More Grocery Store Shenanigans
It's always an adventure shopping for groceries. It's quite a process, really. There was the cone incident, of course. And this past weekend, I found more things I couldn't find and issues I have with grocery shopping. Here's the story.

I do 'big' Wal-Mart grocery shopping about once every six weeks. I buy in bulk so that I don't have to go through that process very often. I hate Wal-Mart, but I also love it. It has lots of fun things for cheap, but it's a hassle to go there and spend any amount of time buying things for my survival. But with the invention of Super Wal-Mart, I can get both groceries and other random items all at the same time. Very convenient.

The signal for these big Wal-Mart trips is the lack of toilet paper in my house. When I run out of toilet paper, this is the sign that it's time for Mega Wal-Mart Shopping Trip Extravaganza. I buy tons of toilet paper at a time. I live alone. When the toilet paper is gone, I seem to also coincidentally be out of many other things. It's a good system.

These trips start with a list. A long list. I've learned the hard way never to shop without a list if there are more than three things that need to be purchased. Otherwise, I will forget at least two of the three things, and it becomes a frustrating waste of time.

I wander around the house, writing down everything that is empty, or nearly empty, or will be empty within the next six weeks. This is serious. I don't like to make superfluous trips to Wal-Mart in between Mega Shopping Trips. It's a waste of time. Get it all done in one shopping trip, or else do without.

I'm very strict.

Once I have my list, then I search through my coupons. I love coupons. It's debatable whether using them actually saves any money. Especially when you are required to buy two of one item to use the coupon. I live alone. There is only so much toothpaste I can physically go through in a year's time. But I'll buy two giant tubes of toothpaste if I have a coupon. It's the perception that I'm probably saving a few cents in the long run.

I grew up in a household of coupon clipping. It was instilled in me at an early age. Therefore, I am a serious coupon shopper. Every week, I clip coupons from the Sunday paper. I put them in a box and save them. Then on Mega Wal-Mart Shopping day, look out. I'm showing up with coupons.

Once I have my list and my coupons, I head off to Wal-Mart. There I will spend the next forty-five minutes to an hour wandering up and down almost every aisle. I do toiletries first, then I head to food and household supplies. This weekend I also hit Lawn & Garden, and Automotive. Plus One-Hour Photo. It was a full Wal-Mart experience.

Inevitably, I overlook things on my list. I'll miss a toiletry item, head over to the other side of the store where the food shopping commences, then realize I forgot deodorant. This means I'll have to trek back across the store, dodging small children and mothers in tight spandex pants who are not paying attention to their children, to fetch the deodorant. By this time my shopping cart is full and heavy and hard to maneuver. But, I can't leave without the deodorant. It will throw off the whole system.

This past weekend, I needed raisins. I can NEVER find raisins when I need them. Every time I buy raisins, it's because I'm wandering an aisle looking for something else, and there they magically appear. I grab them when I find them because I know they will disappear if I come back to find them. When I look for them, I've discovered I have no idea where they are. Much like the ice cream cones a few weeks ago, I looked all over Wal-Mart for raisins. I looked on the canned fruit aisle, the snack aisle, and every aisle in between. I even went back over the other side of the store where the candy is, yet still came up empty handed in my quest for raisins.

I also couldn't find diced chicken. I found every other kind of random chicken imagineable. But no dice.

Eventually, as I watched the butter that I found without any problems begin to melt in my cart, I had to make the decision to give up and head home. It was a tough choice. I never like to leave an item behind. But, I had to do it.

Then comes the challenge of finding a checkout lane that won't last forever. I always choose the wrong lane, so I don't even know why I bother wasting the time to try choosing what appears to be a faster-moving lane. They always come to a halt, have a price check, and sometimes spontaneously combust the second I get in line. Seriously. Don't ever get in line behind me. You'll be there all day.

I eventually pay for my stuff and heave the over-flowing cart to the Jeep. Once home with my Mega Stash of Groceries, I put everything away. Then comes the next most important part of the grocery shopping experience, for once I'm home from Wal-Mart the adventure is only half over.

I have to take my list and make a NEW list of all the items I either forgot or couldn't find at Wal-Mart. This list goes with me the next day to the grocery store, so I can complete the shopping adventure in a smaller, less chaotic environment. It can't be done all in one day. My head would explode.

So, the next day I went to the grocery store, in search of raisins and diced chicken and other random items, remaining coupons in tow. My first and major recurring issue at the grocery store (not so much at Wal-Mart) is shopping cart selection. I don't know why, but it's always a problem at the grocery store.

Here's what I've learned about cart selection. Never, EVER go for the lone cart standing by itself. This cart is bad, usually with a funky wheel or with some sort of goo on the handlebar. One too many times I've fallen for that ruse, only to be stuck with a cart that won't drive straight or gives me sticky hands the entire time I'm shopping. It's tempting, but leave it alone. It's NEVER a good cart.

Next, don't go for the longest line of carts. This usually means the lead cart that you would grab is wedged into the other carts too tightly. You'll grab it and pull it towards you, only to have five or six carts come after you, pinning you to the wall or running you right over. Or worse, no carts will come loose at all. You'll stand there pulling the cart, and nothing will move. It always makes lots of noise and creates lots of attention for you, and you'll never win. That cart is wedged in there forever. Leave it alone.

Your best option (and the one I'm finally learning to take) is the line of carts that has the fewest carts and is the shortest line. This usually indicates that people have been able to get carts from this line, so start there. Be careful backing out with the cart, though. They are tricky in reverse, especially when in between two longer lines of carts. You don't want to get stuck in there. Sometimes, there's no way out and you have to live in the cart corral forever. Trust me. I've seen it happen.

So, I get my cart, I wander the store. I get my few items, including the raisins which were on the canned fruit aisle (as they should be), and the diced chicken which was by the rest of the random chicken stuff. I produce my two remaining coupons at the checkout counter, not caring that it's stupid to only use two coupons, and I head back out to the Jeep.

Finally, after two shopping trips, my grocery needs are met for the next few weeks. Oh, I'll go to the grocery store about once a week for fruit and milk. But otherwise, I'm done.

I just can't handle this sort of thing more often than that.

My head would explode.

Thank goodness for bulk toilet paper.

C.T.