Down with a certain local phone company
Reading through parts 1-9 of this, I remembered a recent harrowing, yet admittedly less horrendous tale of my own. We'll call it Why SBC Might Be Satan.

I've recently moved, which meant one of the things I had to do was transfer my home phone and DSL service. Now, the only reason I have a home phone in the first place is because a phone line is required for the DSL service. There was a time in the recent past where I was home phone-free, using only me cell phone as my all-round phone. I had a cable modem. Life was grand. It was a bit scary at first, but I went almost a year without a home phone line. Never had a problem. However, when I moved the last time I had to switch to DSL, and therefore had to cave and get another phone line.

So, with my latest move to my new house, I decided just to keep the phone line and DSL, instead of switching back to the cable modem. Why? Just because it's a hassle to switch, especially with set-up fees and whatnot. I called SBC to arrange everything. This is when the trouble began.

I've been an SBC customer off and on for many years. I've never had a problem. They have thousands of phone customers around town, I'm sure. So it would seem switching service from one address to another is likely a pretty routine, fairly common occurrance. Of course, I've often wondered how this doesn't create a problem more often, and how they manage to keep track of all those numbers and addresses and orders. But they've proven to be very accurate, and after all, they are phone people. That is their business. It would make sense that they would be good at it.

However, I was soon to find out that many years of good SBC customer service was about to come back around and reward me with a week long mess of the worst customer service ever.

Calling to transfer the phone service started out fine enough. In fact, I was really excited at how things were going. They were set to switch my current phone service, as is, not adding any extra features that I don't need, and I would even get to keep my current phone number and area code. The phone helper person checked and verified and called another department and double checked that I could, in fact, truly keep my same phone number. This would make my grandmother very happy, since she has never managed to get my phone number right since I've had it the past year or so. There would be no need to confuse her with yet another phone number change.

So, I got the phone switch set up with the polite helper person, and she then switched me to the DSL department so I could arrange to switch my DSL service. I gave the DSL rep my new address, and this is when things turned sour. The DSL helper person got quiet for a bit. Then after a series of 'Hmmms' and 'Oh dears', she put me on hold saying she needed to check something before she gave me the bad news. Bad news? Does my new house not qualify for DSL? Did my name come up in the SBC hit lottery? I sensed impending doom, and all I could do was sit and listen to the piped on-hold music, and wait.

She came back after a few minutes and said that what she feared was true. First of all, you never want to hear that from a customer service person. If THEY fear it, how is that supposed to make the customer feel?? She said my house was in a special area of service, and she said something about the distance from the house to the phone line, and a bunch of other technical mumbo jumbo. All of which resulted in additional hardware, requiring a spiffy technician to come out to the house and add an alien satellite receiver probe thingy, for the small fee of $200. What?? Um, no. First, I don't want to attract aliens to my home. And second, I'd prefer not to pay $200 for a technician. I'd originally installed the dang DSL myself for free, so I'm not about to pay for a technician to come mess around with anything this late in the game.

I asked if there was any way around it, since I'm a long-time customer. She said no. She also mentioned they have been losing a lot of business lately because of this, and there is nothing she can do if I want to have DSL at my house. So I very politely said I'd be calling Comcast Cable to check on their offers, and I'd likely call back later the same day to cancel my DSL. Ha! Take that, alien receiver lady. She said she understood. But to quit calling her 'alien receiver lady.'

After a conversation with Comcast, in which they rolled out the red carpet for me and offered me a deal I couldn't refuse, I called SBC back to cancel my DSL. So at this point, I was set to have my phone switched over in one week, keeping my same phone number, and canceling the DSL on the same day. Simple, right? Wrong. Oh so very, very wrong.

Nearly a week later, the day before my phone service was to switch, I arrived at my apartment to a series of messages on my machine from SBC saying a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense. They wanted to know if was moving in with someone. Another message asked for my landlord's name, phone number and address. All of these calls were from different customer service reps, and it was all very confusing. I didn't understand why SBC needed to know my roommate situation. Did one of these reps want to move in with me? I determined the calls were to alert me that there was a problem with the phone service switch, so I called the number they left.

Apparently they discovered that the previous owner of my house had never turned off her phone service, which happened to be with Verizon. And this was causing a major problem for SBC. Once I got over being very mad that I hadn't realized the phone was still hooked up in someone else's name, and I hadn't made any long-distance calls to China while I had the opportunity to do it for free, I explained to the SBC rep that I had bought the house, I was not moving in with anyone, there is no landlord, and I just need my phone service hooked up tomorrow. Apparently this was still a problem.

SBC has to get permission from Verizon to release the phone line. This takes time. So the result was that my phone would not be hooked up the next day, and since the day after that was Saturday, it would not be hooked up until Monday. Ok, this was no big deal. I still have the trusty cell phone. I can do without the other phone for a few days. I did, however, find it odd that it took SBC a week to figure out this problem, forcing a delay of my new phone service. But I also realized the problem initiated with the previous owner of the house, who must not be too concerned about having a phone wherever she was going. So very odd. I didn't blame SBC entirely.

Monday came around, and still no phone service at the house. I'm beginning to get annoyed. Fortunately I don't need the phone line for internet access, because Comcast came and set that up the week before, no problem. Well, only a minor problem. They were late, which was okay because it resulted in a free installation fee for me, due to their tardiness. Needless to say, I'm so far a big fan of Comcast.

I called SBC Monday evening to see what was going on with the phone, and they said it was taking longer than expected to work with Verizon on freeing the phone line. Why Verizon would be holding my phone line hostage made no sense to me. It's not like I'm going to pay the previous owner's phone bill to keep that line. But SBC assured me it would be on the next day, and that I was still set to keep my old phone number. Cool.

The rep then tried to sell me additional services on my phone, saying how important it was for me to have call-waiting and long-distance service, yada-yada. I politely explained to her that I was so frustrated with SBC at this point, they were lucky I'm even keeping the basic phone. Since I only had it for internet access in the first place, I was just fine leaving it option-free. We hung up.

Tuesday comes, still no phone service. I know it is not on because I've called my home phone from my office several times throughout the day, and was rewarded each time by receiving the loud series of beeps, followed by the 'This number is no longer in service' message. I call SBC again, and after being passed around to several reps causing me to tell my story several times, I'm finally told that the order has been completed and that their computer shows that my phone is indeed up and running. I explained that I'd just called it, and no go on the phone number being hooked up.

The SBC rep looked through all the orders and notes from all of calls over the past week and mentioned that he was seeing a lot of errors in the orders, and that it looked like they had set me up with a new phone number. I had suspected as much. I said that was wrong, that I was told I could keep my old phone number and that's what I'd ordered and I would very much like for them to switch it back to the right phone number right away. He said he didn't know why they'd changed it, and he put me on hold to check something. By now I'd become very familiar with the SBC on-hold music. They need a new soundtrack.

He came back and said he verified again that I could definitely have the old number, and it was still available, so he would put in a brand new order to have it changed back to the right number, as I'd specified from the beginning. He said it would take place tomorrow. I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. We hung up.

Wednesday arrived, and still no phone service with the correct phone number. Calling the number still resulted in the annoying 'disconnected' message, and I was thoroughly annoyed and frustrated. And longing for my phone number. I missed it.

I called SBC again on my way home from work, and was told that the order to change the phone number back to the original number had been canceled. Yes, apparently someone had just decided to thoughtfully cancel that order for me. She couldn't tell me why. The mystery person who canceled the order had not left good notes about it. She put me on hold, to check something of course, and when she came back she said my phone number was still available and yes, I could still have it at the house. She put in yet another order and said it should be completed with the correct number in about an hour or so, and to call back tonight if it didn't work. I assured her I would.

I arrived at home to a message on my machine from someone else at SBC. This was not a happy message for me. It told me that I actually could NOT keep my old phone number, as the computer is now telling her that the machine can't make that switch for where my house is located, as my house is really in an area with a different area code. I knew the area was generally a different area code, but I also knew that SBC had promised me the old phone number with the old area code would be just fine. The message then gave me my new phone number and said if I wanted to change the number to the old number, there would be a fee. Of course there's a fee!

I was thoroughly confused at this point. The computer had told the reps all week that the number was fine for my house in this area. The Phone Number Verification Department had told the reps it was fine. Did the computer change it's mind? I called SBC again, to clear up this mess. And, I was ticked. At this point I just wanted a working phone number, but I also wanted an good explanation for what the heck was going on. Without a fee.

SBC rep #108 checked her computer and my long list of orders and said it still looked to her like my number was okay for my house. She asked what the message said. I told her it said something about a machine not being able to handle the number for this area. Rep #108 then said, oh yes, that sounds right. Sorry, you can't have that number. Hmmm. If I'd told her the message said I'd just won a million dollars from SBC, and a lifetime of free DSL, would she have agreed with that, too? I kicked myself for not thinking quicker.

I asked her what is up with this 'computer'. Is this like the Great Oz or something? It appears to be a computer, but it's actually a computer facade run by a tiny little angry man who changes his mind about phone numbers as he sees fit? I mentioned to her that the computer had approved my phone number everyday for a week. Plus the Verification Department had been consulted all week, while I was on hold, and they, too had confirmed my phone number. So why, pray tell, did the computer suddenly change it's mind? And why is the computer in charge?

She said the computer is usually wrong, often initally confirming numbers, and they have no way of knowing until they actually make the change. Then what good is the computer, I wondered? The computer has wasted a week of my time.

I asked if there was any way possible that I could keep my old number. She said yes, if you sign up for Preferred Number service. They can manually switch the number, even though it is set up to the new number, so that when people dial my old number it automatically rings at my house. And yes, there is a fee.

Well, I said I didn't want to do that if there is a fee. I guess I'd just keep the new number. She gave me the new number again, and I reluctantly wrote it down. She then mentioned they could add a message to the old phone number directing people to the new phone number. Is there a fee for this, I asked? She said no. Are you sure? She said yes, she is sure there is no fee, and she would even set it up to run for three months, rather than the usual one month. I really didn't need this service, but at this point I definitely wanted SBC to make a better effort to appease me. So accept the free message, I did.

I hung up with SBC, and realized I needed to change the out-going message on my machine to state my new number. I did that with a heavy heart. But, I was glad the ordeal was over. I had a working phone number, for no extra fee. Whatever. Using my Comcast cable modem, I sent out an email to my friends and family, letting them know of my new number, after I'd already proudly proclaimed that I could keep the old one. I hate to admit defeat.

I thought all was well, until I found out the next day that it wasn't. A friend emailed me to let me know she'd called the new number, and it didn't work. WHAT??? You have GOT to be kidding me!

I checked the email I'd sent to make sure I'd sent out the right number. I had. I checked the number I wrote down with the email order confirmation I'd received the day before from SBC. The numbers matched. So far everything on my end was correct. I called the number. The same familiar 'disconnect, no longer in service' message greeted me. I nearly threw the phone across the room. Good thing I didn't. I was at work. It's not my phone.

I called SBC again, and explained the situation. I asked why my phone wasn't working. The rep checked her Computer of Oz and asked me what number I'd called. I told her. She said, 'hmmm.' She mumbled to herself as she read through the order, and then asked me about another number listed in the order. I said I'd never heard it, but that so many numbers had floated around over the past week, it's possible that number could have come in as important somewhere along the way. I explained that I was on at least my third phone number in the past week.

She put me on hold to call the mystery number. When she returned she said this mystery number is the number set up to my house. Wha-huh? That's not the number they gave me last night, when my phone worked with the number of last night. She said they must have changed it since then. Um, why? Why would they randomly change my phone number from one day to the next? I'd already suspected SBC was out to mess with me until they broke me. Now I was convinced.

She said when you place an order, it's based on timing. So if another order is placed slightly ahead of mine, they get that number, meaning the number I had last night. But I mentioned that I already had the number. It was actually mine for a brief time. So, why would SBC take a number they'd just given to one person, to give to another person with an order at the same time? Wouldn't it be simpler just to give them a new number and let me keep the number they already gave me? I didn't understand. It seems if that were the case, no one would ever have a phone number.

I then explained to her that if it's a matter of timing, I was supposed to have had phone service a week ago, using my old phone number. So if her theory was correct, I had long-since won the order timing preferential phone number face-off. She actually sounded shocked and concerned that I had possibly been cheated out of the phone number I'd deserved. She immediately went back over the order, and started the process of confirming my old number. She said it looked like I could have that number, and asked me what happened. I told her the Computer of Oz story, and she said, oh yes, that sounds right. This must be a line they are given at SBC Customer Service. If the 'computer' is used to justify something, just agree with it. I have to wonder if there even is a computer.

I asked for the correct number that was hooked to my phone line at this very moment. She gave it to me. I asked her if this would still be my phone number later today. She said yes. I asked if this was my permanent phone number. She said yes, it would not change again. For sure. Absolutely. I tried not to make any weird noises of disbelief, but I can't say I really trusted her.

I then asked why no one had let me know that my number changed this morning. It's not like I'm normally in the habit of calling my own home phone, and if my friend hadn't checked it, I wouldn't have known it changed. This was sort of a trick question, as I have no idea how they would have gotten ahold of me, since every phone number they've given me is not a number I actually got to keep. She said they'd placed a call this morning to let me know of the change. Yep, had to wonder what number they called and where that message was. I hadn't been called at the office, or my cell phone, and I would later find out there was no message on my home machine. Hmmm.

She then moved on to her chipper customer service rep end-of-call wrap up lines, and asked if there was anything else she could do for me today. I said yes, she could wave the transfer fees I was quoted at the beginning of this mess, as the standard fees for any phone service transfer. Since I'm a very dissatisfied customer, you know. She said she couldn't authorize that, but she put me on hold to check with her supervisor.

To her credit, and one small point to SBC in this whole mess, she came back and said they would wave all the fees associated with transfer. It would show up on my next bill. Really? I hadn't expected that to work, but I definitely deserved it. Thank you, I said. And I hung up.

A week later, I still seem to have the same phone number. And I've alerted all of my friends and family as to my ever-changing phone number extravaganza. SBC seems to be through messing with me for now.

Of course, I wish I could blame them for the fact that the phone hooked to their phone line is really crappy and I can't hear anything on it. But I guess I'll let them off the hook and just go buy a new phone on my way home from work today.

Down with SBC.

C.T.