Nesting
The late-spring cleaning bug has bitten, and I've spent much of my free time at home over the past several days cleaning out my house. I'm getting ready for a garage sale this weekend, so I am making my way through the house, all closets, all bedrooms, soon even the attic, to clear out as much clutter as possible. I call this "nesting".

Surprisingly, even after being in the house only two years, I think I will have quite a pile of crap to sell on Saturday. Where did all this junk come from?

I blame invisible trolls who bring crap in and leave it around when you aren't looking.

Several things about nesting are cool to me:

1. My a/c.
This has nothing to do with the garage sale, but after a couple of weeks without cool air, today's housework has been much more pleasant due to my newly fixed a/c. To whoever invented the a/c, thank you. I have no idea how people survive summers in Texas without it.

2. Reminiscing.
I've refrained from going too far down memory lane, otherwise I would be a pathetic pile of tears in the corner, getting no work done. I tend to keep things for sentimental reasons, and I tend to be overly sentimental about most things. I have scraps of paper and random tidbits of "junk" that I've found over the last few days that can evoke a memory, a smile, a tear just by seeing them again after digging them out of a closet or a drawer. Sometimes it's nice to take time to remember things, events, people, places, times in our lives. And then it's nice to move on.

3. Closure.
I've finally gotten to a point with some things that I can now throw them away, or sell them. I hang on to things for a long time. Not necessarily because I think I might use it again. But because it meant something at one point. Today especially, I've been able to let go of quite a few things that I have looked at during previous house clean-outs, and chosen to keep, being unable to let it go just yet. It feels good to set it free, and to set myself free from what tied me to keeping it around just because I couldn't let go, yet.

4. Renewal.
It's like a cleansing process, really. I bought the house so I wouldn't have to move every couple of years out of apartments that get old, or gross, or because the rent gets too high. So, even though I haven't moved, cleaning out closets, moving things around, removing things that created too much clutter is almost like getting a new house. Rooms are different. I don't like change very much, but every once in awhile it's nice to have a fresh perspective on your own space, even if the space itself hasn't changed.

5. Growing up.
This is the first garage sale I've ever had, on my own, in my own house. I'm like an adult or something. In fact, my parents are bringing stuff to sell at my garage sale, as opposed to all the garage sales we've had in the past when I've brought my few pathetic pieces of junk to their sale. Of course, the stuff they've brought to my sale is "fancy" junk. Much fancier than mine. But still, it's my first garage sale at my very own house. Feels very responsible-like.

I'm selling my big computer desk. It's a desk my dad bought, I think when I was in highschool, for his computer. I got it as a hand-me-down a few years ago. I've always hated it because the drawer on it was at just the perfect height that every time I turned my chair to get up, my knee would smack directly into the pointy corner of the desk. At long last, it will be the end of my bruised knees due to computer work.

This weekend I moved the computer back to my old desk, and moved the computer desk out of the way. Actually, the old desk was my uncle's desk in college, then it was my dad's, and then it was mine since I was a kid. It has traveled with me almost everywhere I've ever lived. The drawers have held a random variety of things over the years. And still, it is in great shape. It's solid, like back when they made furniture out of real wood. It's not pretty, but to me it is one of the coolest things I own.

It's a terrible computer desk. Obviously when it was made, back when my uncle used it in college, it wasn't designed for computers. Desktop computers had not been invented, yet. There's not enough room for the monitor to sit straight, and as far as ergonomics go, this whole set-up is about as anti-ergonomic as a desk can get.

It's not a large desk, but it is taller than the computer desk, as far as the surface area for working. So, here I sit typing. The keyboard is a little too high up. I feel almost like a kid sitting at a desk that is too tall for me. I've had to raise my desk chair to make this set-up work.

But, I am strangely content and at peace right now. I love being back at my old desk. I love this set-up. It is simplified. The rest of the room is a wreck, and it's driving me nuts. I want the new arrangment to be set-up and presentable, but I can't finish the room until the other desk is moved out and I have the full room to work with again after the garage sale. But I have my familiar desk, free of clutter. I haven't really used the desk in awhile. I'm glad to have it back.

I've downsized my office furniture, even though the desk makes me feel smaller. I'm clearing out the unnecessary, keeping only things I use or look at or really want to hang on to, or need. I'm focusing. I'm removing.

I'm enhancing.

I'm nesting.

I'm not a super Star Wars freak or anything. But I finally saw Star Wars: Episode III over the weekend, so that I am no longer the only person in the world who hasn't seen all six films. I enjoy them well enough. But out of everything in this final movie, one thing has stuck in my head. Yoda is talking to Anakin about how the anger is starting to consume him and lead him towards the dark side. He points out to Anakin that fear is ruling his thoughts, his emotions, his life. Anakin is afraid of losing Padme, his love.

Yoda says this (not word for word, but you'll get the idea): "Train yourself to let go of all the things you fear losing." His point is that instead of being afraid to lose, be okay enough to lose.

It's so simple. And so true. And as much as I hate to admit gaining a bit of wisdom from a tiny green muppet, I've thought about that sentiment a lot over the past few days. I get so scared of losing the things, the people who are important to me. I lose focus. I over-work. I over-fix. I get selfish. I ruin things. I fail. I'm afraid.

Letting go. Refusing to live in fear. Not fighting so hard to hang on to the things we don't want to lose. The fear will take over and ruin what you're fighting for anyway. And if we're ready to lose the things we fear losing, if we know we're okay without them, we're okay. We think we are fighting for what is right, for what is best. But really we are chasing what is only fueled by fear.

We just don't have control, ya know? The things and people we have that we don't want to lose, they're just a gift anyway. Enjoy them. Be thankful for them. Don't try to keep them.

I'm nesting.

C.T.