Fear of the Known
Fear is a funny thing. Not funny 'ha-ha'. Funny scary.

Sometimes I'm amazed at the things that scare me. I have some weird personal fears that are not things people are often afraid of. But then, isn't all fear unique and personal?

Today I'm afraid of allergies. Sure, that sounds weird. But it has a history.

During my freshman year of college, I had a chronically stuffy nose. It seemed it was stopped up on the left side almost all of the time. It was annoying, but then I got used to it. And eventually I was very annoyed again.

I have a huge fear of not being able to breathe. This comes from having asthma at a very young age. If you've never known the feeling of suffocating, or not being able to get enough air into your lungs to be comfortable, just know that this is a scary thing. Especially for a four-year old kid who doesn't understand why she can't breathe. I made many trips to the hospital as a youngster, from asthma attacks, to bronchitis, to pneumonia, and sometimes all at once. As cute as I was as a sick kid in a hospital bed, it wasn't so much fun for me.

So I've always had a fear of not being able to breathe. I hate water deep enough to cover my head for this reason. Sometimes I have enough trouble breathing outside of water where people should normally be able to breathe well. The thought of holding my breath underwater where I couldn't get a good breath if I suddenly needed one, well, that's just over-the-top scary.

Along with asthma comes allergies. Actually allergies are usually the trigger for asthma problems. I'm literally allergic to everything in the air, except for cat dander. Too bad I can't stand cats. I'm perfectly okay to be around them.

So during my freshman year of college when I noticed that my nose was perpetually stopped up on one side, I figured it was an allergy thing. Probably something simple which would require some antibiotics, and I'd be cured. Gosh, that would have been nice.

I made it home for the summer and shortly thereafter made a trip to the doctor. He couldn't quite figure out what it was, so he sent me to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. This guy discovered that I actually had a very major infection blocking the airways of my head. Not just a stuffy nose. A nearly completely stopped up head. Something that antibiotics and blowing my nose would not fix.

He recommended surgery to remove the infection and to straighten out my deviated septum, which was blocking the pathway out of my nose, consequently keeping stuff up there that didn't belong there. He estimated it could wait until Christmas vacation. Incidentally, a deviated septum correction is not the same as a nose job, so don't even start with the 'nose job' jokes. . .

A few weeks later, I was scheduled for a follow-up visit to the ENT, but he unfortunately had a major heartattack about that time and was forced to have quadruple bypass surgery. So I was referred to another doctor. And this turned out to be a blessing for me. Sorry, doc.

The new ENT took one look at my x-rays and at me and said I had to have surgery immediately. This could not wait. Although not knowing how long the infection had been there, it had grown so much that it had nearly completely cut off the airflow in my head. It is important for air to flow through the sinus cavity and throughout the head so that we humans can, in fact, breathe. The new ENT felt that if I waited til Christmas, well, to put it simply and bluntly, I would have a merrier Christmas if I was still around to experience it, and breathe.

Hmmm. Let's have some surgery!

After a very painful surgery and recovery for several months, I was then tested for allergies. At that time we learned I'm allergic to everything. On earth.

The next step was allergy injections, or immunotherapy. Simply put, they inject you with everything you are allergic to so that your body builds up an immunity to it and eventually you aren't affected by it anymore. The goal was that at the end of the process, I would be essentially allergy free, and hopefully by curing my allergies, whatever had triggered the infection in my head would not be a factor in causing that to happen again.

While I'm sure multiple injections sounds fun to you, I assure you it wasn't. It was at least a three-year process, starting with a shot in each arm, twice a week for a year. Then once a week for the next two years. I was pretty much a human pin cushion for three straight years.

But, it worked. I've spent the last two years relatively sneeze-free. It's been wonderful! For the first time in my life I can be outside and not tear up from whatever is floating around in the air, but instead from the joy of being outside and enjoying it. Sure, some things still bother me, like dust and smoke. But I'm truly relatively allergy-free, for two years straight. They should give out a chip or pin or something for that.

So why am I afraid today of allergies? Because I've sneezed more than usual the last few weeks. The new house, the new environment, the many hours spent out in the dusty, grassy yard, the fumey, dusty painting I've been doing. I fear it has re-awakened the dormant allergic reactions inside me. Last night was a bad night. Sneezing, running nose, itchy throat. I began to fear I'd have to visit the doctor again. Not that he isn't a very nice man in a series of four-or-so doctors who has helped me a lot. But my last trip to his office was a very happy day for me, and I hoped to never have to see him again.

I used to be able to tell pretty quickly if I was suffering from allergies, or from a cold, or from a sinus infection. I'd suffer from all of these pretty regularly, so I was good at determining the differences between them. Now it's been so long since I've had a sinus infection, or trouble with allergies, I worry when the funny business starts up again. The thought of more allergy injections is very depressing. My arms are finally recovered from that holey process. And the thought of another surgery to remove another infection that may have started again is just simply heart-breaking. I want to be cured for good. The first time.

This morning I awoke feeling absolutely awful. And I was so happy! My throat hurts, my head is stuffed up, and I have a cough. I was thrilled! No, I'm not crazy. But all of these signs point to a cold, and a cold will go away in a few days.

A cold sucks. But it's the lesser of three evils, and the one that scares me the least.

C.T.