Grocery Store Obstacle Course
I've noticed an annoying phenomenon in groceries stores lately. Old people take a really, really long time to shop for groceries. And when I say 'old people', no one reading my blog falls into this category, regardless of how old you are.

The other day I went for my big 'grocery shopping trip of the month'. I hate grocery shopping, so I try to do as much in one trip as possible, then not go back until I completely run out of food and my friends quit answering the phone when I call to invite myself over for dinner. While I was shopping the other day, I kept noticing the old people in the store.

First, they park their carts in a cock-eyed fashion, so that it is impossible to get around them. They block most of the aisle. Granted they park their cars this way, too. But that's what the extra-wide handicap parking spaces are for. Cock-eyed parking. In the grocery aisle, not so much room.

So, then you're stuck waiting for them to move out of the way, because if you ask them to move the cart you have potentially opened a can of worms. They have bad hips, and they are generally unsteady on their feet. Disturbing their shopping stance could potentially risk an old person spill onto the floor, all because you are too impatient to wait for them to move their cart in their own, sweet, old time. Knocking over an old person is probably punishable by death in most states. It's best to just wait until they get good and ready to move of their own free will and volition.

But if you get stuck behind an old person blocking the aisle, you are going to be there for a very, very long time. Why? Because old people take an excruciatingly long time to decide what they want to put in their cart. This is what I don't understand.

I'm not quite thirty years old, yet, and I am already pretty set on what I do and don't like to eat. I know where my favorite foods are in the store, and I generally go directly to where these foods are when I shop. Sometimes I discover new things that I like, and sometimes I stop buying things that I don't like anymore. But for the most part, I pretty much know what I want at the store when I go. I make a list, I get the stuff, I'm on my way. There's not a whole lot of decision-making in the process. It's pretty streamlined by now.

So it would certainly make sense to me that by the time you are an old person, say 70 years old, you should definitely know what foods you like and don't like. You've had 70 years to eat, so by now it should be pretty simple to walk into a grocery store and find the products you know and love. You've had 70 years to cook and test things out, so you should pretty much know which food is crap, and which food is good stuff.

Not to mention, after 70 years you should pretty much know how much you spend on food, and how to budget your money. You should also know about how much food you can hold in between shopping trips. So, you should be able to choose between the Heinz Ketsup, or the Great Value Wal-Mart brand Catchup without having to stare at the two catchups/katsups for ten minutes before deciding which one you can afford, or if you should get the personal size Katsup, or the value sized Catchup. You're going to end up with the same catchup you always get, anyway, because you've bought it every two weeks since catchup was invented.

Not to mention, old people probably remember the day the great controversy over the correct spelling (catsup vs. ketchup vs. catchup vs. ketsup) was written in stone and lost in history forever.

Why, then, do so many old people stop in the aisle and proceed to examine every food product on the shelf before deciding whether to buy it or not? It's not like old people are likely to try that new fangled Doritos Zesty Pepper Cheesy Oniony Crunchy Ridgy kind of chips, so why do they have to pick up a bag and ogle it for half an hour before putting it back and reaching for the tried and true saltine crackers? They know they will end up with the saltines. We know they will end up with the saltines. So why the suspense of perusing something new? It's painful to watch, which is the only thing you can do when trapped behind an old person in the aisle.

Don't get me wrong, I love old people. Shopping with my grandmas is actually quite fun because we do it together.

But for the ones I don't know and who get in my way, I almost want to shop for these old people. As I see them come in the door, I want to usher them to a waiting area, grab a cart and their shopping list, then make the rounds through the store and return the cart to them full of food. Ten minutes, tops, start to finish. They can pay for it and be on their way, after having enjoyed a snack of graham crackers and Ensure while watching Wheel of Fortune in the lounge.

Then I can do my shopping without the obstacle course of old people in the aisles. If grocery stores can invent the Self-Checkout Lane under the guise of 'efficiency', surely they can do something about this old people problem.

C.T.