I am so unbelieveably tired.
But for the past 30 minutes I have seriously doubted whether I would ever get to sleep at all tonight. Here's the story.

Spring and summer are my favorite times of year. I love everything about it. Except one thing:

Roaches.

These disgusting creatures come out in full force during the warmer months, and I hate them with everything that I am. No exception.

Now, it's not like I have a roach problem. I've lived in my house for two years and I have seen maybe 10 roaches. I don't even think that many. Yes, the big disgusting "water bug" type of roaches. I do live in Texas, after all.

I'm holding out on hiring professional pest control services, because I am poor. I prefer the Home Depot remedies of roach traps, Amdro for ants, and Ortho Home Perimeter spray for all other things buggy. My house is fairly bug-free. I see the occasional spider and random crawly thing. I have those tiny spiders in the corners. And then there are the roaches for a few months out of the year.

Again, only a few. Bugs in my house are fairly under control.

Now it is worth mentioning that every roach I have seen in my house, I have killed. Every. Single. One. I do not rest until I have tracked it down and smacked the crap out of it with a shoe. No roach has escaped me. I am very proud of this. I cannot stand knowing there is a roach loose in the house if I have seen one.

Of course, I realize that for every one roach I see it probably has 15 buddies laughing at me inside the wall. But I prefer not to think about that.

Anyway, I got home late tonight from another night of working on a very special project that will debut at church on Sunday. I arrived home at about 10:45, after a full day at my day job, plus several hours working on the super spectacular, extra cool project that will emerge on Sunday.

Very tired. I hadn't even had dinner, yet.

So, I walk into my office in my house, sit down at the computer (even though I've been at a computer literally all day today), and I check my email. It's my "getting home" routine, even though I know that I have no email, I don't want to read it if I do, and I want to do anything but look at a computer screen anymore today. My next plan is to change into my pjs, eat something that takes less than 5 minutes to prepare and consume, then go to bed. I estimated I could be in my bed in 17 minutes.

Then I felt something scurry over my foot.

I proceeded to leap about 8 feet into the air, take off my ultra comfortable, just-bought-today flip-flop that has now been desecrated by something scurry-ish, and scream. I looked down (hoping it wasn't a mouse - my house is mouse-free!!), and saw a gigantic brown roach scurry towards the wall under my desk.

Oh, for the love.... it is 11:00 at night. I just want to go to bed!

I carefully set aside my wonderful new flip-flops and went in search of my outdoor, roach-smacking flip-flops. The difference is that the new flops I can wear to work on Fridays, and to many, many places. The outdoor flops are reserved for being in the yard, and smacking bugs. It's a very important distinction.

I returned with the roach flop just in time to see the roach scurry further behind my desk, heading towards a giant pile of junk mail and receipts on my floor. This pile of stuff is headed towards my shredder and then to the trash, but I have been "not having time" to deal with it for so long, it's a pretty huge pile of stuff. Perfect hiding place for a disgusting roach.

SO disgusting, in fact, that I could hear him back there rustling around.

AAAACCCKKKKKK!

I composed myself for a minute, then headed into the corner, beginning to move stuff out of the way. I picked up my guitar case (yes I have a guitar. no I don't know how to play it)... only to find that the roach was hanging onto the other side of it.

I screamed again and threw the guitar case down. The roach ran back into the pile of paper. How he got to the guitar case so quickly and without me seeing him, I will never know. But by now I was extrememly mad.

And still super tired.

I started picking through the pile of paper again. I decided now was as good a time as any to begin shredding this stuff that needed to be shredded. Sure, it's after 11pm and I'm still in my work clothes. But why not start shredding this pile of paper that has been sitting here for a month or so?

Have I mentioned that I hate roaches???

I begin making my way through the pile... when I feel something scurry across the heel of my foot.

Son of a... he came from behind!!

I watched him run towards the other wall, then along the wall, and pause to look at me. He had made me think he was in the pile of paper, all the while planning a sneak attack from behind.

Cheeky little bugger....

But before I could head him off with my smacking flop, he ran into the closet.

OH, FOR THE LOVE!!!! I will NEVER get him out of the closet!!

I was beginning to see that I desperately need to clean my house. So much clutter, tons of dust and cob webs. It's a roach's paradise, pretty much.

I dropped the flop and went to fetch the "perimeter" bug spray. I sprayed down the entire room, including all of the floor in front of the closet. Surely this will at least keep the roach in the closet, where he will then die from the bug spray. Plus, I sprayed in the closet. He should be dead within minutes.

Not feeling confident that the roach would, in fact, be dead in a few minutes, I left the room to change into my pjs. Now, this is a tricky thing to do. I can believe the roach will stay in the closet and die like a good roach, even after I leave the room. But in reality, the second I turn my back on that closed closet door, that roach could literally be anywhere in the house. Running free.

Yep, I'm never going to be able to go to bed tonight... can't rest until I see that roach very dead.

I changed into my pjs, washed both of my feet - twice, grabbed a bowl of cereal using milk that is 5 days out of date (my day just keeps getting better...), and headed back to the Roach Room. I wanted to blog about my adventure, at least long enough to keep myself awake to make sure the roach didn't reappear. I didn't really want to be in this room, with my cereal, with the roach. As far as I'm concerned, this whole room is contaminated with roach cooties. But, I didn't feel comfortable or safe going to bed.

You know the minute I get under the covers in my bed, the roach is going to scurry across my head or something.

YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!! IT'S WHAT THEY DO!

So, I sit at the computer and I check the weather for tomorrow. No sooner had I clicked on Blogger to get started with my post, then I see the roach scurry by me and into the hall.

AAAH!! He's left the room!!

I put down the cereal, pick up the roach flop, and begin turning on every light in the hall, the foyer, everywhere. This roach will not escape me! I have not lost one yet!!

No matter what occurs... I will find you!!

Best. Movie. Ever.

Anyway, I open the closet in the hall because I think that's where he ran. From one closet to the next. Apparently I have a gay cockroach on my hands....

I don't see him in the closet.

I check the hall. I check the living room. I am armed with a flip-flop.

I am so tired.

THEN.... I see him on the door frame of the closet. He blends in with the wood paneling, but I see him nonetheless.

All I need is one second. I raise the flop... and that's it. Lights out for the roach.

He fell to the floor.

HA! Victory is mine, you cheeky little bugger!!

Great. Now I have to dispose of it's squished carcass.

I grabbed my dustpan and broom, swept him in, and deposited him in the trash. He was still moving.

Blech.

I am now worried about the following things:
1. He isn't entirely dead, and he will somehow climb his way up the trashbag and out of my tall kitch trashcan (even thought the lid is snapped shut), drag himself to my room, and somehow kill me with my own flop in the middle of the night. He'll probably use my new fabulous flop, just to spite me.

2. The roach I squashed with the flop just now is not the same roach that terrorized me tonight. It was a decoy. A sacrifice roach, if you will. Sent out by the mastermind roach to make me think I had killed the right roach, when in fact, it was the wrong roach. Once I fall asleep later, the right roach will then creep into my bedroom and kill me with my flop.

3. All of the roach's buddies will exact their revenge on me by first, scurrying all over me throughout the night. And second, continuing to do this until I go insane, or become one of them.

4. I will still not get to sleep tonight because I am so tired, yet so worked up. It's my third night up past midnight in a row. I'm not really sure how I'm still functioning right now. All of this typing could be complete gibberish. As opposed to incomplete gibberish. Because good gibberish is complete.

Maybe I imagined the whole roach thing because I'm so delirious from lack of sleep.

I will attempt to go to bed now.

This weekend you will find me cleaning my house from top to bottom.

And next Saturday I am having a garage sale to get rid of all the superfluous roach hiding places that are currently in my house.

C.T.

P.S. This story just happened. Like, an hour ago. You've seen it here before it hits the major news outlets.