Home Improvement
Well, I hope the things I'm doing to my house are improving it.

I've decided over the weekend that home improvement projects are hard work. Not that I didn't know that before, but now I definitely know for sure. I've also decided that I like it. It's fun in a hands-on, I did it myself kind of way.

The projects for this weekend were Adventures in Yardwork, Painting Galore, and Fun With Caulk.

My Adventure in Yardwork began Saturday morning, in an effort to beat the heat. I awoke and ventured outside to discover it was already 108 degrees outside. But alas, a yard does not mow itself.

This was my first time to tackle the yard. At first glance, it is a nice yard. Mostly well-kept and tidy. But upon closer inspection of the perimeters, it needed some serious work. I began by clearing some clutter left by the previous owner, an old lady who had apparently attempted some failed yard projects, and decided to leave them as souvenirs to me. I discovered a long dead bonzai tree in a front flower bed, still in its plastic container. Isn't that supposed to be an inside tree? It was unclear to me the purpose and placement of this random banzai, but it was perfectly clear that it had not survived its purpose, and therefore needed to go.

I found weeds running amok in many of the flower beds around the house. I pulled the obvious weeds. Yet I refrained from some questionable foliage. I discovered two possible weeds/could be plants in a couple of places. I decided to leave them for now. I don't want to have all the weed pulling fun in one day.

I discovered that I have a rose bush. Not that any roses were blooming, or that it in any way resembled a rose bush. But as I reached behind it to pull some weeds, I was attacked by its thorns and thoroughly scraped up. Aaah, I thought. I have a rose bush. And a feisty one, at that.

Bird and squirrel feeders lay strewn about the edges of the yard, against the fence. Since they obviously weren't feeding any animals in this condition, into the wood storage shed they went. Birds and squirrels will have to eat elsewhere for now.

I made my way around the back corner of the house to the water hose graveyard. Here rested two old water hoses, knotted and left for dead under weeds and overgrown grass. Do they work? The world may never know. I bagged them up and hauled them away.

Once the yard was clear of superfluous debris, I brought out the weed whacker. This is a tool I'd watched my father use on many occassions. My job growing up was to mow. He handled the weed whacking. Hence I'd developed a fear of the weed whacker. Having never been allowed to touch it, it was a fear of the unknown. Now, I own one of my own. It was time to embrace the weed whacker.

I plugged it in, took a weed whacking stance, and pulled the trigger. Nothing. I unplugged and re-plugged. Still nothing. Pausing for a moment to assess the situation, I noticed the plug was interestingly close to the outdoor light. Using all of my brain power, I guessed that perhaps the light needed to be on for the plugs to work? I went inside to flip the switch, and returned to the weed whacker. Much in the tradition of Clark Griswold's Christmas Vacation outdoor lighting extravaganza, the indoor switch was the key to the outdoor electricity problem. The weed whacker lit up, and proceeded to edge the yard like it was meant to be. Thanks, Clark. She's a beaut.

After I completed the tour of the edges of my yard, it was time for the mowing experience. I hated to use my new shiney mower, getting it dirty and dusty, but I knew it had to be done. A mower is not for decoration alone. I fired it up effortlessly and proceeded to motor around the yard. God bless whoever invented self-propel mowers. It's a thing of beauty, speeding up the mowing process considerably from when I was a kid wrestling with the push mower.

Once I mowed the back, I moved to the front and let the process begin again. When I was done, I had a beautifully mowed, edged, and relatively weed and debris free yard. And a nice sunburn, too.

Painting Galore took place in the kitchen. What seemed like a simple project turned into a time-consuming painting extravaganza. The kitchen seemed like a small enough space, and therefore seemingly quick painting project. But the more I painted, the more walls I discovered. Nooks and crannies that needed to be trimmed with a brush before I could attack with a roller appeared from nowhere. About halfway through I had a crisis of questioning the color blue I had chosen. Too blue? Not blue enough? I can't stop now, so whatever blue this is, this blue it will be.

I'm fairly certain the two day process caused me to inhale more paint fumes than is really necessary. I can tell you my brain is not functioning much on a normal, adult, chemical-free scale right now. Everywhere I look, all I see is blue. But I'm fairly certain I am not in my blue kitchen right now.

The last thing my dad told me before my parents headed back home last weekend was that I needed to caulk around the outside of my windows. Caulk? What is this of which you speak? Whatever it is, it means another trip to Home Depot.

I purchased what I'm fairly certain was a caulk-like substance used for sealing around windows, as well as a caulking gun. Why they can't just make caulk useable in and of itself without the gun accessory is simply ridiculous. I just want the caulk. I don't want to have to spend more money on a gadget just so I can use it.

Back at the homestead, I loaded up the caulk into the gun and proceeded to aim it at my windows. More or less, I gooped it around the edges of the window. I also caulked myself a bit, but it's nice to know I'll be sealed up nicely for quite some time. It ain't pretty. But it's up there around the window. I'm sure sealing with all it's sealing power and might.

What I learned from my Home Improvement weekend is that there is tired, and then there is a realm of tired beyond tired, and I am currently so far past that realm that I can't even see that realm. That realm is a dot to me. I am tired beyond the distant realm of tired.

But it is hugely gratifying to drive up to my yard and see it looking so nice and dead bonzai tree free, then to walk inside my kitchen and see the walls painted so nicely and evenly and in such a lovely shade of blue. And to sit in my house and know that my windows are caulked up nicely, keeping particles out of the house.

Next project: bugs be gone.

C.T.