Musings on Anger
I watched Upside of Anger today. Not for any particular reason, except that I stumbled across it at Blockbuster and decided to get it.

I really wanted to like it. The first half is painfully slow and borders on ridiculous in some parts. But, there are a few tidbits of conversation and narration that stuck out to me as really profound. These things are really the only things that saved the movie for me. I find myself struggling with anger a lot these days.

Two of my favorite parts of the movie are expressed in the narration from the youngest daughter in the movie. She observes the following about anger and relationships:

People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.

I've seen this to be true for me, and also for others in my life lately. It's like we don't realize when we have a good thing, and we go and ruin it because we get scared. We judge, and back away, without necessarily having all the information to make us less angry.

The second quote that really struck me is this:

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm.

It's true. Anger is easier to fuel than love, or patience. It seems to feed itself, really.

I think the upside of anger for me is that it shows me that I care. Sometimes I am so even, so non-responsive, so generally calm that I wonder what I care about. Does anything affect me? When I get angry about something, that means I care enough to let myself get angry. The upside for me is that I care, and it hurts, and it makes me angry. It's not the best response. And it usually causes me to react in a way I'd rather not react. It's something I need to work on. But, it proves to me that I do have a heart, and it's tender, and soft, and gets hurt, because I care about some things. Deeply.

I've noticed this to be especially true lately, in my world. I'm pissed off. It's not going like I figured it would be at this point. To be as vague as possible, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But, I'm angry. Because it hurts.

My favorite moment in the film is a scene between Denny and Terri. Terri is generally pretty horrible to everyone in her life throughout the movie, but she's hurting, and going through a tough time. And choosing to take it out on everyone who loves her. Finally, Denny has had enough. He says (or yells, rather) this:

"I am so sick of being your bitch. I put up with your shit because I know how much pain you're in. But, it's enough! It's a tall order for a patient mother f***er, and I'm the furthest thing from that, that you're ever gonna lay eyes on."

I have been in that place, with those feelings. In fact, I could have written those lines myself. It breaks my heart that I've gotten to that point. But, I can definitely relate to that frustration. It's a disheartening feeling. Makes you wonder why you invest in the people who are hard to love.

I've also probably been that frustration for others. At some point, there is a statute of limitations on how horrible you can be to people and still attribute it to "going through something painful". After awhile, you are just taking advantage of those who love you. I have to remind myself to be careful of that sometimes.

Denny stays. He keeps trying. And in the end, Terri comes around. His patience and ability to take more than he deserves perseveres. He's not perfect. He doesn't pretend to be. But, he stays.

In the end, I think all we really want in life is for people to stay. Even when we make it near impossible for that to happen. Getting angry about stuff is just a quick way out, and a poor way to handle things.

Overall, not a good movie. I mean, the youngest daughter's name is Popeye, and the movie never covers if that is just a nickname, or if she is really named after a cartoon guy with big forearms who eats spinach. But, the movie has a few good nuggets that make it worthwhile.

It's another thing that makes me think. I like that.

C.T.