Broken Things and Boogie Men
I love it when everything I touch seems to break. It all started last night.

I went straight home after work last night because I had to mow my front lawn. All of the recent rain had turned it nicely green, and had also encouraged it to grow out of control. Grass was amok everywhere. So, I took advantage of an early evening home, the coolness of the weather, and I broke out the lawn gear and got to work.

So far, nothing broken. To my knowledge.

I finished the brief mowing extravaganza, went inside, cleaned up, and prepared myself for a nice relaxing evening at home. I was very excited. I don't get many of these lately.

I wandered into my office and flipped on the computer. As I hit the on/off button on my cable modem, I noticed the lights on it were blinking in an odd fashion. Now, this was at the same moment that I touched the modem, but I cannot say at this point if my touch here resulted in the modem freaking out at that time. I failed to notice if the lights were blinking prior to my reaching out to touch it. But it was definitely not in working order after I attempted to turn it on, by simply touching the button.

This had happened a few weeks ago. I solved the problem by unplugging the modem, staring at it for a few seconds, then plugging it in again. It worked perfectly. I love fix-it-yourself situations.

So last night I unplugged the modem, stared at it, then plugged it in again. Still the same blinking lights of non-working-ness. I pushed the reset button cleverly hidden in the back of the modem. Still blinking non-working madness.

Oh well. I didn't really need to get online. I'll leave it alone and go find something to eat.

Within thirty minutes I was back to the modem. I just couldn't leave it alone. It bugged me that it wasn't working, even though I didn't intend to be online much for the evening. I preferred to lay on my couch and do nothing. But not until I got to the bottom of the blinking modem situation.

I decided I needed to call the cable company and see what was up. My cable TV was working fine, so I was puzzled as to why the cable modem for my internet would be non-functioning.

I reached for the phone, dialed the number, and waited. And waited. Nothing was happening on the phone. No noises at all. I looked at the phone, hung up, and picked it up again. Hmmm. I discovered I had no dialtone. What, was my phone line broken, too? Good heavens, not more phone problems. . .

I picked up my other phone to determine if it was the phone itself, or if the line was actually out. No dialtone. I went to my bedroom and checked that phone. No dialtone. Either the phone line itself was broken, or I had just broken three phones by touching each of them. I hoped it was the phone line. I can't afford three new phones.

So before I could call and see what's up with my cable internet, I needed to call and see what's up with my phone. What an odd coincidence that the phone and the internet are out at the same time, when the two are technically unrelated. I found my cell phone and called SBC, AGAIN for the 108th time in the month I've lived in my house. I was only able to get their Automated Repair Line. Hmmm. The only thing worse than talking to a real live SBC customer service representative is not being able to talk to the automated phone process thingy. How am I supposed to describe the problem when I can't talk to anyone breathing??

One more reason to hate SBC.

I listened to the prompts and kept pressing '1', and entering my phone number, and my height, and my weight, and the number of miles from my house to the Great Wall of China, and the number of licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop . . . what is with all these questions??? It was odd. I did not understand why the automated phone dude needed to know all of this information to determine what's wrong with my phone. Especially my weight. That's just rude.

Anyway, I pressed a lot of buttons on the phone and finally got to the question of 'What is the problem with your phone line? Press 1 for no dialtone.' That's me! I pressed '1'.

Then it said repairs would be made by 7:00pm on September 5th. Thank you. Good-bye.

Um, that's it? What does this mean? Is someone coming out to repair the line? Will it magically heal itself by 7:00 in two days? What is actually wrong with the line? Do I need to be here for the repair to take place? Am I supposed to wait around for SBC to show up for the next day and a half?

I called the regular SBC phone number, hoping to speak to someone and figure out what I'd just done using the Automated Repair Line. I got the recorded message that their offices were closed, but to call the Automated Repair Line if I needed further assistance. Um, no I actually need further assistance after calling the Automated Repair Line. Seriously, I think one person works at SBC and that person has it out for me.

Clearly there was nothing more I could do about the phone issue, so I used my cell phone to call Comcast Cable about the internet problem. I managed to get a real live person, and I explained the problem. No connection. Blinking lights. He had me shut down my computer, then unplug the modem and stare at it for 10 seconds. Hmmm. I already did that, but I did again for his sake. It didn't work. Lights still blinking.

Then he had me press and hold the reset button on the back of the modem. I did this, too, but as I did it I mentioned to him that I'd already done all of this and nothing had helped revive my modem. He sounded surprised that these miracle cures hadn't worked, and he couldn't find anything else wrong with the line, or with my account. In fact, he mentioned they owed me five bucks. Cool!

So since we couldn't seem to fix the problem between the two of us over the phone, he scheduled a repair person to come check it out on Saturday. He said there may be a charge, but if it's their equipment at fault there won't be a charge. He said it sounded like it was an equipment problem, so there likely won't be a charge. Cool again. Just as long as it's fixed sometime in the near future, without costing me anything. Good customer service. That's all I ask.

I hung up with the Comcast guy, and then I realized it was very dark outside. And my phone was out. And my cable modem was out. And I suddenly was very, very creeped out.

The rule in my new house has been no scary movies, and no creepy TV shows. I tend to like to watch scary things because I'm not easily scared. But that was when living in a third floor apartment, where crime does not occur, and where I had no trouble feeling safe. In a house, all alone, suddenly all of those scary TV shows and movies seem real, and true, and much, much scarier.

My mind began to wander. I was sure someone was waiting outside of my house, having just cut my phone line and cable line, in hopes of luring me out of my house to then steal me, or worse. At this point I was tempted to go outside and look at my lines to see what was going on, because the whole thing still wasn't making sense to me, that both the phone and internet would be out at the same time. I tend to like to get to the bottom of stuff that doesn't make sense. But I forced myself to stay inside, lock all of the doors, and not be the stupid girl in all those horror movies who does the dumb thing by going outside to check things out. How many times had I yelled at that girl on the screen to run away, or stay put, and not put herself right in the trap of the boogie man killing everyone??? I would not be that girl tonight. I was on to the imaginary person outside my house. Can't fool me, boogie dude.

I parked myself on the couch and turned off the TV. Yes, I realized that the TV was still working, so it was highly unlikely that someone had cut the cable line. But that still didn't explain the phone line. Wow, this guy was craftier than I thought . . .

I read a book, all the while listening for sounds of creepy people outside of my house. I got ready for bed, got in bed, and continued reading for awhile. Still listening. I'm pretty sure I heard some scary, unidentifiable, nearly inaudible noises, but I made myself stay in bed. I was determined not to check anything out. When I was a kid, my bed was safe from all the boogie men and monsters. I believed when I was young that if even a toe dangled off the edge, something out in my room could get me. Namely the Wicked Witch of the East from The Wizard of Oz, inspired by the scene when Dorothy's house falls on the Witch and her red and white striped stocking-ed legs stick out from beneath the house. I was convinced the Witch lived under my bed, for the sole purpose of getting me. I would peer over the edge of my bed, fully anticipating seeing red and white striped legs sticking out from underneath. I'm fairly certain the only reason I survived childhood was because I stayed completely on my bed throughout the nights, where she couldn't get me.

Of course, the flying monkeys were a whole other story . . .

Well, the same is true now. The part about my bed being safe, that is. I made sure no toes dangled off the edge of my bed last night, out of reach of any boogie men lurking about. Safety first, as I always say.

When I was sufficiently sleepy from all the reading, I finally let myself call it a night. Before turning out my light, I grabbed my cell phone, hit the numbers 9-1-1 and left the phone beside me on the nightstand, ready to hit 'Send' in a split second should a boogie man interrupt my sleep during the night. Seriously, I did that. I wasn't taking any stupid chances of not being prepared for a sneak attack.

I have quite an imagination. And I've watched too many creepy TV shows.

Anyway, I survived the night, sleeping quite well, actually. And now I wait for my phone and cable internet to be fixed over the next couple of days.

What a pain. Ruined my relaxing evening at home. Stupid Boogie Man . . .

C.T.