes as I change and experience things. I just write what I write, the way I write it and how I see it then.

It's never profound. It's just me. That's why I marvel that people read me, and seem to like it.

So as the shy, quiet, uncertain girl, I love to open my email inbox and see emails from people I don't know, who have stumbled onto my words and thought enough of them to tell me so. I don't get floods of emails, by any means. But I read each one, and reply to most, thankful and amused by the whole thing. Besides the notes from strangers, I am completely tickled and proud when friends and family read my stuff and let me know if they enjoyed it. It's a muted spotlight, not too bright or too big, but just enough for a feel good moment. To be recognized in the shadows helps me feel a little less lost in the crowd. For my voice to be heard in all the hub-ub helps me want to keep speaking, in my own small way. Especially since most of what I write isn't written to be heard. It's just written because I enjoy it. And it's something I need to do.

To those of you who send the notes and leave the comments, thank you. It makes me smile.

To everyone else, thanks for stopping by. I hope you feel your time here was well spent. I'm glad you were here.

C.T.