I don't care about the Emmys
I care about TV. A whole lot. But the Emmys are pretty much a waste of time that could be dedicated to reruns of Rockstar: INXS.

I made it home tonight in time to catch a few last pieces of the Emmys. I usually love awards shows. But the Emmys, well, I just don't care. For as much as I love TV, I am bored nearly to tears by the Emmys.

Tonight I caught the ending credits, as some announcer guy reads through all the credit words that are on screen. Really, why do they do this? Why do they put them on the screen to be read, and then make someone actually read them to me? No one is listening, and no one is reading. And if anyone is, does it really reinforce any important news in the credits that we all need to hear?

No.

Well, maybe.

Tonight something caught my attention. Other than really bad dresses on famous people. I swear, I caught like, 10 minutes of the show, and I counted at least 10 bad dresses. You people are rich. Why can you not dress yourselves in clothing that looks better than the pajamas I'm wearing while I watch you on your fancy schmancy awards show?

I mean, really. Whatever cave they dug Patricia Arquette out of to do this Medium show she does now, please put her back and don't nominate her for any more awards until she can lose 20 pounds, or buy a dress that can hold 20 more pounds than she tried to stuff into the dress with herself. The dress was beyond max capacity, and trying to escape by the looks of the shoulder strap that kept trying to run down her shoulder while she gave her speech on camera. Maybe it was just embarrassed to be seen with Patricia and the rest of the dress, and it was trying to hide.

And, aside from Patricia's dress, just shave her head. NO hair would have been better than the hair monstrosity that happened to her head and made it's way on stage to collect her award. In all honesty, she was less frightening looking in Stigmata.

Anyway, the end-credit announcer guy was reading the legal jargon displayed on my TV screen, all about the technicalities of choosing the Emmy winners. It's a very official process, which I knew because the words were very tiny on the screen, and there were a lot of words filling the screen, and the announcer dude was talking very quickly to get through all of the very tiny, official words, including that all of the winners are chosen by a panel that screens each of the entries.

But, what I heard was:

Blah blah blahbity blahblah blibbityblobbity bloopydoopydoodle . . . Somewhere there is a group of people who get paid to watch a whole lot of TV and then hand out shiny trophies. . . blah ba blah blah blah.

Um, what?

I want that job.

Seriously. How does one get that job? Because I am TOTALLY qualified for any panel that gets to watch TV and then pass judgement on it. I do it everyday. I watch more TV than I have time for, and I always have watched more TV than any normal person should watch. And really, TV shows are made for me - the general public. If anyone should be judging what is good and what is crap on TV, it should be me.

I am an expert.

And, I like shiny things. I would very much enjoy deciding who gets the shiny trophies.

Someone tell me how to get this job. I would be in heaven. And, the quality of TV everywhere would increase manyfold.

C.T.