SBC, Part Deaux
I've already chronicled this SBC nightmare. It was a much scarier nightmare, I'd guess, than the new Freddy vs. Jason movie will be.

By the way, does anyone else not care who wins Freddy vs. Jason? Even if they die they'll be back again in another movie next year, Freddy's Severed Claw Hand vs. Jason's Headless Hockey Mask. Sheesh. It never ends.

Anyway. Sure enough, the bill I received yesterday from SBC was all, completely, horribly, emphatically, definitely wrong. In so many ways. The main thing being they charged me for another month of DSL service, which was supposed to have been canceled weeks ago. Plus some other phone charges that I think have already been cleared up, but I'm not sure. It's quite a messy bill. Random charges and credits everywhere. They definitely do that on purpose, so that you'll give up trying to figure it out and just send a check for the large amount at the bottom of the page without protesting.

Alas, I doth protest.

They toyed with me over the phone stuff a few weeks ago. But I'd completely forgotten they could still come at me with DSL issues, too. DSL had been strangely quiet and problem-free, so far. They must have been lying in wait. Come to think of it, I still hadn't received the mailing labels they told me they'd send so that I could return my DSL modem to them. Being sure to send it within 15 days, of course, or I would surely be charged for something.

So, today I had to call SBC again. Except it's a different number for the DSL people. Why they need a whole extra crew to mess up DSL customer service, I don't know.

I was sincerely hoping that in the past few weeks SBC had relocated all of their customer service people, both for phone and for DSL, and replaced the entire throng of customer service drones with brain-having, thinking-capable, people actually able to serve customers. But, no. It is not so.

I sat on hold for an exceptionally long time today. When you first call, you have to type in your phone number. I picked one of the phone numbers I've had over the past few weeks, and I'm sure then they knew it was me. They left me on hold for a long time to think about it. Pure torture.

Today's SBC on-hold soundtrack: an uber-cheesy, saxophone-lead Muzac version of "Let's Get it On"

Hmmm. What was SBC trying to tell me??

Finally someone picked up my call, and I was greeted with, "Thank you for calling SBC. How can I make you a very satisfied customer today?"

Hmmm. Let me count the ways. Way #1 being go away and let me come down there and handle this myself.

I began to explain the superfluous charge on my bill for an extra month of DSL service that was supposed to have been canceled on July 25. I then went on to explain that I was told to mail the DSL modem back to SBC within 15 days using the mailing labels SBC was supposed to send me, yet I had not received any such labels. I didn't want to be charged for still having the modem, but I can't send it back without their special labels.

She said she would take care of the billing issue first. She was very perky. It was very annoying.

She then said the billing cycle ended on July 10, so I would have to pay for service from July 10 through July 28, and that was less than the full month of service being charged on my bill. I said no, my service was specified to be cancel on July 25, so I would be glad to pay for July 10-July 25, but only that. If the service went on til July 28, that was their failure to cancel it on the right day. Plus, I didn't have a working phone line until way after July 28, so even if my DSL was still working on the 28th, there is no way I could have used it. She said okay, and credited me $3.00. Score one for me.

Then she asked me what kind of modem I had. I said I didn't know. She said she needed to check to see if it was a super-duper special something or other modem, in which case I would definitely need to send it back. But if it wasn't that kind of modem, I could keep it. She said she wasn't sure why they told me to send it back, unless they just gave me that as an option. I wanted to say it was because SBC is #1 in customer service reps who have no idea what they are telling their customers, sometimes even making stuff up just to perpetuate a problematic situation. But I actually just said no, they said I had to send it back, and they said there would be a charge if it wasn't back in 15 days. She needed to check with a Super Duper Modem Specialist Manager, which she just happened to have with her there in the office. Would I mind holding?

Of course not. Let's Get it On.

She came back after a few minutes and said that yes, I could in fact keep my modem. She was very excited for me. I asked her if she was sure that I wouldn't be charged for it. She said no, it's mine to keep. No charge. Great, now I have a chunk of computer equipment that is completely useless to me. Ain't no way I'm using SBC DSL ever again. Maybe I will hang the modem on the wall and throw darts at it.

She then asked me if there was anything else she could do for me. I said no, I think that's it. She asked if I would like to be transferred to the phone department to talk to someone about the phone charges that are wrong.

I said no, I don't have time for that right now.

I think I will do my own figuring on my phone bill this time. SBC has done enough damage already.

C.T.