Grandmas
Gotta love 'em.

Just when I thought my posts could get more lighthearted and a rough week or so might be over, maybe not so much. I don't really know what to write about this, but tonight I got a call from my dad about my grandma, his mom. Without going into great detail, she's not well. It doesn't look good.

My grandma has lived for the past several years in a retirement apartment in Oklahoma. For awhile, she was great there. I took a few trips up to see her over the past few years. It was good. A lot of repetitive conversations, because she would forget that we'd already talked about something several times. She'd do a lot of typical things that old people do when they start to actually get old. We'd putter around her apartment complex, meeting the same friends of hers that I met each time before. They'd forget they already met me, sometimes by the next meal. Once, I took her the grocery store. That was an adventure. Another time I took her out to eat at a restaurant, outside of her dining hall where she eats all of her meals with the other people in her retirement place. Also, an adventure.

I went up once with my Dad. That was a good visit. They are so cute, dad and Grandma, in her retirement home. We all ate dinner together with her friends in the dining hall, so she could show us off. She loved it.



They weren't easy visits. But generally, I enjoyed those times with my grandma. She would go to bed early, and I would stay up looking through her books of old pictures. Good memories. That side of the family doesn't spend time together anymore. It's nice to see that we once did, when all of us were here to be in pictures.

I stopped getting Christmas cards and birthday cards from her several years ago. I think she forgets me, until I'm there with her. Then it seems to click who I am. Sometimes she'll call my phone number, looking for my dad. But not realizing she's leaving a message at my house and not for him.

Every so often over these past couple of years, we'd get a call from one of my dad's siblings. Grandma wasn't doing well. This was the end. She's not going to make it. But, that's never quite been the case. She's deteriorated over the years, but she stays with us.

It happened earlier this summer. My parents considered cancelling a trip to Hawaii because we were told Grandma was not going to make it. But, dad called her and she seemed fine. He went to visit her a week or so before his hip surgery. She seemed fine.

Tonight, though, it seems different. She fell, she's in the hospital. There was mention of a coma. My dad heard from his two brothers that he never hears from, one in Romania who is now coming home to make funeral arrangements. It seems a bit more real, and serious, this time.

I've had the thought several times earlier this summer that I needed to go visit her. It had been awhile, and I was due for a visit. But for one reason or another, I just never made the drive. Not for any particular reason. It's only about 4 hours. Right now I am regretting that I didn't go. There's no reason why I shouldn't have gone.

My debacle now is if I should go this weekend or not. If I go, it will be just for me. She won't know I'm there. She won't know it's me. It likely won't do anything for her. But, do I go? Do I really need this? Could I even consider it doing it for her, to be there? Do I cancel my plans for the weekend, miss Friend C's going away party, to go there? My last visit with her was good. I can't exactly remember when it was, which I'm feeling right now is pretty horrible of me. But maybe I should leave it at that, knowing I may be up there soon anyway for her funeral.

Gah, these are terrible sentences to write. Any way it comes out, it sounds selfish and insensitive. I wish there was no question of just drop everything and go. Or stay because that's what is best.

I was with my grandfather when he died. It was awful, but also really beautiful to be there for his last breath. I'd never experienced anything like that before. But at that time I felt like I wanted to be there for each family member, when the time came. I don't know if it was more for me or for them that I felt that, and still do feel. But, I have to think if I was the one fading away, on some level it would mean something to me to have family there. I don't know. Maybe it's a selfish thing for me to want to do, or to give. But, it seems important.

I wasn't there for my sister. No one was there. But no one saw that coming. I wish I'd been there, though.

It may or may not be time for my Grandma. She won't ever go back to her apartment. At the least, she'll need full-time care somewhere. I really just don't have the information about the severity of her condition. But, it doesn't sound good.

I often find myself conflicted about what the right thing is to do for people I love. Let them go? Keep the memories I have? Or let nothing come between being there, even if I'm not sure that it matters or not.

Does it matter?

I'm not sure what to do.

C.T.